Husband nggling at my son

[JcJenny]

I'm looking for some views.My husband isn't very close to my 10 yr old son and spends a lot of time being negative towards him. Telling him not to do this or you haven't done that . It's highlighted when my son has been to stay at his dad's house for a few days . when he returns my husband says hello(doesn't show any interest in what he's been doing ) then is constantly on his case . Its hard for my son as when he's at his dad's house rules are much more relaxed.
I don't know if there is a jealousy thing going on for my husband as he never had a happy loving childhood whereas my son gets plenty of love and attention from me and his dad.
it drives me mad- we've had a nice happy weekend and then my son arrives home and the atmosphere changes so much. :( my son is a good lad so I don't think he warrants this negativity.
Also my son has a couple of health conditions which take my attention so I think this doesn't help either. :(
My husband has been around since my son just turned 4 yrs old and he's now 10 . he's spent more time living with my son that his own dad did so why can't he seem to enjoy being with him?.. there are times when things are good but generally I feel like separate units ..me and my son then my husband. or I feel torn between the two of them both in competition for my attention. :(

[CannotEvenDeal]

I'm not sure why you married this man to be blunt.

why can't he seem to enjoy being with him?

If he can't do this after 6 years it's because he doesn't want to.

I personally wouldn't stay with that kind of man.

[ElspethFlashman]

He doesn't like him. He resents him. It hasn't improved over 6 years. It's not going to.

It certainly won't improve when your son becomes a normal sullen teenager spending hours in his room. I feel very very sorry for your son. He must dread coming home.

I do wonder if when he's a teen he'll vote with his feet and ask to live with his Dad full time.

[celeryisnotasuperfood]

have you actually talked about it - not when he is doing it but at a neutral time? what does he say? how does he react to you saying what you wrote in your post?

[Wdigin2this]

Your life must be lived on a knife edge! Your DH either doesn't like your son or he resents him, or a combination of both....it's probably never going to get better, and almost certainly will get worse in the teen years!
I think, if you love your DH, and want to continue living with him, it all has to come out into the open, if you feel you can't talk to him about it, perhaps write a letter spelling the situation out in minute detail. Ask him outright if he dislikes your son and if so, why. You need to explain that this cannot go on , because your DS is certainly being damaged in this atmosphere, and that you will not accept him brushing this off. Perhaps leave the letter for him on the morning your DS goes to his dad's and then go out for a few hours so he can digest it for a while on his own. Best of luck to you!

[TimeforaNNChange]

Its hard for my son as when he's at his dad's house rules are much more relaxed.

What about your rules? Have you and your DP agreed on how your DS will be parented while in your home?

If your DP is reinforcing boundaries and expectations that have agreed but you are failing to reinforce then i can understand his resentment - all be it that it should be directed at you, not your DS.

As for greeting your DS on arrival - actual transition between home is difficult for everyone, and your DS may well appreciate the space. My DD disengages from DH for about an hour either side of transition and DH has learnt to leave her alone.

[CurlyMoo]

Very sad OP, your DH sounds like he really resents your DS.

I don't think he warrants this negativity.

He is 10, of course he doesn't! Speak to your DH, I would doubt that he will change so it is up to you to decide if you can continue to put your DS through this.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I'd have a talk with your husband, if there's no improvement get out. I don't think talking will help TBH, it'll grind on, as soon as your son can leave he will. What an awful situation. This should have been address years ago. A lot of damage has already been done.

[Lunar1]

Is it possible for him to live with his dad? This is no way for a child to have to live.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Your poor son, he's lived with this since he was 4? I don't know how you've put up with this for so long

[Clutteredmess]

Your poor son, he's lived with this since he was 4? I don't know how you've put up with this for so long

^This

I think you need to priortise your son over your partner - he is a child so has no control.

[TimeforaNNChange]

I think it's important for the OP to parent her DS too - if she's not doing so, her DP is living in the same untenable situation that many stepmums face.

[pictish]

Yes it's true OP, he resents him. He resents the rightful attention you give your son and what he sees as an intrusion on his life. It may not be anything to do with your son's personality but simply what he represents.
Sounds shit for your son. I'm afraid your dh is unlikely to uncover any love for him now. He has watched him grow up and the affection isn't there.It sucks, I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine his behaviour is attractive to you or good for your marriage. Can it survive such a conflict of interests?

[pictish]

P.s For your son's sake I hope it won't...but it's not for me to choose.

[Farfromtheusual]

Sadly, this is not uncommon. He clearly dislikes your son for whatever reason and finds it hard to parent someone else's child.

