Too much too soon?

[user1483560966]

I'm in a sticky situation and am currently feeling like a total prick.

DP has 2 kids over 10. Split from DW 10 months ago. I met him through my ex (spilt one year ago) and I've been with DP for 8 months. Already messy I know.

Neither of us have a permanent home away from our parents. I could live with DP in the place I'm renting from a friend short-term but I'm not ready to have the kids every WE. I have said I'm not ready.

But somehow DP moved in and I didn't stop him because it's an amazing lovely idea and that same weekend we spent 2 days with his kids and it confirmed that I, and our relationship, are not ready to take that step. So he moved back out and is furious at me.

I feel terrible for hurting him but I still think it's the right decision and it is too soon. Or am I being an ass?

[Finola1step]

You sound like you have made a very sensible decision.

[CannotEvenDeal]

He hasn't really got a right to be furious. For a situation like this to work you all need to be ready and on the same page.

[Lunar1]

You just made the best decision you will ever make. Why is he in such a rush?

[user1483560966]

Lunar1 I think he's just really excited about us. And he thinks this shows a lack of commitment... and he's frustrated about moving out a few days after moving in. I do understand that part!

[Underthemoonlight]

Today 21:13 Underthemoonlight

Goodness he's only split with his wife 10 month ago 2 months later he's with you and 8 months in is moving in and having the kids stay. Its far too much far to quickly I'm not surprised it hasn't worked out. Realistically you should be only just meeting the kids never mind them staying with you both. It's as if he hasn't considered them at all. I would be concerned about his attitude about you changing your mind sounds like he's after someone to help look after his DC.

[Underthemoonlight]

He sounds like a cocklodger if he's saying you aren't showing commitment he has no respect for your feelings or boundaries. Massive red flag there. It hasn't even been a year since he split with his DW and her bed isn't cold before he's with you then suddenly moving in and his DC are staying EOW.
It must be extremely confusing for his kids. I know you said in your other post on relationships you are waiting to see if he gets in touch with you again if he doesn't it just shows he was after someone to look after him and help with his DC.

I choose to reply on this thread mainly because the posters on here pretty much say it as it is. A lot of problems with step DC is the timing of introducing partners and moving in together quickly that's when the problems start to appear. Lucky you seen that it's not approiate for the time frame and decided against it. His reaction is very telling I must say.

[user1483560966]

Thanks underthemoonlight.

It's probably worth mentioning that his DW also moved on immediately and has been with her new partner for about 8 months too.

And it's every weekend with the DC...

[Underthemoonlight]

Has she moved her new partner in? You were right to say it was too fast you just got to read some of the threads on here to see the problems that happens when the parents fail to consider their DC when meeting new partners introducing them and then suddenly moving in with them. This man has failed to consider his DC.

[user1483560966]

I don't know if DW new partner has officially moved in with her but he is there a lot and he's been on holiday with her and the kids before.

I agree and he has acknowledged that he's not been putting the DC first.

[Underthemoonlight]

Sounds like both parents aren't prioritising their dcs needs and feelings

[Lunar1]

It's a cruel thing to do to children, and just because their mum had done it doesn't make it ok. Their parents split less than a year ago, the should have been given time to adjust to that. But sadly they have two parents who are both too selfish to give them time, space and stability. Less than a year into separation there shouldn't be even a hint of new partners, the adults should have kept it separate from them.

I would say to him that if the two of you really have a future then what's the harm in waiting?

[Wdigin2this]

You have made the only sensible decision, as others have said....it's way too soon, and I feel sorry for his DC!
Quite frankly, I think you're better off out of this relationship, give yourself a bit more time before you dive straight back into domesticity!

[swingofthings]

Then even more important to take things slowly so you can be totally assured that he is not being prompted to rush thing to show his wife he can do it too. It's amazing what the feeling of revenge can make people do, even unconsciously.

You absolutely did the right thing. If he can't put his disappointment aside and accept that indeed, 8 months is not long enough to know each other well enough to be sure that it is the right thing to do, then he is showing a lack of emotional maturity. Hopefully his disappointment will recede and you'll be able to resume getting to know each other without the pressure of moving too fast.

[woesinwonderland]

Well done OP, you did the right thing. Do not feel guilty at all, I can only assume that your DP is annoyed because he will not have to deal with his dc single handedly every weekend. Those poor kids