My soon to be stepdaughter has started to hate me

[KBear22]

Hi all. I'm in a hard place at the moment and could really use some advice!

My partner and I are due to get married in June this year and recently his 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship has started to act out when she's in our house. We have a baby boy together who she adores and has never displayed any kind of behaviour to suggest there is jealousy in that aspect.

I don't know if I can marry her dad knowing how she is feeling at the moment. I treat her as my own. Take her out the park, plan things for us to do and have treats for her for when she comes to stay. I have known her for 4 years and never once has there been any issue at all.

Suddenly though she's ignoring me being around and acting out in our pair. When I tell her off she looks at me and ignored me. I feel bad for checking her if she does wrong because I don't want to come across as the bad one but I can't ignore it either.

What should I do? I love her to pieces but I don't want to make her feel like I'm taking her dad away or replacing her mum. Her mum is also in a relationship with another man and she's fine at home so it's obvious I'm the issue

When she is here we treat the two kids exactly the same to make sure she doesn't feel left out or pushed aside. I don't want there to be any issue either though because her relationship with her dad is very important to me.

I just don't know what to do

[SohowdoIdothis]

Have you talked to her mum about it?

[hedgehogsdontbite]

What makes you think it's related to you getting married rather than just being 6?

[WSM123]

her fantasy (that almost all kids cling to) that you will go away and mum and dad will get back together is crumbling with the up coming wedding. Its getting all too real and its her way of trying to get some sort of control.

[wheresthel1ght]

Is she involved in the wedding? Could it be that she was hoping to be a bridesmaid/flower girl and that hasn't been mentioned?

Alternatively could there be an issue at home/school? Maybe she is lashing out at you because you are close but aren't her parent? My dad has a habit of this which is why I ask.

[anklebitersmum]

Sounds more like a six year old testing the boundaries to me. All ours certainly went through this "I'm SO important, do as I say" cheeky, stubborn, face-pulling phase at around this age. I mostly blame the playground

It is harder as a SM because you're always aware of the 'not the mamma' factor.
We dealt by having house rules that included not being mean or rude (and that would qualify) and we tried to make sure that we backed up/supported each other when discipline was required so there was less room for 'you're not my...'

Talk to her (or get DP to) about school and whether she's excited about the wedding (and party afterwards) just to check there's not a storm brewing but without more details I'd guess that chances are she's just being six. If you can ask Mum to have a bit of an investigate, do, just to be on the safe side.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I agree with other posters, try to take the fact that you are a step mum out of the equation and respond with calm. She may well be jealous / sad / turning 6 - probably all these things. But she's not responsible for you and DP being happy, don't make her approval of you a factor. It's a big burden for a child. Just be kind, considerate, but no wobbles over marriage!

[lateforeverything]

Fwiw I met my dss when he was 2, married dh when dss was 4 and I teach 6yos

What does your dp think/say? You remind me of me back in the day... You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You and dp deserve to be happy and ateotd you can only do your best.

Stick with it, my dss is 12 now and we are closer than ever- he ended up moving in with us full-time when he was 7. All of this despite him telling me in the run up to the wedding that I shouldn't hug or kiss his dad because he was all his. Ah the joys!

Plus I spend a good proportion of my day at the receiving end of those 'looks' at school. It probably isn't as personal as you think!