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Is it that Dad's just cannot bear to be the 'Bad Cop'?

(13 Posts)
Wdigin2this Tue 15-Mar-16 00:12:24

We're at the stage of having DH's youngest GC weekly, and my biggest struggle is that he would (if I didn't fight it)just say yes to EVERYTHING rather than have to say no to anything! I've always felt that, like the Army Generals of need to pick your battles, but once you've committed, you just have to stick to your guns!

I never immediately say no to stuff, I think is it worth committing myself to, because once I have, I stick to it like glue! DH cannot handle the pleading, the begging and downright tantrums for the sweeties/whatever that are not allowed because lunch wasn't eaten...and he would if not stopped, just cave in EVERYTIME!!! It's all very trying isn't it?!

MeridianB Tue 15-Mar-16 08:56:46

Wdigin, this is so true. The main thing I wonder about is how they rationalise this with the idea of helping the child develop into a well-rounded, good person.

If life lessons are constantly being abandoned to keep kids happy then doesn't this chip away at their chances of being a capable, well-balanced adult? Having everything your own way all the time will leave this children unable to cope with the harsh realities of life.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 15-Mar-16 11:04:42

Is he always supported in his Disneying and pandering by the GC parents? I second Meridian's point about how to reconcile giving in to everything and helping to develop decent human beings with consideration for others and an normal sense of their self worth, rather than tony dictators.

It must be so hard for you. But at least they have you in their lives to provide some balance! As they grow up hopefully they'll appreciate your fairness and feel respected rather than babied and pandered to. Hopefully...? Maybe!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 15-Mar-16 12:18:52

I too second meridian's point - is there any way of getting your DP to see that if you are seeing them regularly, the kindest and unselfish way for him to be is to let go of being the most liked grandad, but truly help his grandkids. Not just for now, but their long term future. And be the grandpa they love but also admire, who can be a strong role model?

Even get a book on grandparenting that backs this up? And maybe just let him give them sweets etc but say 'it's hard on the kids, they need good nutrition but they are too young to be strong enough to do this themselves. It'll be tough for them at the dentists'...

Wdigin2this Tue 15-Mar-16 14:26:56

OMGoodness, you have all hit the nail n the head! That's exactly how I feel, making kids think they've only got to whinge a bit, and they get their own way, is a sure recipie for turning them into spoiled, inconsiderate and incapable adults!

We've discussed it many times, especially about older DGC, he understands he's wrong, and that it doesn't do them any good....but when it comes right down to it he caves! I've even told him, this is not about's about doing what's best for the kids!

puzzledleopard Wed 16-Mar-16 11:02:58

This is so true! I'm Struggling with my DD and though it is not all my ex's fault but he is exactly this kind of dad you describe he gives in at everything and DD even came out with Daddys do not tell children off!!
His father (Grandad) is just the same and so is his mum (Nanna)

I have my DD through the week where we have a routine and I can understand it can be tedious for her but then he has her every other weekend (was every weekend till recently because he cannot have her in the week). They do amazing fun stuff all weekend and she gets everything she wants and it infuriates me! I want her to have nice stuff (I cannot afford to do it) but I want her to have consistency.

I understand that they are his GC but would he do this when it was his own children? He could be making it harder for their parents in the long run.
My DD questions why she has to do it here when Daddy and Nanna is ok with it there or let her do it there. She is always pushing her luck when she gets back from theirs but I will not budge like you say once you have committed you have to stick to your guns.

People mentioning dentists have a point. My DD has to go under general and its not going to be nice and yet they all still provide her with sweets and let her brush her own teeth (which is not recommended unless they can tie shoelaces efficiently which is miles off). Yet im the parent that got accused of child abuse at the dentist because she was in agony.

Wdigin2this Wed 16-Mar-16 11:56:42

As far as I can see he certainly did the same thing with his own DD, and boy does it show!

MeridianB Wed 16-Mar-16 13:07:53

With my DH it's lots of little things. But he fails to see the potential overall problem he's creating by letting little things slide.

I can't help hearing my own parents' voices when they were bringing me up. I may have pulled a face or found it boring but as an adult I have always been really aware and grateful of the guidance and boundaries they gave me.

Wanting a stepchild to have the best possible start to adult life is surely not a bad thing? And yet my DH seems to think I am just moaning.

puzzledleopard Wed 16-Mar-16 13:39:30

I wish my ex had someone like you to guide him Wdigin2this

I have just had an argument be it over texts.

Then I came back on to see if there have been any posts and what MeridianB put is right that he fails to see the potential overall problem he's creating by letting little things slide! This is exactly it!

I am on the same page with my new partner our parenting skills are very much alike but he is having to take the brunt of it as step dad. We all live together apart from when she goes to her bio dad. Atm it's difficult to say the least.

You need to get him on board when if it ever comes to you being the one forced to do all the discipline or that it appears to come from you thats when children pick sides and really play on the other person. My dd plays my ex and he falls for it. He dared to accuse me of being too hard so I gave it back at him that he is too much of a wimp to say No the odd time! and it's not making her life consistent. I wouldn't have to be the bad cop all the time if he keep it consistent.

Wdigin2this Wed 16-Mar-16 20:08:33

Puzzle, we're already at the stage of me always having to be the disciplinarian, and it's just unfair!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 17-Mar-16 13:41:12

So right puzzled - it's the worst situation for a step parent, having to be the bad guy. The children will just resent outside 'intrusion' all the more. Yet the alternative, standing by week after week seeing and being the brunt of bad behaviour. Some parents just don't seem to parent, just indulge!

mrjobson67 Tue 05-Apr-16 12:25:39

This thread completely rings true to how the attitude of my SS has turned out. He has been protected by life lessons all his life and know nothing of responsibility, he's always been mothered and it continues to go on.

Wdigin2this Wed 06-Apr-16 00:10:12

Well MrJob I truly feel you must now be reaching the very end of your tether. As I said in your another thread, problems/difficulties I've had....but I couldn't live your (blended family) life without becoming so resentful and bitter....I'd probably burst!!!!

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