AIBU?

[babynugget]

Taking DSC's on holiday next week. Usually stock up on cheap clothes from Primark but this year took DSD (14) shopping and spent a fair bit of money on some decent clothes. She had nothing decent at ours and is growing out of everything at a crazy rate. Anyway they were going away with their mum on hols first and DSD asked if she could take her new clothes with her as she was really chuffed with them. I agreed as long as she looked after them. We've just gone to iron the clothes for going away and one of her tops is ruined. It's clearly been tumble dried despite the label saying it shouldn't be. She hasn't even worn it at ours yet! This is not DSD's fault and I have no intention of having a go at her about it but AIBU to be absolutely raging about this? And AIBU to say no to her taking her clothes to her mums in the future?

[PeggyMitchell123]

If it is just the one top then I wouldn't think anymore of it. Some things do get ruined accidentally. It may have been accidentally put in tumble dryer by someone other than mum as well. Your reaction does seem a bit ott when you don't actually know what happened to the top and also it's something that can be easily done.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

If it was the reverse and it was the mum who's annoyed then people would be saying YANBU and you'd also be advised to get your ex to replace the ruined top.

So in that case YANBU, as it should work both ways.

[Chloecoconut]

Tough one. I've just been asked by my ex to make sure that our kids take the clothes/shoes etc that they will need for camping whilst they're with him. I've just spent a fair bit on (not expensive) summer clothing for them for the summer and am reluctant to send it as it'll either come back trashed or not at all. He has them for a long weekend every other weekend and doesn't seem to be replacing their clothing as they grow out of it.

I think it's easier just to have whatever they need at each house and let the odd item float between houses. I was all for letting the kids have things floating between houses when we first split up but it doesn't really work anymore (for us anyway). My DSD used to bring clothes with her but after her taking something back dirty she, now comes with nothing and we have clothes for her at our house which just saves arguments (we have had to stop her taking things home with her as they don't come back).

I'd let one or two items go and say the rest has to stay.

[babynugget]

I'm sure it was an accident and not done intentionally but there is a history of stuff getting wrecked when it goes to their mums (not just clothes). There just seems to be a 'didn't pay for it so don't give a shit' attitude. But it's the kids that end up suffering. I'm still fuming but I know I could easily have done the exact same thing. At least I could be pissed of with myself though and know I would feel bad about it.

[swingofthings]

I remember when I was a kid, my mum got my some expensive boots, which she didn't normally do. She was reluctant for me to wear them at my dad because we often went on walks and she feared I wouldn't look after them. Anyway, she let me and as soon as my dad picked me up, I told him about looking after the boots. He meant well... when we went on a walk, he made me take the boots off and leave them in the front door and got me to wear my wellies.... and was horrified when we got back and the dog was proudly showing half of a boot in his mouth!

My poor dad was all panicky (he still feared my mum's moods!), so in desperation, took me to the same shop just before it closed and got me the same pair again except they only had the size up left, so I told my dad that would do and not worry. I went home trying to walk as normal as possible, but my mum did make a comment, so after that I didn't want to wear them for worry she would start to question it more! The biggest irony is that a few weeks later, we went away on holiday, and as were coming back, my mum packed them in a bag with her own boots....except she forgot the bag and only realised as we got back home. She called the place but they said they hadn't seen them. My mum thought I was gutted to have lost them so a couple of weeks later, went yet again to the shop and bought yet another pair (this time they had the right size again)!

It's only once I became an adult that I told both my parents the story. They thought it was hilarious then!

All this to say, however annoying it is, it will be forgotten years later. Just make sure that in the future, you don't buy stuff that needs special care.

[Just5minswithDacre]

I'm sure it was an accident and not done intentionally..................I'm still fuming but I know I could easily have done the exact same thing. At least I could be pissed of with myself though and know I would feel bad about it.

There you go then. Accidents happen. Keep your powder dry for the big step-family issues

[Everytimeref]

When I was first with my husband we took his two children on holiday to Spain. The mum said she was happy to provide the holiday clothes. I have never seen such inappropriate clothing. Its was all formal shirts and pretty party dresses with tule underskirts. Luckily had time for a quick trip to Primark for some suitable stuff!!

Have always supplied clothes at our since, because never know what the children will turn up in. Shorts in snowy winter and woolly jumpers in the heat of summer!

[babynugget]

Ok so eventually calmed down and got back to my ironing..... Only to find another of the brand new tops is ripped. , her shorts are stained and all the clothes are discoloured and dirty looking, like they've been washed in dirty water. Still accidental and unreasonable? Or just bloody careless and couldn't give a shit?

