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Involvement with ex.

(23 Posts)
LadyAEIOU Wed 09-Nov-16 10:19:28

I've posted before about my situation but the basic are:

Me and DH exw used to get on but she started to be unpleasant and we fall out. This has happened a few times as tried to make things work but they simply don't.

Me and DH have a baby. His ex is pregnant. SS wants all the other children to get together but me and DH have agreed that involving both sets of grown ups just doesn't work and things will be easier keeping to ourselves. Friends we have spoken to agree.

I still feel so angry about so much crap she has directed to us that I am worried I have become almost obsessed and bitter. I really want to break this cycle and I can't. Would be much better just to say shit happens let's forget and move on but I still feel upset.

Lambly Wed 09-Nov-16 11:58:02

This is a tricky one. I too fundamentally dislike my DP's ex for myriad reasons and we've never even met. My DSD has on occasions expressed a desire for all the adults involved in her parenting to get together, but we've always just changed the subject and moved on.

For me, no good would come from this situation. It would be tense, fraught and you'd be resentful of the time spent. This might not be a popular view, but in your situation I'd be explaining to DSS that this situation just isn't possible right now, but you'll commit to thinking about it again in a few years time.

Once exes baby is a bit bigger, you could always agree to take the kids to a soft play at a set time and each couple sits at tables at the other end of the room. That way you don't have to interact with the ex, but the kids get to play together?

I get the bitter and obsessed stuff too. Trying to be the bigger person is so much easier said than done at times.

Bubblegum18 Wed 09-Nov-16 14:31:36

This isn't necessary your DSS will have siblings from both parents it doesn't mean that the DS other sibling has to socialise with the other one when they are younger they aren't related.

I have DC with DH and ex is having a baby they will not be having contact with my DC and visa versa different if everyone comes together for a social event e.g holy communion 18/21st your DSS wedding but even then they are totally seperate.

cloudyday99 Wed 09-Nov-16 16:04:50

I think you do need to tell your SS gently that although the babies will be his siblings they won't all belong i the same family, and the two babies may hardly ever meet each other.

He could instead get photos of him, and of each of his siblings and put them all together on his wall, with the adults too if he likes - to make a statement about who the important people are in his world. But that won't involve you all spending time as one big happy family.

Best bet with the ex is probably to have as little to do with her as possible - get on with your own life and family, and leave her to hers.

swingofthings Wed 09-Nov-16 17:50:30

Just tell SS that maybe in the future this might happen, but not for the time being. I never ever thought that my kids' half sister would one day come over, or more accurately that her mother (my ex's new partner) would ever allow it. It's amazing how time changes things! Circumstances were such that she did come over and it was great for her because of course, she'd heard quite a lot about me, my husband, our pets, the house from DD and DS, as a 5 yo, she was understandably very curious as she is very close to them.

I was pregnant just before she was but lost the baby and we could never get pregnant again, so clearly had a lot of grieving and accepting to do, but again, time heals and it was actually nice to meet the little girl my kids adore. Supposedly, she asks regularly about me and the cat! I wouldn't mind at all her coming over again anytime.

satinthedark Wed 09-Nov-16 20:24:48

swingofthings - thank you I am not alone.

My Exs new DC comes over the meet my DCS and their other sib. The response of his now EX and her friends are it should never happen and it is wrong.

For the 2 DCs stuck in the middle - the first thing they wanted was a photo of all the brothers and sisters together.

To them they are a family - their family -sometimes the adults need to realise how weird it is to them, the DCS on all sides do not understand or see a problem.

LadyAEIOU Wed 09-Nov-16 21:57:00

I do see both sides. His ex has a history of weaponising their son and encouraged him to say horrific things about me. I don't want my DD stuck in this but I don't want to hurt her by not mixing either you know?

Evilstepmum01 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:59:13

I am really struggling with the ExW and my anger towards her just now.

When her baby was born, she just couldnt understand why DH wouldnt go round and see her new baby. (again excluding me and our DS, DSDs brother). DSD understood the baby was her family but not ours (When we had our DS, ExW was dripping poison and weaponising DSD).

It is a tricky situation as I too have a lot of anger towards her, especially just now as shes trying to mess with christmas and this weekend (again).

When we do joint school things with DSD (christmas fayre/plays etc) she doesnt bring the baby anyway so we just concentrate on DSD and DS and be polite.

I cant sleep just now, I feel so sick at her trying to manipulate DSD. I also feel heartbroken for our DS as he and DSD have a close, loving relationship.

Handhold for you Lady, being the bigger person is hard. [flowers}

LadyAEIOU Fri 11-Nov-16 21:12:45

Thanks Evil. Had another incident tonight so will be leaving it as it is. Hope you are ok I'm sorry you are having problems too. What is she trying to do with xmas/ weekend?

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 11-Nov-16 22:21:54

I do think it is hard not to be eaten up by bitterness or bad feeling. And burying it, or just 'trying not to care' doesn't work either if someone is actually stirring things up and causing direct harm.

My DPs ExW does have a lot of bitterness about me I think - and it's weird I can't even defend myself as it seems to come out through her children towards me, if that makes sense. And I'm not being paranoid!

I did try early on to be accepting, and for the kids sake I even looked after ExWs nephew for her, let the children feel 'together'. However it soon spiraled downhill as she became very angry if I refused a request.

If you have a spiteful ExW there's really nothing you can do except minimize contact, which does unfortunately mean that the children's idea of extended family being together cannot happen. The fall out, after all, does affect them too.

I also think getting on with our lives in as full a way as possible really helps. Since I've been more assertive, and not taken any crap, and put my kids first instead of trying to please everyone, then ExWs influence has been lessened.

