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12yr old step daughter has lied about me to her dad

(4 Posts)
HayleyH1982 Thu 29-Sep-16 11:37:10

i apologise in advance for the long thread but i really need some advice as i have no where to turn.
Basically my 12 yr old step daughter has lied to her dad about something i have said.
i have been in her life since she was 5 years old i have another 4 year old daughter with her dad. i love both the girls unconditionally.
mine and her dads relationship was once rocky due to some things in the past and we once split up due to it and obviously it wasnt easy on any of us. we decided we were worth it and so were the girls that we worked through it all which we did thankfully.
Now my step daughter has had a really difficult up bringing due to her mum and dad splitting up and her mum having a couple of mental health issues. Now i have always been there through all the hard times and her even telling me that i know her better then anyone and she is closer to me then her own mother. This was really difficult to hear as i love this girl with my life to see the sadness in her eyes when she speaks of her own mum like that but on the flip side it gave me reassurance that im obviously doing something right cos you know how it is when your a step parent you walk on egg shells sometimes questioning if your doing right or even accepted.
to me our relationship is strong but over the passed year she has been very up and down with me of which i spoke to her dad about it. at first he said he hadnt noticed that it must be me.
i put it down to loyalties with her mum which i get that cos at 12 yrs old you go through many changes and you need your mum who is barely there for her so she turns to me so all her emotions are up in the air.
over the last few months she has been making some very hurtful comments to me and distancing herself from me when her dad is around yet when he is not there she is really close to me. He picked up on this when we were on holiday and we spoke to her about this and asked why so we could help. he also picked up on her attitude towards me and said she dont do it to him so wont stand doing it for me. finally he witnessed this and knew now i was not making anything up.
Anyway me and her dad would argue alot about it because it become difficult and i felt he would not listen to me or back me up. i said to myself we all get blinded by love and do not want to accept our children are growing up and not so sweet anymore thats why he reacts that way.
Recently me and her dad have gone through something that could split us up. the girls know something isnt quite right.
me and my step daughter have chats alot and recently she has been complaining about how her dad treats me and talks to me sometimes or if he does this or that etc that she doesnt like it. yet i tell him how things make her feel she denies it to him i know its her loyalties but we both have to be aware of how we are as it affects the girls.
anyway last night me and my step daughter had a good chat got on well and this morning when her dad come in she distanced herself again so i asked her why and explained i find it difficult cos sometimes i feel she doesnt want me around. she started shouting at me got up in my face pointing and said you make me feel like i want to be at my mummys. and when running upstairs and said to her dad that i said .. well done you got your wish youve made me and your daddy split up and her mum and her husband split up who have just recently. i never ever ever said said a thing and she swore that i did now her dad believes her and told me he believes her.
now i get recently iv been a bit off as im not sure where my future is and im worried for the girls so it has been very difficult to be on the ball as much as i try hard. yes im more vocal then her dad but thats out of fear and love. but iv gone through months of her saying your not my mum and her getting in my face and its really taken its toll. her dad does not believe me all the time when i tell him what she has said or done she has become alot worse and theres things i dont tell him cos i know he wont believe me and it will cause arguements so i deal with it on my own. i hand on heart never said what she said i did this morning and i dont know why she has said it cos she knows how her dad would react to me.
yes i say some innapropriate things we all do but i cant cope anymore.
sorry for all spelling errors and waffling on but my heart is broken

swingofthings Thu 29-Sep-16 14:41:58

What a pity that it's got there, but it sounds that this girl has been caught in between your issues as adult and encouraged to take sides. It is not surprising she is left confused and why she might have ended up misinterpreting something you might have said.

I was caught in between my dad and step-mum arguments and as a kid, it just leaves you totally confused because you see it all with immature eyes. It meant that if I was witness to my dad saying something unpleasant to my SM, I would consider him unkind and be on 'her side', but then if she suddenly did something I thought was unfair, I would suddenly be on my 'dad's side'. That's why kids should never be made party of adult business.

It sounds like you do have a good relationship with your SD, but she is old enough to know that you too could be separating and that happens, potentially never see you again and there's nothing she can do about it.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Mon 03-Oct-16 03:51:47

That's heartbreaking as you sound like you really love her. I have no advice, I would be devastated. Being a sm is hard but rewarding, I hope this works out , I'd like to hope my hubby would believe me though sad

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 04-Oct-16 15:11:57

Her Dad believes her? This is classic not being a parent. Your
DP shouldn't even be getting into the whole drama of who said what, this is hyped up by your DSD who probably doesn't even realise the full implications of what she is saying. He needs to DIFFUSE the situation big time, and 'believing her' is the opposite.

She just needs safety I think. Which is a Dad who just calms her down and says that he loves her, but that no of course her SM wants her around, of course she isn't to blame to splitting up, doesn't want anyone to split. If her mum had problems then there is reason for this girl to be insecure or a bit erratic, but surely then she needs the adults to be calm and not pulled into manipulation.

If your DP doesn't believe you OP, then perhaps the only course for you is to stand back from these emotions, to just say to both of them that you care for each, that you are there, not going away, and just be wanting to enjoy both their company as normal. Don't get more pulled in if you can.

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