Ex-wife criticising partner 24/7

[Robin981]

I am in a new relationship with a lovely divorced man with two young children.
The divorce sounded messy but there was nothing out of the ordinary I.e violence, adultery or anything of the sort just a bored frustrated housewife and husband.
When I met him I quickly realised her behaviour was outrageous, like that of a spoilt brat. They have a very good child share agreement with a whole week on and off for each parent so totally equally.
She never picks up the phone when he rings on her weeks so he speaks to them rarely or when she feels like it and then she'll call with no notice at all in his weeks.
She demands things in texts and tries to make him feel like he should be buying things, she is obsessed with money.
She used to let him video call them and now is lying about all her devices being broken, she told everyone in her mum network he emotionally abused her yet she gave him a black eye when together!
She tried to get her own daughter to steal something from the house recently claiming it was hers, she made the same daughter hand out invites for a party a week after her actual birthday at mummy's house and then Told her daughter people only like invites from mummy's. This was on hand over day and the day my partner was going to sit down and do invites ( she knew the child was going to have a party at daddy's) the list can go on its incredible.
I've told him to not react and be fair but firm about things and she's gone slightly mad. She can't handle him not being at her beck and call and rings him incessantly ( 8 times in a row ) for things like a spare pair of tights.
He's just got the spare birth certificates back after 12 months of asking and when he politely asked if he could come to the party next week she said no and slammed the door in his face.
She really is a very unpleasant woman and I worry for the children as she's so nasty about him to them but I'm starting to want to get involved and tell her to grow up as its so unnecessary and stressful. It's almost like she enjoys it.
She's very obsessed with money and 'being middle-class' and even though the house she's in was paid for by him in the divorce she's still insisting for money for 'special' shoes for kids as they have narrow and flat feet.
I don't think she's adjusted to her new lifestyle very well as a single mum, financially more than anything!

Do you have any tips on how to deal with it? He's had enough and so have I.

Thank you

[newname99]

Do not get involved.How long have they been separated and how old are the children?

If your partner has an agreement for the children he should just stick to that.Don't attempt to change her, it won't work.If your boyfriend needs clarity on birthdays then get it formalised.If she phones for errands then he just needs to have a mantra to not respond unless it relates to the children.

My husbands ex was highly unreasonable and nothing we could do would change her.She remarried/divorced a 3rd time and husband nos2 is her target now not us.I wasted so much energy trying to understand her or placate her.Its pointless, she will would fight with anyone and I realised she liked the drama.

You can't make a unreasonable person reasonable.If the children are young consider if you can live with this drama in your life? I am now through the worst but looking back I wish I knew what I know now.My ex & I get on fine so I assumed others were similar, that was very naive of me!
Don't think you can fix this, there is no silver bullet.Your choice is to tolerate it from the sidelines or remove yourself from the relationship..You cannot get involved, other than support your boyfriend.

[lighteningirl]

My dh ex is the same but I try to remember that she lost an amazing, wonderful man through gross stupidity and negligence so she's unhappy, bitter and resentful. She now has to pay her own bills, do the bulk of the childcare and wake up without him every day the poor dc are her only weapons and nothing he does or I do can give her what she wants: her old life as his wife back.

[Sunbeam1112]

Your in a new relationship so it is most definately not wise to get involved. Really should you be meeting his DC just yet? She maybe bitter but don't always take what your new DP says a true facts you find the truth is actually somewhere between.

My ex was mentally and on one occassion physically abusive towards me. In the end he had an affair with another woman ( i doubt this is information he would willing share with his partner)

If access is 50/50 i dont see the need for your DP to be in constant need to be in contact. Especially as he is going to have a full week with DC.

[Morganly]

Absolutely do not get involved. That will not have a good outcome and could potentially exacerbate the situation. Just support him while he deals with her himself.

She may be as unreasonable as you say but you don't really know the history of their relationship and break up, only his version.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I agree with others, you cannot change this woman, and the more your DP stands up to her the more she will kick off.

But it IS poisonous having this intrusive crap in your and DPs relationship. Be clear that there must be a line around you and DP that his EX is not allowed in - no excessive calls, no continual money requests, no drama, very minimal contact. Tell your DP that you will leave otherwise.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Lighteninggirl - so true! For me anyway.

'Nothing we can do can give her what she wants - her old life as his wife back'.

[Wdigin2this]

I agree, do not get involved!!! Your DP should minimise all contact to that which is necessary for his DC's welfare...his ex is no longer a part of his life!

She is obviously bitter, but that's not yours or DP's problem! Don't feed her obsession, don't retaliate which will give her ammunition! Just block her from your minds/lives, ignore any rants as if the aren't happening and get legal advice/support on any monetary and visitation problems!

