Yesterday when we were about to go out to lunch to his parents, DH told me my 17 yo DSD had invited her mum round. DSD makes YouTube videos incl ones of her parents' reactions to other videos. She had apparently already filmed DH and wanted to film her mum too, from our house. DSD had also previously had her mum round in our absence and done 'the tour' too. We've only been in the house a month. My wider family haven't even had the chance to visit yet. Don't get me started on coming home and finding a bunch of teenagers chilling!
Like many steparents I've played a huge role in help to bring up DSD (feeding, listening, counselling, entertaining, holidaying, shopping, arranging trips, work experience, seeing her plays, picking her up, dealing with her health etc). This is not me invalidating her mum's role, but just saying. Also my DSD may or may not be intending this, but videos of each parent shot in the same home location give the impression they all live together as one family - yes my insecurity, granted.
I've no objection to DSD spending time with her mum (who lives barely a mile away). I've encouraged their relationship which was fractured before I turned up, and I've invited her mum to join us for Xmas dinner twice - which she has. She and DH have thanked me for my input to DSD's life.
But I'm also a step child and there was no way when I was a kid that my own dad came into my mum and stepdad's home to 'hang out' with me at my request. That's what his home was for. Surely it's the child that goes between the two homes, not the parents to each other's home unless by agreement with the adults concerned. DSD's mum seems to have little patience with her when they're at her house. She goes mad, for example, if DSD spills something. Both get on the phone to DH if they get into an argument, wanting DSD to be brought back home. I'm not banning her mum, but there needs to be boundaries in relation to our home. I've just spent my life savings on our new house for us all and would like to feel I have a stake in it and am not taken for a mug.
To be honest I'm still raw from her plans to move into the home that we've just moved out of. Yes you read that right. We rented a first floor flat from DH's parents (they live in the ground floor flat). It was occasionally intrusive, and living for years knowing they were directly below us (their bedroom directly below ours.. ) wasn't completely comfortable! When we gave notice, DH's parents invited DSD's mum to move in 'because they know her'. She lives in a detached 2 bed house FFS half a mile from them. So she's now moving out and into our old flat, sleeping in our old bedroom with our old decor, carpet etc. No - there are no financial upsides. My controlling MIL will have struck the deal (she can make you feel you can't say no). Even DH had to admit the whole thing is weird. We have no say, we're not the landlords (yes we have confronted MIL). But even so, I'm pissed the ex doesn't just say no herself. Would she be OK if her partner's ex moved into her and her partner's old home with her husband's parents living below? Or if her partner's ex came by to hang out with her husband's kids in her home?
DH knows how I feel and that 'the talk' is coming - that he and I need to agree what goes on in and who comes to our house, and that he must make that clear with DSD's mum, so we can all be on the same page with DSD.
I'm venting. And don't care if I'm being unfair tbh.
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Boundaries - the ex - AIBU
15 replies
cappy123 · 23/01/2017 01:47
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