I know I shouldn't stress - Newbie

[glittertoes72]

Hi. I'm new here.
Signed up as had tough week that is getting repetitive- and I should know to ignore but feel worn out.

I have 2 DS from previous marriage - one is at that adolescent stage - 15, the other has his own challenges - ADHD.

ADHD child is non violent but maybe 2 year behind in maturity but on par academically- just rather hyper if not medicated.

DH has been supportive and fantastic with them both -have been together 5 years.

Then there is DSD who is now 7. She has had an interesting up bringing with her mother - a number of men, but now a step dad but 9 homes later (only 2 with DH) and she is a very clingy lil one.

We used to have her a lot - more in a month than her DM - but now she has a SD only EOW.

She has always been wanting attention, tantrums etc ... Which I just thought as I had boys I just wasn't used to. I had always longed for a girl so was looking forward to the hair, dresses, parties. Instead I got lots of mood swings (is that even normal for one so young?)

I always felt we were giving DSD the stable environment that she needed - and she always said she never did some of the basic things like going to the park with DM.

DH seemed to always adopt the Disney practice with her (but not my DS thankfully) which always annoyed me and the early days was always what caused any argument we had.

New SD has lots of money so now DSD has been showered with all the things my 15 year old wants - this has caused tension.

So the background has been set.

So this last week we have had her dumped on us again as DM and SD have gone away again - its approx every 10 weeks at the moment. So our routine at home has had to change as all 3 go to differing schools and DH goes to work at 6am - so its me that has to manage it all.

So he we go again, a juggling act.

This time DSD is is more demanding, rude, and lying (which is new) and then mega meltdown - she wants to go home!

The big lie was that DM & SD were at home - but she knew they were on holiday - again. DH bent over backwards as he believed she had been lied to - but it turns out she knew exactly where they were!

She can be a lovely child - a joy and the girl I always wanted and then like a flick of switch she is just horrible! And I feel guilty, I am walking on eggshells and really resent DH and feel sorry for my 2DS.

Is this normal for a 7 year old girl?!And I'm Not used to it?

She really pushed me away and treated me as the wicked witch this time - is it a phase?

DH was blaming me for her behaviour which she knew!

I do feel like we are going In cycles and each time it's getting worse!

A bit of advise please as I thought I knew how to deal with most things! (But I can't seem to put a foot right with DSD, DH and 2DS!)

[wheresthel1ght]

I think you need to maybe cut her some slack.

Imagine how you would feel in her position, she desperately wants her mum's attention and never gets it but instead gets left behind whilst mum jets off on holiday all the time. Lying that mum is home is probably her way of dealing with the never ending rejection.

It's not normal behaviour for her age, but considering everything you have posted it is perfectly normal.

As for the jealousy over stuff between your 15 yo, well he is old enough to understand if it is explained correctly.

[anklebitersmum]

How mean to go on holiday without her
At least she gets to come to you.

Is it possible that she's picking up on the 'dumped on us again' vibe and the understandable added stress in the house and is taking it out on you as you are the ones who is actually there the most?

The lying in this case was a massive attention seek I recon. Wanted to know that Dad wouldn't try and take her home, that you all want her to be there regardless of whether she could 'just go back to Mum's house'.

As regards her ongoing demanding stroppiness Dad needs (if he hasn't already) to de-Disney and you both need to set some 'In this house' rules that apply to everyone as regards how you behave towards each other, mealtimes and what have you.

If you don't mind me asking, why is she with you so much less all of a sudden? Could her not understanding that be contributing to her potentially feeling pushed out perhaps?

Have to say I agree with wheresthe as regards fifteen being old enough to understand that not everyone's finances are the same and to not be so childish after all he's old enough to earn a few quid if he's that keen

[glittertoes72]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond.

The phrase 'her being dumped on us' is how I am feeling currently to be honest, I never used to but apart from the EOW we are told, not asked that we have DSD. No consideration of if she has school or what is going on in our lives (we both work full time). The only time we are in control is when We invite her over extra time for holidays (we always take her) and family events - she is a part of our family so is always included.

We didn't reduce the scheduled time she comes to stay, again we were told - and we were also told it was her decision. It was a gradual process, but it went from DH seeing her 12 out of 14 days to EOW (although she didn't always stay over) - looking back DH was used as childcare - which is not needed now.

DSD has her own room at ours and her stays with us are focused more on what she wants to do than my DS - as she has been telling us she doesn't do anything at home.

Since I originally posted DH has spoken to her DM and explained what we experienced in detail when she came to stay. The response was yes she's been awful for the last couple of months and sometime I'm glad to see her go to yours for the weekend! Umm... So this is a phase then? But why hadn't we been told - we would have been prepared to deal with it! Urgh!!

[wheresthel1ght]

I think you need to change how you view her being "dumped" on you. However much you try and hide it that feeling will run off on your attitude and she will pick up on it and react to it. If you can address that in the short term by viewing it as a lovely chance for her to have some proper family time then it will help. At the moment she is an inconvenience at her mum's and her dad's.

As a bit of an off the wall suggestion, would you guys becoming the resident household be an option? I know the school issue isn't ideal but if you can work it maybe having a more settles environment will help. The poor kid doesn't know if she is coming or going. You are pissed off at being told with no notice that she is staying well she must be equally pissed off to never know where she will be sleeping from one day to the next.

[glittertoes72]

Wheresthel1ght, DH and I have discussed a number of times the possibility that DSD may actually choose to live at ours at some point in the future. I guess with the recent behaviour we were thinking she was leaning towards her DM. I can't see her DM letting her go easily though.

Little girls seem so much more complex than boys.

I do feel relieved actually that she has been giving her DM an equally hard time - but I think this clearly shows where her head is at the moment.

This has definitely given me plenty of food for thought for next time she comes to stay.

[wheresthel1ght]

I have dss 12 and dsd 10 plus dd 2.5, give me Dss any day!!

If she is acting out at both houses then she is clearly a very messed up little girl. Keep perceiving you will all get there!

[anklebitersmum]

If I were a suspicious person I'd say that DSD had little to no input as regards spending less time with you and her Dad and has no idea why it's stopped all of a sudden . If I were being very suspicious I'd say that there's a fair chance that she's been told it was you & DH's choice.

At least you know it's at least part 'phase' and isn't a personal attack now.

Long term I think you might need to look into formalising contact arrangements-if for nothing else than to secure DH's part in her life. The 'I'm in charge. You get the crumbs of your child's time I'm willing to toss you' RP routine gets old and fast believe you me-especially when there are other DC to consider!

[MeridianB]

OP, is there anything your DH can do to make contact more regular. It sounds like that might be a start to making a difference. Why can't it go back to EOW? Surely her mother is not the only one to decide this?

[swingofthings]

It could be a phase or there are things going on in her life that is driving her to be unhappy and frustrated that cause her bad behaviour.

DH was blaming me for her behaviour which she knew! What did you mean by that? What is DH saying you do that is contributing/causing? her behaviour.

Clearly if she is acting out at her DM as much as with you and her dad, it isn't you!