Opinions on this really appreciated - step-parents or otherwise

[NotActuallyAMum]

Bit of background: My dsd came to live with us in April after her mum threw her out. I could count on my fingers the number of times she's seen her mum since and even when they have met, things have been strained between them to say the least. Her mum has always let dsd 'do the running' so to speak, she has never phoned her dd, it's always been dsd who has phoned her. In June, dsd asked us if she could go and visit her Uncle and Auntie (mum's brother). She hadn't been allowed to go for a few years because her mum had fallen out with them. We let her go, and she's been going regularly since. She loves it there, she has a fantastic time with her cousins, going shopping with them etc. They're the only family she's got (DP's an only child, this uncle is her mum's only sibling). At the beginning of October, her mum suddenly told her that if she didn't stop going to her Uncle's she wouldn't see her again. Needless to say, dsd was devastated. She tried very hard to get her mum to realise that it wasn't fair of her to give her this ultimatum but she wouldn't listen. dsd, by her own choice, has stood her ground and she's now happy enough again

DP and I have been thinking about Christmas, she's bound to be upset at not seeing her mum. So we thought about giving her a couple of extra presents on Boxing Day, but half of me thinks we shouldn't because she's had sky in her bedroom as her present from us and we made it absolutely clear she would get nothing else as we have to pay for that forever, if we give her something else then we've done a complete U-turn and gone back on what we made clear to her. Also, us giving her more presents is not going to make up for her not seeing her mum anyway

However the other half of me thinks we should give them to her as she'll know that we've thought about her not seeing her mum over Christmas and at least attempted to do something to make her feel better

What do you think? Good idea or bad?

[wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree]

I think it's lovely that you all want to make the effort to help make up for the fact that her mum isn't there (although I use the term "mum" loosely as this woman clearly is not deserving of the title). Instead of buying a couple more presents for boxing day, maybe you could just make the hugest effort to turn Christmas into what it should be, get a stocking with little presents, perfume, jewellery, chocolate, make-up (if you approve of make-up) nice bubble bath, and put it at the end of her bed on Christmas eve so it's there when she gets up in the morning. Then all have lovely breakfast, champagne breakfast even, with sparkling wine if you can't afford Champagne, lovely Christmas dinner etc. Then on boxing day could you all go out and do something together? trip to the cinema or something? also, would it be possible to arrange for her to see her uncle and cousins over the Christmas period? either for them to pop over to yours (but don't tell her they're coming - make it a surprise) or arrange for her to go over there?

good luck and hth

[dara]

How old is she? I think EVERYONE should have presents to open on Christmas day. If you and your partner are opening stuff I'd feel dreadful if she had nothing. I agree, she should still get a stocking at the end of the bed on Christmas morning with small presents. And that has nothing to do with her miserable situation with her mother, I'd do it anyway.

[PinkTinsel]

definitely spoil her rotten, sounds like she deserves it. if she cvan't have pressies at xmas when can she?!

my mom used always give me a present on boxing day and on new years and it was lovely, made xmas go on for ever and it was so special, even if the presents weren't anything big.

[Avalon]

I think wannaBe's got the right idea.

I've read a lot of your posts about your sd, NAAM and you come over as a lovely stepmother.

[KTreePee]

Yes if Sky is the only thing you have got her, definitely do a stocking too or maybe some new clothes (especially if you might need to buy her some new things soon anyway!)

[ChristmasCaroligula]

I'm not sure why extra presents on boxing day? Am a bit confused, why not Christmas day? Has she got something to open on christmas day itself, I think that's more important than having extra. How old is she?

I agree that it's more important to make christmas as special and lovely as possible than to give her more things. You're so right, things won't make up for her not seeing her mum, but having everyone make a real effort to make a lovely atmosphere and enjoy themselves (without straining to make it so perfect that you're all drunk by 10AM with the effort of it) is the way forward. The something to open on christmas day needn't be expensive, btw, it just needs to be something that shows her you've thought about her.

[NotActuallyAMum]

She's 13

Sorry, I didn't make it very clear but I didn't mean she'll have nothing to open on Christmas Day, quite the opposite in fact! DPs parents always buy her lots, as does his gran, my parents always buy for her, I'm the youngest of 5 - they all buy for her too. She'll have more to open than we will LOL

We've already got her favourite breakfast sorted for Christmas Day, and she's going to her Uncle's for a couple of hours in the morning while DP and I do dinner. We're off to my parents for tea, she'll love that. Lots of my nieces and nephews will be there, she gets on great with them

Boxing Day we're all going to watch DPs football team play - she loves doing that too. Then the day after Boxing Day her friend who lives away is coming to stay till New Year's Eve so she's got plenty going on

[NotActuallyAMum]

x posts with some of you there

Avalon thank you, that means a lot

CC we just thought Boxing Day because that gives her mum all day on Christmas Day to contact her. Not that we think she will...

[colditz]

i think rather than some presents to open, plan something for the day to do as a family.

you sound lovely, do you want to adopt me?

[NotActuallyAMum]

LOL colditz thanks for that

We're definitely going to spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day as a family, once her friend gets here the day after that though we'll probably hardly see her till New Years Eve, but that's teenagers for you I guess. At least she'll be enjoying herself

[dara]

Then I'd do a stocking for her to find on Christmas morning. Even teenagers really, really love to be babied like that.
The rest of it all sounds absolutely perfect. And she is with her family so I think you needn't worry as much as you do, though it is lovely of you to worry.

[Frostythesurfmum]

NAAM it sounds to me like you don't have to buy any extra presents. I don't think any amount being spent on presents will make up for what her mum has done to her. But arranging a really lovely, family Christmas for her like you have will help I'm sure. Even if she doesn't thank you at the time, I'm sure she will look back on it with great fondness. You are a very special person and she is really lucky to have you. .

[NotActuallyAMum]

Thanks Frosty (love the name )

Recently she's been talking more about her friend coming to stay than Christmas. We've told her we'll take them, plus another good friend, out for a meal while she's here

Fingers crossed that everything goes well and she's happy