Ex rings at least once a day to "see what we're doing"

[katmanwho]

We've had 6 years apart. We do shared parenting. But ex has to ring up when DS is with me to "see" what we're up to. He was controlling when we lived together. Not over controlling but enough.

We have a good relationship - communication is vital. But I do get pissed off with being checked on, asking what's for tea, what we're up to, have we been out if it's a nice day. All very subtle - every question has a subtext to it.

Is this still trying to be controlling? I've told him I don't like it but he says it's not controlling.

[gBean]

Don't answer the phone

[financialwizard]

My ex is the same. I feel like he is being controlling although there are other things that point that way too.

I'm struggling to not answer the phone but I think it is the best solution.

[MeridianB]

I agree - ignore the phone every time. It's all part of his control needs so don't answer. YANBU.

[katmanwho]

Just had the apology. Lots going on, shouldn't have taken it out on you - a phone call turned sour with the phone going down his end.

Not the first time we've had this - he gets angry, upset and then puts the phone down. Followed some time later by an apology. I want to make sure we have a good relationship for the sake of DS but I keep telling myself that I shouldn't have to take this. Argument, phone down, apology. It's too much. I think I am too nice sometimes.

[VimFuego101]

I would set a time when your DS can call him each day, tell him to expect a call at that time, and then stop answering.

[Bluelilies]

I think you need an almost business-like relationship with your ex to be good parents together but not in a relationship. Falling out and then apologising is carrying on the dynamics of your relationship rather than co-parenting. My ex and I did it a little when we'd first split up, but then thankfully managed to move onto a much more formal relationship now when we only really discuss the kids together, nothing more. You need to be amicable, not close, for the sake of DS.

How old is DS? Is he old enough to speak to his dad direct on the phone? Because it's really not necessary for him to be asking you what you're having for dinner each day - it's none of his business. Can you suggest you call him instead once a week for an update of what DS has been up to?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Yes this doesn't sound good. Do everything possible to ignore that call, he's treating you like you are still in a relationship and getting upset and apologising is intense.

[QuiteLikely5]

Get your ds a cheap mobile, daddy can call him on that.

[swingofthings]

How old is the child. If indeed old enough for a mobile, then he should be asking them directly. It is then up to them to establish the level of communication that is appropriate, ie. he will quickly learn that kids are not too bothered to go on and on sharing information about their days!

[SaloonBalloon]

What if the mother did this? Would you still see it as controlling? I have texted my ex a lot today but my DC is 5, under the weather and not eating and obviously I'm concerned about her.

I do have concerns about how my ex cares for the children ( He is not neglectful just not particularly empathic) and our parenting styles are different. If the children go off to him fine I try not to text but if I'm concerned ( they have had a bad night or been upset) then I do often text a couple of times to do handover info before pick up and later in the day to find out how they are.... is this not on?

I realise it sounds a bit controlling but when you're the one who did absolutely everything and had to remember everything for 6 years it's hard to let go..