Evilstepmum01 Sun 13-Nov-16 01:15:03

She is being a c**t about Christmas, basically playing mind games and changing agreed days/times. Jeez, arent we all past that now? I thought we'd grown up and she'd got on with her life.
I tend to get on with living our life and being happy, just already getting stressed about the drama she causes at christmas.

In the spirit of putting the kids first, we have two christmas events coming up where I have to listen to her shit DSD, baby and our DS can play together.
Agreed as all the kids would love it! Damn it!

Advice on coping/keeping my mouth shut please? We'll go, but not for long. Agh, I loathe being polite to someone who did her damnedest to split us up/lied about me/called me every name under the sun/caused my PND/EA's DSD/manilpulates DH.

LadyAEIOU Sun 13-Nov-16 14:51:57

That is really shitty Evil. Best way to keep quiet is think of how excited the kids are and don't stoop to her level. She might think she is winning but her kids will pay for her pettiness and I'd pick my DD happiness over winning some stupid game with my situation.

I really don't know what to do anymore as I do want to end things. I have told DH so many times over so many months and nothing ever changes, when he gets forgiven he just does something else instantly after. DH won't listen to me though. I hate being around DH and try to avoid his son now. If he and his E wanted me in DSS they would not have actively done these shitty things.

Evilstepmum01 Mon 14-Nov-16 12:01:41

Lady you want to end things? With your DH? thats really sad. does your DH realise how close he is to losing you? I totally understand. It took me packing my bags to make my DH realise how hurt I was and that I couldnt cope with DSD/ExW bullshit.
Can you stay with your family/friend to get a breather and some objectivity? Or can you get counselling or help?
This is where its shit being a step-parent-theres so little support out there. My local mums group on fb told me I was a selfish cow (for not coping) and I had to think of DSD. Aye, all very well, but whos going to think of me and DS?

LadyAEIOU Mon 14-Nov-16 14:57:54

He does know I've said so so many times. I don't have anywhere else to go so will have to find a new home. My family are down for a holiday next month so will ask to stay with them.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:26:59

That is sad lady. Can your DH move out for a few months while you consider the next step? Might give you both breathing space.

Evilstepmum01 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:19:58

Does your dH know its over Lady? Sometimes the threat of leaving is a wake-up call. I truly hope it doesnt come to you having to leave your home.
Every step mum I know has left or packed a bag at one point. It just adds so much pressure to a relationship sadly.
Just seen on fb that DSD is spending 'quality time' with her mum Nope. Mum's boyfriend is spending the day with her. Shame, the wee toot was looking forward to spending time with her mum. Funny how if I spend time with DSD, DH is accused of letting her down, but as soon as the shoe is on the other foot, its all different rules.
Stuff like that does my head in.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:29:51

I understand about the 'getting under our skin' stuff. I think Evil and Lady that is also a big worry for me, about how much I've become a cynical person over the last few years. I've become fairly ruthless.

I'm not sure I always like the person I've become! Too much resentment thrown my way has made me fairly resentful too. I hope that my DS is OK, he is a little more cynical too. Maybe getting completely out isn't a bad idea! Or at least stepping back big time.

LadyAEIOU Tue 15-Nov-16 15:44:42

DH knows I've had enough. My family are down next month and DSS loves my family but tbh I want to escape so am tempted to stay with them at their holiday place on my own with DD without DH or DSS.

Problem is I DH says he's listening but I don't think he is. Example is his ex insists DSS calls her husband dad but have acively told him to stick to calling me by name. I do not mind being called by my name as me and DH have always said whatever DSS feels comfortable with however the ex doesn't know this and I have said to DH so many times surely he should question why his ex would want me and her own partner treated so differently (not necessary ask her but it isn't right) and DH now says he agrees and that his ex can be horrid when usually he always says "she isn't so bad".

LadyAEIOU Tue 15-Nov-16 15:47:43

DH isn't willing to move out. We split maternity leave and his bit starts soon. Will wait until his bit is over as don't want to be away from DD for 5/7 days. Gives me time to see if he will change and save up too.

Evilstepmum01 Tue 15-Nov-16 22:38:55

Why dont you stay a night or two with your family and just chill? Breathe a bit. Can you talk to your family about this?
As for the name thing, drives me potty the double standards. We settled on DSD calling me 'mummy evil' cos DS was copying her and calling me 'evil' instead of mummy! so that was a compromise!
I get you asking why DH doesnt challenge ExW. I guess its because like most dads, he's afraid she'll kick off and threaten the contact.
Think its good you have a plan tho, at least you'll know you've given it every chance.
Banana-yup i see the cynic in me also. We have had to be ruthless for our kids, which isnt something I expected! I do my best to manage my resentment and channel it positively, but it does come to the surface occasionally (not around kids!) and I dont like what I hear myself say!
Thats when I step back from DSD and give myself space. It helps!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 16-Nov-16 02:20:18

I also find DP being passive with ExW pretty hard to take too, totally get that Evil and Lady. I do understand to some extent, he just wants a quiet life, don't we all. However he has never stood up for me, even just to me, and admitted that she is has damaged relationships with us.

Because he hasn't done 'drawn a line' with his ExW, he's allowed me to be undermined in his kids eyes, they see and hear her stirring up bad feeling, and nothing is said or done. He's undermined himself too. It's pretty rubbish!

bluepinafore Wed 16-Nov-16 08:09:47

Ah ladies - how nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with an ExW!
Constant messages, phone calls which have nothing to do with the children might I add .. envy

LadyVampire Wed 16-Nov-16 12:16:28

Changed name.

I've told DH that it can't carry on as our DD will get hurt. Especially if we split up and then that's another of his children having two homes, he sees her less. Much better for his DS long term if DH just addresses this, might be some resentment from his ex at first but long term this pandering cannot continue.

I don't want her anywhere near my DD.

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