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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

OH's family

15 replies

xhappyfeet · 04/04/2016 23:24

Me and my partner live together. We have three daughters, one each from a previous relationship and one together. His daughter is two, mine is three and ours is 6 months old. We had to go through court for access to his daughter and since December we have her on a Saturday every fortnight.
Ever since she has came his family always turn up uninvited. I understand they have every right to see her but they completely ignore our other two children. The last time his daughter came round we were going to a kids party and his mom decides to invite herself not even knowing the child who's party it was just so she could see her granddaughter.
Every single time she is here they all turn up and it is crowded, I haven't had chance to bond with his daughter, I can imagine she feels overwhelmed with everybody there and doesn't look twice at me. As soon as she leaves they all go, and they do not bother to come and see my kids unless his daughter is here too.
My partner has told them that we want time for ourselves and to be a family but they don't seem to care. His mom has been slagging my partner off with his brother and they're both saying how they don't care what he says and that they are just going to turn up.
I know I don't really have a say in this as they are his family but I will not allow for my kids to grow up feeling pushed out. Any advice on how to handle this? I'm not saying they should never come round but they should respect our wishes and let us be sometimes.

OP posts:

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 04/04/2016 23:37

Annoying! It's your house, not theirs. And the child is also going to need some time to get to know you and the other children.

At least your partner seems to see that it is too much. They sound totally bossy. I would be saying no to any visits at all. And then take your DSD to their house when you feel she is ready and you can then control how long you stay. If they turn up send them away, saying it's not convenient but then say a later time when you will see them, ie in about 4 weeks! If they cause a fuss stand firm, as you have enough to deal with. How rude!

Wdigin2this · 04/04/2016 23:41

Bloody hell Happyfeet, what a damn cheek! Don't they see this child anywhere/anyway else, can't they make their own arrangements?

Do you and your partner own/rent your home together, if so you actually do have a say! However they're your partners family, so it's his responsibility to sort it out...and sort it out he must!,

Next time you have her on a Saturday, you two and your other children, pick her up, and go off for the day without telling anyone , (except the child's mother) maybe if you do that a few times, the family from hell will get the message! But in any case they can't forcibly walk in your front door...if you don't open it!!

xhappyfeet · 04/04/2016 23:50

When my partner was stopped from seeing his daughter (Leah) they continued to see her. Not sure what happened for them to mess up arrangements but there is no reason they cannot try to fix it.
I obviously understand they want to see their grandchild but honestly for him to see his daughter once a fortnight is ridiculous so time is very precious. I always try to arrange that we go out for a meal, to the park etc but we are constantly harassed with phone call after phone call until we arrive home.
This weekend I have planned for us to go to the sea life centre. Nobody is aware yet, not even my OH but I hate seeing the look on my daughters face when they give all their attention Leah. Last time she came, my daughter kicked his mom for fussing over Leah and Leah climbed down off her lap and did the same

OP posts:

RudeElf · 04/04/2016 23:57

Ok on saturdays collect DSD and head straight out. Turn off your mobiles. And stay out until its time to take her home. They are being really out of line and its going to take some firm boundary setting to put this right, but your partner has to be fully on board or else nothing will change. Do you think he will agree?

RudeElf · 04/04/2016 23:57

Also, report your post to have your DSD's name removed.

xhappyfeet · 05/04/2016 00:07

Sorry I'm new to this, didn't know that names shouldn't be mentioned. Can't quite understand the abbreviations lol and it's hard having three daughters speaking about one of them.
Well that's definitely the plan for this weekend. What about in future? I'm not saying they can never come round it just irritates me that they think they can invite themselves

OP posts:

RudeElf · 05/04/2016 00:15

Well your DH is going to have to toughen up with his family and tell them in no uncertain terms that they cannot come unless invited. It sounds harsh but these people clearly have boundary issues so harsh is necessary if you are to have any chance of developing a normal relationship with your step daughter.

Bakerandspice · 08/04/2016 14:27

Can you try being out the next few times you have DSD? If they keep turning up and no one home they may start to get the message..

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 14:33

Turn your phone off, go out or lock your door and don't answer it when anyone knocks.

It really is as simple as that.

I have done this - it works

xhappyfeet · 08/04/2016 16:35

Well unfortunately my OH doesn't seem to be on the same page anymore. He has told his brother he can tag along where we are going and we will be back in time for his mom to come round also. I'm fighting a losing battle
It just frustrates me so much that they cannot treat the kids equally. I always knew there would be difficulty with my little girl as she's not blood but my other daughter is and they still just go on about his daughter. On top of all the other issues in our relationship this is really stressing me

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Bakerandspice · 08/04/2016 17:14

Sorry you are in this situation - it does sound as he your OH isn't taking your feelings into account at all... Can you try talking to him away from the kids, home etc.. ? I also find I can get my point across better if not at home..

Waltermittythesequel · 08/04/2016 17:19

You have a three year old.
He has a two year old.
You have a six month old together.
You have other issues in your relationship...

Is this a wind up?

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 18:03

op of your dp is not willing to look at other ways of dealing with this or even consider how you feel then your fighting a losing battle. Unless you stand up for yourself now - this is how it will be. It's not fair on your three year old.

xhappyfeet · 08/04/2016 19:11

Waltermittythesequel what do you mean by that?

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Waltermittythesequel · 08/04/2016 19:28

Sorry, there have been so many troll threads lately, I'm probably overly suspicious or cynical.

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