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

You really mustn't get involved.

As you say it's a new relationship, then it's probably far too early to be meeting the DC, let alone sticking your oar in about how they should be parented.

Some of what you ascribe to the ex is totally normal. If there are extra expenses for specific items, then it is right that these are shared. Having two parties isn't unusual either. And losing track of the ownership of an item is a pretty frequent occurrence too.

Is he deliberately bad mouthing her all the time? And do you have any independent knowledge of her character?

[louisaglasson]

Don't get involved, you are a new girlfriend and know nothing about what went on behind closed doors when they were married. It would be particularly inflammatory to be contacting his xw at all. Instead, work on just enjoying dating a new man. If everything he is telling turns out to be true, you may need to accept that this is just the way she is.

When a couple divorce all monies and assets are theirs jointly and get divided up, starting at 50/50 but having things like who has majority care of the children and all sorts of other factors taken into account. So the house she is in was most likely paid for by her from her share of the joint assets. It would have been agreed by him or ordered by a court.

Is she obsessed with money? Or asking for his share in bringing up the children when she asks for things. I hope he is paying maintenance, because if not he should be paying for a lot more than just decent shoes that fit.

But overall, if you are getting this riled by the situation so early on in your relationship you might want to consider that you aren't cut out to be with a man with children and an ex who you feel this way about.

[lunar1]

How new is new? Because you may be right or there may be a huge part of the story you only have his side of.

[swingofthings]

DON'T GET INVOLVED however much you think you should. You are acting like a normal new girlfriend, who believes everything her perfect new boyfriend tells her with blinked eyes. Not saying that her behaviour is appropriate, but the reality is that you see your new partner as not able to do any wrong whilst she's being a pest and that view will inevitably be blinded by the fact that you know nothing of their past and that he will so far only have shown the side of him he wants you to see.

Step away and let him deal with her. She is his problem, not yours.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

You should hear the things my ex tells his girlfriend I do!

Don't get involved and don't take everything your boyfriend says as the gospel truth yet.

(No XHGF, I didn't demand to meet you. I didn't even ask to meet you. My exact response when DS mentioned you was "Oh, that's nice.".)

[lookluv]

Sorry you really only have one side to what happened. My Ex tells all sorts of lies about the house I live in - how much he paid etc etc.

Truth is he stopped offsetting his accounts against the mortgage 5 yrs before he did a bunk, so I paid all the interest and did not pay for the mortgage once he did leave. He took out a second mortgage against the house to buy her a car, rolled that into our offset mortgage whilst finances were being sorted and I ended up having to pay it off. Allegedly the £200 pcm he paid me was his share of the mortgage, but it was also his maintenance payment and also the extra he gave me every month - or so he told mutual friends!!! That same £200 - was used for a lot of stuff!!!!

[WSM123]

RUN
My ex was a great guy but his ex who he had kids with was mental and it drove us apart

[VertigoNun]

How do you know the door was slammed and what was discussed?

How do you know there is money obsession and no DV?

[MsColouring]

How is this 'a very good shared care agreement' when there is constant conflict? How did this arrangement come about as it seems she is not happy with it?

[Funinthesun15]

Sorry you really only have one side to what happened.

Very true. When my DH divorced his exW she told everyone it was his 'fault'.

Truth is she had affairs and they actually divorced on grounds of her adultery.

[SavoyCabbage]

I don't think she sounds all that bad.

She rings them at their dad's house.
She rings eight times in a row about tights. Maybe she really needed them. I rang my own dh about the same number of times yesterday when he was at work as I really needed some information for dd's homework.
She arranged a birthday party even though her dd was already having one. Fine. She shouldn't have said that about the Mummy's hosting parties but maybe she meant that her friends would expect it to be at her house where it's always been. Or that she's always done the parties in the past so she knows what needs to be done, if your do has never been involved in the organisation before she might think it's weird that he has decided to throw a party now.
She says her ipad (or similar) is broken so she can't do video chat. Which you don't for some reason.
The thing about asking the dd to steal something that she claims is hers, well, there must be a back story there.
She told her friends he gave her a black eye. I'd what yo know more about that.

I didn't think that people really got divorced because they were bored, usually there is a catalyst.

[BitOutOfPractice]

What all the others said.

You only have one side of the story. It's not your business it's theirs. Stay out of it

[BitOutOfPractice]

Savoy the ex doesn't claim he have get a black eye. The op claims the ex have him a black eye.

[SavoyCabbage]

Oh, yes. Sorry. I read that as the ex was telling her friends that he had given her a black eye.