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Eek...need some advice from those who have teens....

(13 Posts)
Jac01 Mon 08-Jun-15 01:40:17

So just about my worst fears happened today. Dsd has been phone/internet restrictions due to the amount of time spent on her phone, agreed by all. But we have been monitoring the usage as she's already had 2 strikes. This last week all has been going well, she's finally stopped spending all evening texting/messaging/facetiming....and then in a way too complicated to explain led us to find out she's been having some serious sexual activity (not intercourse) with her first ever boyfriend of 4 weeks...she's 13, about to turn 14, he's 14

My DH has informed her mum and he's going over to talk to her after school tomorrow, mum doesn't know what to say at the moment. He's also informed the boys mum who is horrified and has spoken with him, seems like she's genuinely shocked and he's full of apologies. His mum was upset they're allowed to be alone in dsd's bedroom at her mums and has told him he's not aloud in there anymore, not condoning his part in this but she does seem to have a good relationship with him and was as shocked as us

We've had all the chats and I really wasn't expecting this, she's a great kid, I love her more than anything, but I fear she's being a bit of a sheep and is doing this stuff because a couple of her friends have. DH is going mad and wanted to have a 'word' with the boy, calmed down eventually to let his mum manage him. As much as I'm not this boys biggest fan at the moment after going through messages and Internet as sad as I am to say, it doesn't seem like he was pressuring her in any way, more that she was asking him to do 'stuff' after her friends told her they had with there boyfriends

We've been together since she was a toddler and I adore her, I'm just in shock and I don't know what to say at the weekend. Tomorrow is up to her mum and dad but we've always had such an good relationship I think we should talk about it, but what do I say, or should I say anything at all? This isn't the first time she's followed friends in what they do, but never like this. (Btw, at the moment all parties have a good relationship, mum has a partner and all are involved in decisions without any animosity in case people think I'm going to annoy mum or interfere)

Plus DH wants to tell her who she should be friends with, as much as I've love to do this under the circumstances, is this realistic? I'm unsure how we can tell her not to be friends with certain girls when she goes to school with them and doesn't have other close friends? Won't this just make her miserable and more likely to act out...I don't know...

Sorry if this doesn't make the best of sense, I'm really worried/stressed and want to get her through this. Plus as a side note its me who found out first so had to break the bad news to her dad, like I've had to do about other major shite now on other occasions...I had to tell him but hate being the one to do so....

Jac01 Mon 08-Jun-15 02:27:10

Think I did this wrong and posted the main context to myself...hope someone still reads this though sad

StupidBloodyKindle Mon 08-Jun-15 02:43:46

Have read with interest as I have a 13 year old.
But....big but...the age of consent here in Germany IS fourteen.
In a lot of countries it is 14, in a couple 13. None of which helps you, I know.
Going back three decades in the UK though, I knew girls of that age who were active. I was certainly no angel at 15. Some girls do mature more than others. I do not have regrets or in hindsight think I was too young for x, y, z. But had known first btw for a while, and did not sleep with him until had been going out for a year.
You have an established rapport with dsd. I really would let mum deal with it though and try to steer your DH from going in too hard. She will close up if he tries to dictate to her or discusses it.
She needs to stay safe from unwanted pregnancy, stds, images of her on the internet, but making bf or her friends forbidden fruit will lead to secrets and lies. Also be aware you may be held as responsible as the 'messenger' so she might vent at you if not embarrassed. I do hope you found out by fluke rather than invasion of privacy, if fb/instagram/emails were hacked under the guise of monitoring then she will be fuming.

StupidBloodyKindle Mon 08-Jun-15 02:55:16

Oh, and telling her who she can be friends with, I doubt will work I'm afraid. It's unrealistic, impractical and unenforcable unless you are going to ground her for the rest of her life (so, so tempting!) wink or give her an ankle tag. The boy's mum being cross at her son being alone in dsd's room is a divert/distract btw, let's face it, they would have found somewhere. But by mentioning that specifically, it passes the buck somewhat as it happened on dsd's mum's watch/makes the other mum accountable for the opportunity when she was giving them trust and privacy.

