Lack of blended family time

[MsColouring]

So Christmas holidays have come and out of 16 days we have a total of 4 days when all five of us (me, dp, my ds(4), dd(8) and dss(8) are together as a family. One of them was yesterday when dss's mum insisted on picking him up at 3.45 so wasn't even a complete day.

This seems to be what constantly happens and is such as shame as all the children get on really well.

We supposedly have dss half the time which is Tuesday nights, Thursday nights and every other weekend but dss's mum insists that she has him back on Sundays as this is 'family time'. Tuesdays were meant to change to Wednesdays this term as dd and dss swam up from Beavers into cubs which is on a Wednesday but dss decided (I suspect with a little encouragement from him mum) that he didn't want to do cubs and so he still comes to us on a Tuesday The kids hardly see each other that day because my dc are with my parents after school as it's my long day and then dp is out working in the evening.

Holidays, dp's ex always tries to arrange really far in advance around her families arrangements before I have had chance to sort things out with my (very difficult) ex. The holiday arrangements always become very bitty as to when we have dss as his mum doesn't like to be away from him for too long. My kids usually spend a block of time with their dad.

So, during term time, we get to spend time together as a blended family on a Thursday teatime and every other Saturday and then a few scattered days in the holidays.

I am finding my relationship with dss quite hard at the moment. He made a comment recently about feeling all alone when he dad was out which made me feel like I am doing something wrong. I have little tolerance for some of his behaviours (whinging when we are going out, bad table manners etc.) but I do feel his behaviour improves (or he understands out boundaries more) when he is with us for any longer period of time. DP constantly worries about losing him.

The other thing I feel is that whenever we try and make anything our family 'thing', dss's mum seems to get in the way of it e.g. kids got Minecraft here on their tablets, his mum gets it for him on the PC so he's constantly showing off he can do more, we started reading Harry Potter to the two older children together in the summer when we were on holiday - she decides to read dss the next one despite us having said we would read the next one together, the cubs thing (I probably would have tried to get dd into Brownies if we'd known dss wasn't going to do cubs). These things sound really petty but I feel it makes it harder to 'blend' us all together.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Do you have any suggestions for coping strategies etc. I just feel like a wicked stepmother who is constantly telling him off at the moment.

[Letitgoletitgo]

No coping strategies I'm afraid but just wanted to share sympathy with you. DP and I have 3 dcs between us although none together, and access arrangements were set up with exes before we were together, so us being a blended family has consideration :0( x