I need some help regarding my stepdaughter

[whirlwinds]

Hi everyone,

My situation is terrible and I am being torn apart inside. I have step-children, all over the age of 12 and my son who is aged 3. The child I wish to talk about is the one that is 12. She is the one I have the toughest time with and honestly I have come to a point where I wonder if I should open Pandora's box and tell my dh about some very serious verbal abuse towards our son. I caught her making a repetitive threat to him: I am going(!) to kill you. My problem is this though, out of all of the children we have she is the only one who can't do wrong in his eyes. He has her on a pedestal and will instantly defend her when I catch her in wrongdoings that have been far less serious then this (sabotage, theft). He doesn't defend the other kids, he will listen to me if I catch them doing something then and take things from there. I will need to add that while she said these words I was originally in the kitchen cleaning and their father was outside the house. I had only just walked to the front room when I heard what it was she was saying and how she said it. The hate in her voice, the venom was intense and I believed every word she let out of her mouth. She managed to tell him this 3 times before she heard me coming. I had to make a choice there, make matters worse for my son by backing her up that what she had said was dangerous, despicable and you name it, it all fits the horror of what she threatened him with or quietly tell their father that she had said the kill word to our son and that he was to advice her not to do so. I chose to let their father talk with her about words she is not allowed to use around our son, but I didn't tell him what she had said to him. I then talked with my son, who asked me questions if he was to be killed. I denied that he was to be killed along with myself, daddy and the remaining siblings except for the 12 year old. He didn't ask for her, but he did looked relaxed and happy after this so I probably did the right thing in regards to him. But I didn't do the right thing keeping this information away from my dh, and not making her take responsibility for what she had done to him. Looking at a frightened 3 year asking Kill me? is absolutely heartbreaking. But I am at a loss, because I know this will create hell, but I do not trust her around my son any more and.. I am in hell no matter what I do. Keep quiet and watch her like a hawk or tell him not knowing what he will do. Help!

[cathpip]

You have a duty to protect your son, and I understand the dilemma that you face but you need to stand up and in no uncertain terms tell your dh that you will not accept this behaviour and he had better deal with his dd appropriately instead of putting her on a pedestal. I would certainly not be happy about my dss speaking to my small dc in this manner in my house, I would be going ballistic.....

[Hassled]

You do need to talk to your DH about this.

So the 12 year old was the baby for 9 years before your DS came along? That's exactly the same as it was for my DD, when DS2 arrived. She found it incredibly difficult for a long time, although they get on well now (both much older - she's an adult now). It is a hell of an adjustment for a child to make. Obviously she can't be allowed to say what she did - but you and your DH need to think about why she's so jealous, and see how you can reassure her that while she's not the baby anymore, she's still much loved and wanted. Build up her self-esteem and the issues with your DS will start to resolve.

[ArsenicStew]

I have come to a point where I wonder if I should open Pandora's box and tell my dh about some very serious verbal abuse towards our son. I caught her making a repetitive threat to him: I am going(!) to kill you.

Of course you must. How can you keep it a secret? Why would you?

As Hassled says, its a fairly normal sibling issue, but both adults need to deal.

[whirlwinds]

Thank you for your responses and I have taken in what you all have said. I will have a talk with him as I feel within myself that I shouldn't carry this on my own, it is his daughter and our son so we will need to work through this somehow. Think I will take this conversation before another visit from SD (after Christmas) so that the 3 of us can talk things through together if possible. She is loved, I have been there for her through thick and thin and didn't see this coming in all honesty as she can live with us if she chooses to and is with us quite often. She is always included and counted in on events, holidays and birthdays, I have taken her on trips without her father taking her places for the weekend and done everything to ensure that she is a proper part of the family. She has more often then not been the one we all have prioritized due to her being the baby for so long to help her feel safe and secure. This has been a massive help! :)

[AddictedtoGreys]

honestly? if it was my DSD I would have taken my Ds out of the room, then gone back in and told her exactly what I thought.I would have definitely told my dh about what she said. and i wouldn't trust her around him either.

[Smileybutstressed]

I'm sorry but at 12 YO she is old enough to know that telling a 3 YO child she want to kill them is wrong !!

Your DP probably babies her because she has been the 'baby' of the family for so long. The fact that she's a girl and probably has the whole daddy's girl thing going on wont help.

Your poor DS. And poor you!!

[AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons]

Why are you putting your son in this horrible position?