Disappointed for my DH

[Flixy102]

I just feel so gutted for poor DH I thought I might feel better if I wrote it down and maybe get some helpful suggestions to make things better.

So, DSD comes to us every Sunday, has done for many years. It happens this year that her 18th birthday falls on a Sunday. DH had asked and checked with her many times if she was making plans for that day with her friends, she said definitely no and she was coming to us as usual. DH was happy for DSD to do as she pleased on her birthday, absolutely no pressure but she was adamant she would come to us as usual.

DH and I set about planning the day, DSD said she wanted to go bowling so we booked that, booked a table for all the family for dinner, ordered a cake and balloons etc for the table. DH has also saved a not insignificant sum of money for his DD over the years which he was looking forward to giving her on the day.

She text him yesterday saying her friends had asked her to keep the day of her birthday free as they were planning something for her and that she was really looking forward to it She asked DH if we could go out the Sunday after her birthday now but everything is booked and ordered already. That's not really the point, DH just feels so disappointed in her attitude that she knew we had made plans and she overruled them.

Written down it doesn't seem so bad and it's more of a teen issue than a step issue but DH is so hurt I'm looking for something to say to him!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Have you contacted the bowling place to see if they can move your bookings to the following week? Even if it's all been paid for you if you explain they might transfer everything for you. Then you and DP won't feel you've lost anything and you can have your celebration the week after.

If that's possible, you can plan something lovely for the two of you to do together on the Sunday when you DSC is with her friends.

Of course it's disappointing when you've made plans for her but I doubt she's being deliberately thoughtless or ungrateful, she's probably just caught up in the excitement of turning 18 and didn't think her friends would want organise anything so is going along with that as they now are.

[Bluelilies]

Yes, she's being a thoughtless teenagers, where peer groups are more priority than parents.

How far off is it? If you're talking about next week, then I think she's being quite out of order and ought to understand how much money you've lost (maybe knock it off what your DH is giving her) and to have it made clear that she's let you all down.

However if it's weeks off, I'd think less of it and just see if you can move the bowling booking. Very likely that you can. Restaurant bookings very rarely take a deposit, so you're unlikely to lose money especially if you just want to reschedule.

[Flixy102]

Sorry meant to say it's next week

[Borninthe60s]

It's nothing personal, what teenager doesn't want to celebrate their 18th with their friends, family come second at that age.

[Bluelilies]

In that case she deserves a bit of guilt tripping to teach her that she shouldn't make agreements with one group of people and then ditch them if she gets a better offer.

Still worth seeing if you can change your booking though

[Bluelilies]

Or better still, get DSD to phone up and see if she can change the booking

[MeridianB]

Were all the plans a surprise or did DSD know? If the former then maybe she thought nothing special was happening?

[Flixy102]

She knew about and agreed to all the plans a few weeks ago. It's probably just teenage stuff but DH feels like he's losing her

[swingofthings]

I expect deep inside she'd hoped that her friends would arrange something, but didn't want to anticipate it so not to be disappointed, so set herself to get excited about doing this with dad and you. Of course, the minutes the friends said they'd arranged something, she felt over the moon and her happiness took over her feeling sorry for letting her dad down. She probably feels bad deep inside, but her focus in on her excitment over having fun with her friends.

Not nice indeed, but something your OH should get over as most teenagers will always favour celebrating with their friends rather than mum and/or dad.

[DustyBustle]

Aw sorry, this no doubt feels shit for him, but yeah, on your 18th you're going to ditch your Dad for your mates I'm afraid, - not fair but if that's the worst thing she does it's not so bad

I can understand you feeling bad for him too, if you were both her parents you could 'own' the disappointment with him IYSWIM.

Hopefully you can rearrange something and she will appreciate it, - do you think you're able to have a quiet word with her so she knows a 'sorry Dad' might go a long way?

[Flixy102]

Written down I know it doesn't seem so bad, at the time it really hurt! They've had a good chat and DH thinks she now realises why he's disappointed, he's told her to go out with her friends and have a good birthday so hopefully all is calm for now!

[daisychain01]

Flixy I really feel for you and your DH x.

If it were me, I'd be explaining to her that it is very bad form to accept an invitation and then let them down when they get a better offer. I don't think she should be protected from the consequences of her actions, but that's for you and your DH to decide if that's the way you want to deal with it. At the age of 18 it's a message that will serve her well out in the big wide world!

[Petal02]

Completely agree with Daisychain's post.

[CocktailQueen]

Totally agree with Daisychain!

Your dsd might be a thoughtless teen, but she should be able to think about how you will all feel, having planned a party for her. You don't accept one invitation then blow it off for a better offer - very rude.

Can't she spend the daytime with you then go out with her mates in the evening?

[Bluelilies]

She was rude on this occasion, because you'd already made plans. But your DH isn't "losing" her - having an 18 year old who's reliant more on her friends than her family is a mark of successful parenting - she's exactly where she should be by that age. I'd be much more worried about an 18 year old who had no plans for celebrating their birthday with friends and only had their family for company.

I think NRP's find kids getting independent hard, and confuse it with losing contact with a child. They've been anxious for years about whether they're seeing enough of their child to keep up a relationship, and don't manage to see that it's normal and healthy for them to want to be with peers and not parents by 18.

[Petal02]

Bluelillies - your second paragraph is absolutely spot-on.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

I think NRP's find kids getting independent hard, and confuse it with losing contact with a child.

The OPs DSD isn't "getting independent" in this case though - she's pulling out of plans she agreed to because she's had a more attractive offer at the last minute.

Arguably, at 18, she should already have been taught the social skills to understand the impact of that on others and her relationship with them.
Whether the OPs DP has had the opportunity to influence his DDs social education as she was growing up isn't clear, but if he has, then there is clearly more work to do. Whether that's possible now his DD is an adult is debatable.

[Bluelilies]

I know that pretty - but I was talking about her comment that her DH felt he was "losing" DSD. Not that he was pissed off with her messing him around, but he was somewho losing her to her friends, which shouldn't really be a problem in itself.