My BIL is seriously vile towards his 8yo DSD (been in her life since she was 2yo) - its horrible to watch the way he speaks to her, you can hear the venom in his voice. Always berating her about what she's done wrong or what she hasn't done (much the same as your DH). Unfortunately his DP doesn't help the situation when DSD comes out with 'you're not my real dad' as she tends to reinforce that point also and is generally on her DD's side.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your DH and try and encourage him to form more of a bond with your DS. Has it always been like this or has it gotten worse with time? Perhaps they didn't build a strong enough bond from the start and now just can't be bothered to put any effort in. It will only get worse as your DS gets older.

[memyselfandaye]

Your son will probably want to go and live with his Father if your dick of a husband does'nt get off his back.

Why have you let it carry on for so long?

[pictish]

I'm willing to bet there have been rows discussions about this issue many a time. No one ever posts here without having tried the any-reasonable-person route first.

[OliviaStabler]

On first reading my instinct is that you don't have rules in place that you both agree on. If your husband is constantly telling your son don't do this, don't do that; what you think is acceptable behaviour and what your husband thinks are clearly very different.

Either you both agree on what is and is not OK at home, or I think you have to seriously think about your relationship with this man.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

Another poster mentioned about him going to live with his dad, why should he have to? It won't resolve the issues, when the son visits his mum, it'll be the same crap going on. I'm getting quite annoyed now, why has this been going on for so long??

[Meeep]

Why would you want your child's only childhood to be spent in a home where someone doesn't like him? How miserable for him. :(
What a strange choice for you to make.

[Lunar1]

I asked if he could live with his dad because the op has clearly chosen to prioritise her husband over her son. This has been going on for 6 years, and is going to be so much worse when he's a teenager.

It will minimise the amount of time the twatbag can abuse her ds before he is finally old enough that court would agree he never has to go back.

[Missgraeme]

He isn't a step parent. He is your dh but not really parenting your ds is he? Sound alike he should be an ex dh to me. . The shit will hit the fan when your ds realises he is being effectively abused in his own home. And when your ex finds out u may find yourself fighting for your ds in the future.

[mydietstartsmonday]

I knew someone very similar, in the 3 main relationships he had the women had previous children (sons).

In each case he picked fights with the son or one of the sons, very subtle at first then more aggressive and put a wedge between them and the other family members.

A totally charming believable man, wooed the women while undermining the relationship. (She screwed around I every relationship)

Be very wary.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

clearly chosen to prioritise her husband over her son. yes I agree with that for sure.

[swingofthings]

Does your OH has children himself? It is a bit similar in my household. OH dotted on my two and so did they until they turned the not so pleasant stage of pre-teenage years.

I handled it by disciplining them to an extent but also accepting that it IS a stage, one they all go through, they will get over with, and if I were to only focus on the negatives, my relationship with my children would suffer. OH doesn't have children and struggle to understand this. He thinks I should constantly be at the back of my DS to make sure that his bedroom is always tidy. He believes that I am not strict enough and that if I took his phone, all privileges away, punish him etc... he would finally get it. My point is that although I do not like the state of his room, taking the above extreme approach would mean that he would not want to have anything to do with me and as a result, would lose our good relationship. I don't ignore the problem, I nag and nag and nag, sometimes really get angry with him but I also accept that it is very much part of him being a teenager.

The relationship between him and DD went through the stage where he felt quite negative towards her, until she got over that awkward phase, and now they get along great. Now it's the turn of DS but more severe. Thankfully, they just ignore each other and I am confident that when DS also gets over that stage, they will rebuild their relationship again, although I expect it will take longer than it did with DD.

OH says that DS shows attitude towards him. I try to explain to him that this is because he is always so negative towards him. The only communication he has with him is to pick him up on things he doesn't do, never anything positive. I think he knows that, but is struggling to 'like' him at the moment. I have noticed that going on our annual holiday always help as they have no choice but to spend more time together and communicate. The moment OH will start being a bit more positive, DS will be more engaged and pleasant. I am confident it will come though, just have to be patient.

I remember my parents going on and on about how my sister and I were really not great company when we were teenagers and I didn't really see what they were about until I face it myself! It's hard enough as a parent, let alone as a step-parent.

[princessjonsie67]

its really common. A friend of mine who is a child therapist say that as the child grows old they grow jealous of them and become territorial as there is another man in the house. Stupid I know. I had it when my husband moved in with my son and I. He would pick up on tiny things that to be honest I would let go. My son was no angel but on the whole was a good kid. It came to a head when his son came to stay and I implemented all the rules on his son that mine had adhered to all those years. His son does not like rules and rebelled and my husband had a chat with me and asked why I was being so hard on his son and asked I backed off. I pointed out I was only implementing HIS rules . He eased up a lot after that. My son moved away and now works in the USA a a soccer coach but he is home for three months of the year from Dec to March and he stays with us. My hubby does return to his picky ways but my son and I just laugh now and we have bonded over taking the mick out of his SD. The silly thing is if my son is in trouble my DH is the first to be there and defend him and my son is the same with his SD. Silly