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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

He's an idiot

16 replies

chaos1234 · 01/06/2015 02:19

So my partner has spent the last 6 months trying to convince his 9 yo daughter into coming to live with us with things like daddy will buy you a pony if you come live here lol ( wrong wrong wrong ) anyway the holidays are coming up and believe it or not the ex has made other plans for the 9 yo so she can't come , she has got wind of his plans via all his kids and is scared he won't send her back , every single holidays there is some sort of drama to get his girls here , iv been living with him for 4 years now and they still haven't managed to sort out easy arrangements , it's so bloody annoying I'm really starting to wonder if the dramas is what he wants as a strange way of still being in each others life ? IV mentioned a few times that court orders should be in place to stop the crap and he won't have a bar of that he also has issues paying child support through CSA , he does pay for all the girls flight , school fees and other things they need but refuses to put it through child support so his debt gets higher and higher and I'm really scarred as to what the amount will be after another 9 years or so of not paying through the CSA will be ? As I said maybe he likes the dramas ?

OP posts:

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HirplesWithHaggis · 01/06/2015 02:24

I honestly don't mean to be nasty, but why are you still with him? Please say you don't have dc with him...

chaos1234 · 01/06/2015 02:53

I ask myself that question sometimes Hirples lol and no I don't have kids with him I have 3 lovely boys of my own which holiday arrangements are simple and pain free

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 01/06/2015 03:07

I'm sorry, but it really isn't a "lol"ing matter. He refuses to pay for their day to day care and can't sort out holiday arrangements because the ex is scared he won't send them back. (Where would that leave you, btw, regarding childcare? Would he be doing/paying for it, or expect you to pick up the slack?)

So that leaves the "why are you still with him" question open, esp as you have sorted matters well with your own ex.

chaos1234 · 01/06/2015 03:41

He pays above what he needs to for his daughters he just refuses to pay it through the CSA( it goes into his other daughters bank account ) which is getting him deeper and deeper in debt as for the holiday arrangements i know it's shit that's why iv pushed for court orders TBH their both as fucked in the head as each other when it comes to the holiday arrangements typical case of using kids to get at each other which is why I'm thinking is it some sort of demented way of staying in each others life ?

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 01/06/2015 04:00

Well, it's certainly one way for him to try to control whats going on in his ex's life. Yet again, why are you still with him? What positives does he bring to your life?

chaos1234 · 01/06/2015 04:20

Not many lately TBH : (

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 01/06/2015 04:36

I'm so sorry. Genuinely. This isn't a step-parenting issue, it's an LTB one. How does he treat you, and your dc?

It's fairly standard for an abuser to paint his ex as irrational etc, do you have any direct contact with her? Do you know her at all?

chaos1234 · 01/06/2015 05:30

Its a way for them to control each other , why when Your divorced would you want to have control over each other ? She isn't beyond making arrangements for him to book and pay for flights for the girls only to change plans at the last minute then bingo no girls on the plane !! Her way of controlling him ?

The only contact iv had with her is all bad , abuse in every form and manner so her being painted as a cow is 100 % correct I'm afraid

OP posts:

lunar1 · 01/06/2015 09:08

Maintenance gets paid to the other parent, and should not go through another relative. That is financial abuse and manipulation.

There would be no way in hell I would put my boys on a plane if I thought there was even a slight chance they would not be sent back. I'm struggling rose what the ex has done wrong here.

AmyElliotDunne · 01/06/2015 09:19

Well he's not paying what he needs to if it's going into his daughters' bank account, the maintenance he should be paying is for the parent to use on day to day living expenses, not for the DD to save up for a pony rainy day. Whatever he is paying is irrelevant if it's not going to the mum and I hope that he does get stung for it.

hoobygalooby · 01/06/2015 12:01

I agree with Hirples and fail to see why you would be with a man like this.
If I thought for one minute my ex was trying to persuade my dc to live with him behind my back there is no way in the world I would put them on a plane to him.
It's emotional blackmail and manipulation of innocent children and wrong on every level.
As for the payments - this too is manipulating. He is paying it into his dds account to have a dig at his ex wife.
But after so many years of this he isn't likely to change now so you have to decide if you can detach and let him and his ex get on with it (and screw their poor kids up) while you concentrate on your own boys or if not you should make plans to LTB

Sanityseeker75 · 01/06/2015 12:29

Does he not realise that despite money being paid into his daughters account his ex could still go to CSA and the he would have to back pay for the time he has being doing this?

I can't believe this is genuine - nobody in their right mind would be complicit in bribery and emotional manipulation of a child if they have kids. You let this man around your own children???

fedupbutfine · 01/06/2015 13:22

why would you stand by a man who is actively trying to screw with his daughter's mind? seriously?

And there is no way on earth my children would be getting on a plane when my ex was playing the 'I'll give you a pony if you stay' game. Not a bloody chance.

I suspect they are not 'as bad as each other'. I suspect the ex reacts to this kind of crap. It takes one parent to put a stop to it - just one. He doesn't have to play the games, even if she insists. You can't play it one-sided. It's just not fun. Is he willing to do what's best for his children? If not (and I suspect not), why would you expose your children to him on a daily basis?

Way, way too many women stand by men who play these games. You're really no matter - you even seem to think it's funny. It's really, really not.

WhoNickedMyName · 01/06/2015 13:30

he's an emotionally abusive fuckwit who's still abusing his ex and emotionally messing up all his kids.

I hope you don't allow him anywhere near your own children?

rosepetalsoup · 01/06/2015 14:16

Like the other posters, I too would dump this man. Don't waste your time, OP.

LineRunner · 01/06/2015 14:28

So he's 'fucked in the head'? Do you need to talk about making sense of why you are with him? It might be helpful.

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