[HerRoyalNotness]

What does your SD day happened? Don't just assume. maybe best to stick to primak if her clothes get ruined so easily. And I would just make her wear them until they don't fit. My own DS wears shorts with small holes, tshirts with stains etc, I've told him if he doesn't look after them I won't be replacing, we can't afford to, and if we could it would still be wasteful!

[Just5minswithDacre]

I doubt it's a parent ripping or staining the clothes TBH. The DC are the ones that wear them. Is DSD normally tough on her clothes?

What's confusing is why you let her take clothes you'd specifically bought for your holiday to her mum's, if you'd spent more than normal AND there have been issues with clothes before.

[CannotEvenDeal]

In this situation dh, his ex and I have always washed and ironed at our respective ends before returning things. I don't think it's on that you've been given a whole load of unironed laundry when you bought the clothes new?!

[TimeforaNNChange]

Like a pp, I don't understand why you are ironing clothes that have been laundered in another household. Do you really get handed a bag of ironing to do when your DSD arrives?

And your DSD is 14? Stop buying clothes for her, give her an allowance and allow her to purchase her own - and teach her to launder them too, so she's self sufficient. My DD has been doing that since she was 12.

[babynugget]

I'm not suggesting the clothes have been damaged by their mum or that it's intentional. It's just the apparent lack of concern about stuff they take from ours.

I let her take the clothes because I was horrified to find out that she wanted to take them but was worried about asking me in case I said no. Made me feel like evil step mum so I agreed despite the history and my own reservations.

We do usually wash and iron at our respective ends, I'm not normally handed a bag of laundry to iron. But because of the short time between the two holidays we asked their mum to just try and he them washed and not worry about ironing them.

Interesting idea about the allowance so she can buy her own. Will discuss with DP. She might understand how annoying it is when things get wrecked if she's paid for them herself. I asked her how they got damaged and she just shrugged and said she didn't know and didn't seem to care either. She's very defensive of her mum so we need to be careful that we don't say anything that sounds like criticism of her therefore I didn't push the matter.

Anyway we are just about finished packing and ready to set off!! Going to put it behind me and enjoy the hols! Thanks everyone for giving me your perspectives on this. It's always a help!

[Cosmo111]

I can understand if your clothes for your house got ruined. I take pride in my DC appearance and like to keep them looking smart rips and stains would piss me off. I would me making sure my ex would be replacing them but that's me. I always make sure the colours are washed nicely and any stain remover put on if needed as DS can be a messed eater.

Just the other day he got chocolate down his football too it had stained soaked it in vanish for the day. I wouldn't dream of handing it back stained. I agree about giving her allowance and she can spent it on clothes.

[swingofthings]

She might understand how annoying it is when things get wrecked if she's paid for them herself.
You say she was really chuffed with the chothes, so surely it's not about not caring because you paid for them. You are taking this personally. It sounds to me that it was her first experience of having brand new clothes and didn't appreciate how they needed to be cared for. She is probably as, if not more gutted than you, but isn't saying anything because she is embarrassed. I bet she's learnt her lesson.

I think it would be appropriate to mention it to her that it is a real pity that the clothes are in the state they are after such a short time having them and that you getting her these clothes meant you not getting new ones for her (with the right tone of voice that doesn't express anger), but that hopefully she will have learnt her lesson and be more careful next time, however buys her new things. Very often it takes such an experience for them to learn, pity it was with the clothes you bought her!

[FEJ2016]

I would explain to the girl that you won't be purchasing any more nice clothes if she's not going to look after them. When I was 14 I bought all of my own clothes and I took care of them because I understood where they came from. I think it's odd to have one set of well-looked-after clothes at one house and different stuff at the other house! Teach her to do laundry. And which clothes are for mucking around in and which are for going out etc. And I think PP's idea of an allowance is a great idea. Taking the burden off you as if she ruins it it's her problem.

[NorthernSpirit]

Clothes are always abode of contention between houses.

My OH’s EW sends the kids in rags. We have everything at ours for the kids and we send them back in stuff we’ve bought and we never see it again. Last year he had to buy 6 winter coats as they would come out in T shits in December to be collected. I’m OCD at separating washing - whites, blacks, colours for the wash but mum washes everything together and it comes back grey.

The clothes are the kids - do no problem with stuff going back but as they get older we ask them to bring it back if they want to wear it again.

I’d let this one go

[LegallyBrunet]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[Aridane]

[Wdigin2this]

Pick your battles carefully....there'll be many of them !