Jac01 Mon 08-Jun-15 03:09:05

Hi thanks for your response, this wasn't some invasion of privacy, she knew we were monitoring her accounts after an unfortunate incident where she was skyping a 17 year old in the U.S....it's a long complicated story! A friend sent her a message which said her boyfriend had said they'd done certain things....she's 13, her accounts being monitored under the circumstances she was aware of, which is probably why she was careful in what she said herself

She's also not the type of child to kick off, I think she's probably mortified and embarrassed, like I said this is her first boyfriend ever, she's very naive and otherwise an absolutely wonderful kid. She isn't very mature and this isn't a long standing relationship

I'm just more worried that DH and mum will deal with the discipline side but if I don't say anything no one will deal with the emotional side, otherwise I'd stay out of it, I want her to be ok...I'm not trying to hurt her more, I just want to know what's best to say or not to say

Wdigin2this Mon 08-Jun-15 09:39:39

Call me old fashioned (and I am) but at 13 & 14 what is her DM thinking of, allowing them to go up to her room together? I know kids will find places to experiment, but to facilitate it is asking for trouble! I agree with you OP, she's probably feeling pressurised to conform with what she thinks her school friends are doing, but kids of this age notoriously boast about imagined sexual activity! I think you have to leave it to her parents to deal with, but continue to encourage your DH to keep calm, and be careful in how he deals with it....he is understandably raging, but we all know that won't help, and he cannot choose her friends!

Melonfool Mon 08-Jun-15 13:49:00

As a sm I err on the side of talking about safety and self esteem. I have DSS so my chats are about not taking porn to be realistic and respecting people.

I would tend not to discipline, I'd be there when his father did that so we both knew what was said and I'd chip in.

I try to go for a big sister or trusted auntie type vibe.

She has to be allowed to do as she wishes, if no intercourse then they've not really done anything wrong. The job of the parent is to keep them safe I think.

On that though, we agreed a year or so ago no girls in bedroom on their own, bedroom door always open if any friends round. Doesn't help us much as he's on the top floor but we can at least hear stuff.

Melonfool Mon 08-Jun-15 13:53:05

Who cares is a 13yo is "fuming" at have emails "hacked" (?) as monitoring? My view on that is they are using my network, devices we have given them and other facilities we provide. As the adults we are responsible for their safety - dss has never been under any illusion that he has any sort of right to privacy of those devices. And we recently found hard core porn videos on his phone so I think we're right in keeping an eye on what he does!

Whereisegg Mon 08-Jun-15 15:02:03

How well do you get on with DSD?
If mum and dad are going to go in all guns blazing, can you offer to be 'good cop'?

She really needs someone to empathize IMO, someone that she can ask advice from regarding peer pressure, boyfriends, even contraception.
If she withdraws from her parents after a lecture and they tell you what they would want her to do (ideally talk to them obviously, but a telling off may not endear her to that), you can advise her through them.

enderwoman Wed 10-Jun-15 19:55:02

I have a son the same age and he's not interested in sex yet but I've had to talk to him about not succumbing to peer pressure with regards to drugs (weed) and shoplifting which has been happening amongst his years.

I would leave the discipline to the parents but chat about your experience with peer pressure or use a movie as a starting point as so many teen movies have it as a theme.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 10-Jun-15 22:37:03

The room boundary needs to be front and centre of any welcome to our home message.

We missed this and ended up with a bf who we knew was in or out of the house by the presence of his shoes only.

I'm not sure how life changed from 'say hello to my mum and dad' to 'I'm in a relationship don't spy on me' but I sort of blame the 'I'd rather they were shagging under my roof' brigade.

I personally think your kids should understand what introducing a friend either boys/girl friend into your home means. And that's become part of the social fabric of the family and then you can move on.

Start with a view it won't last than one its forever and your viewpoint changes.

Jac01 Thu 11-Jun-15 02:57:02

Thanks for your responses, some I agree with, some I'm sorry I just can't

The monitoring of internet and phone restrictions will continue and she is aware of it, she's a good kid but is very naive, this is her first boyfriend and its gone to fast, between all sets of parents and kids involved they seem to understand this, hopefully this has stopped for the moment anything more serious happening

The last thing bugging me is her mum's mum, who has told her to cover her tracks better and use code words so her dad doesn't know what she's up to, and making jokes about has she enjoyed 'sausage'. We've had a strained relationship with her in the past, I've always tried to be friendly, but honestly I'm at a loss!

Melonfool Thu 11-Jun-15 10:17:15

Tell her the woman is going batty - she sounds it!

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