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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

The bad guy again!!!

28 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 20:04

Why does my DH insist on asking me things in front of the kids he knows I won't agree to! I've asked him to pull me aside so we can talk about it but he never does! Here I am looking bad once again because Ive had to say no in front of them. And I've spent the day rushing around on his behalf to sort a special day for one of the dsc

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Effic · 11/09/2015 20:10

Because he's hoping that by asking in front of them, best case scenario for him, he will force your hand into saying yes as you will feel guilty/ not want to be the bad guy and at worst (for him) he can blame you (ie he's not the bad guy)
Not nice for you - sorry :)

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 20:31

Dsd asked before, I said no. Then he asks and I said no, then he says "oh but it's only blah blah blah" row ensues. And this is something we've previously agreed on for the best for us all! Soooooo mad!

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MistressMerryWeather · 11/09/2015 20:39

No, he shouldn't do that in front of the children, BUT...

Do you say no a lot? DH has a habit of saying no automatically and it can be very frustrating. I admit I have had to butt-in in the past.

I have asked why he does it and he has no idea. It's something he is working on.

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 21:31

Tbh I really don't, this is one point I have asked for and its about bed time. Anything else I'm good with, and I only ask it on the friday night after a long week and the kids are all tired and I just need some down time. And I don't think 9;30 is early for an 8 yr old

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MistressMerryWeather · 11/09/2015 21:46

Ah, well he shouldn't be rearranging bedtimes out of the blue.

DS1 is 8 and is always knackered on a Friday night too, 9:30 is a generous bedtime anyway.

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 22:12

Thanks, I thought so. But it comes up every time. I don't blame her for trying it and asking each and every contact "what time am I going to bed?" But I do blame DH for putting me in a shit situation

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Wewereneverbeingboring · 11/09/2015 22:16

If DH wants you to be the bad guy then leave him to do his own "rushing around" after his DC. Maybe if he's knackered after doing some hard work of his own he might appreciate his DC having a (still late) 9:30 bedtime.

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 22:45

Ikwym but if I didn't do it dsd wouldn't have a special day tomorrow (another reason I wanted her to go to bed on time, so I could get banners/balloons up, and other bits done). I really don't think it would happen otherwise. On another note. I'm totally excited for her lol!!! Can't wait for the morning

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Neverenuff · 12/09/2015 08:56

Dp does this constantly. Pisses me off so much despite asking him not to do it.

No advice really just know how you feel.

Hope dsd has a fab day tho. Xx

Tory79 · 12/09/2015 08:59

No advice but also the same here. Drives me up the wall. And he'll say to dsd that it's up to me.... I hate that!

Wewereneverbeingboring · 12/09/2015 09:43

It's lovely that you care and your DSD won't be missing out, but are you not concerned that your DH wouldn't be bothered about ensuring that his daughter has a special day? If you weren't around to help then he'd have to find the time - or would he really not care? Sound like he's happy to spoil her with things that require no effort from him e.g. late bedtimes but anything involving donkey work falls to you...that would worry me a lot tbh.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 12/09/2015 09:46

Sorry posted too soon, also wanted to say that regardless I hope you and DSD have a lovely day

WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 10:55

I guess he's a bit of a last minute merchant, he's taken her out now to go shopping and for lunch.

Dss has taken his brother (my ds) out to play :) considering there is a 12 yr gap it really sweet of him.

If I wasn't here DH would make the time, but I'm not sure if he'd sort the finer details. And I know for sure bed time would be out the window!

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swingofthings · 12/09/2015 17:10

Is it because there was something special on TV they wanted to watch or just because they wanted their bedtime extended.

If the first, I don't think it was unreasonable to say yes and you could have gone in another room for your 'me' time. If the latter, then you were right to say no as asking was testing how you too stick to the rules.

WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 17:15

Nothing on special, she asked every time no matter what. And I don't want to go in my room for my 'me' time, we have no TV in there and mots programs after 9 are not sutible for her. Saturday night is fine to say up imo

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 17:19

I think you do need your own downtime in the evening - 9.30 is too late imo for a child that age. No way should you have to go to your own bedroom just to get some adult time on a Friday evening! Tell your husband to be a bloody father and not some kind of Disney dad. She'll love him anyway!

WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 17:19

I know it sound silly, but if the TV is on at all during the day it's my toddlers programs and in the afternoon/evening I'm busy doing dinner, bath and all the other bits and bobs. Even if there was something special on we can record it for the next day....not that much on at 9 is age appropriate for her

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WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 17:23

I don't even mind if he disagrees, just not in front of the kids! He says things without thinking about why I've come to a conclusion and if he asked first he'd realise why I've said no......oh well. She's had a nice day and all are happy :)

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 17:24

It's the watershed, isn't it? The TV companies deliberately set a limit of 9 pm when children's programmes stop.

What would your husband say if you asked him when you were meant to watch TV?

WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 17:31

He's probably say I have all the time the dsc aren't here to watch TV, and he wants to stay up with them (and I understand that)but tbh they are both knackered and he doesn't realise that by that time I also need some kid free time, and that included all the kids, not just my dsc. It's not a rule I've set in stone, life doesn't work like that but I like to stick to it where I can for the benefit of all.

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ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 18:00

He's being stupid. If she is tired, he should encourage her to go to bed. It's different if they're older.

How old are the SC?

WhoGivesAFlying · 12/09/2015 18:04

8 & 14....the 14yr old stays up a bit longer but he is also know to take himself to bed

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iamanintrovert · 13/09/2015 08:19

My own two, the oldest one is nearly 8, are in bed by 8pm. And I need that evening downtime too.

Wdigin2this · 13/09/2015 11:03

My DSC were all grown up when we got together, so it didn't really apply. But when his DGC1 came along...oh boy did he hate being the bad guy!! Everything the child asked for (which was not allowed by the parents) he would say, 'oh you'd better ask Grandma'...me, so I had to say no, and I hated it! We talked about it and it got better, eventually, now his second DGC is here and it started all over again! So one day DSGC2 asked Grandad for certain sweeties banned by parents, Grandad says 'oh you should ask Grandma', so when the child asked me, I replied if Grandad says you can have them, go ahead, have as many as you like....so Grandad bought sweeties! Later when taking a very sticky and sickly child home to parents Grandad had to sheepishly explain, he had given child contraband sweeties, when expressly asked not to....he hasn't made me the bad guy since!!

riverboat1 · 13/09/2015 11:06

What about saying she has to go to bed but not necessarily to sleep...her dad could read her a few stories or have a nice bedside chat if he feels he wants to spend more time with her. It's not fair for him to make you feel like he can't spend time with her as if that time HAS to be spent in the living room on a Friday night...

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