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Feeling so down about dsd at the moment :(

(26 Posts)
needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 20:11:52

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KittyandTeal Fri 28-Nov-14 20:19:34

Sounds like you need a proper consequences system in place. Introduced by dad and enforced by both of you.

For example a warning for each thing she does wrong, 3 warnings and she looses something.

Plus possibly a rewards system too if you think that would work.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 20:31:38

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latorgator Fri 28-Nov-14 20:42:35

I would be driving round there and fetching her back!

wheresthelight Fri 28-Nov-14 20:51:34

I agree that consequences are needed! my dsc's have never had them from either dp or their mum so me insisting on it was a culture shock (am not having dd who is their sister having different rules in the same house) it has taken a year with dsd who's 9 and still a work in progress but with dss who is now 11 it took about 6 months although it did take his Birthday party being cancelled before it hit home

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 20:55:27

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needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 21:07:50

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needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 21:08:38

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RandomMess Fri 28-Nov-14 21:15:45

Does she have younger siblings at her Mum's house too? I wonder if in part it's bad behaviour to get attention, even if it's getting told off?

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 21:24:47

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RandomMess Fri 28-Nov-14 21:31:52

Because she's feeling usurped, she has siblings that live with their Mum & Dad together and she doesn't, perhaps she doesn't feel like she belongs in the same way.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 21:42:45

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RandomMess Fri 28-Nov-14 21:47:02

Yes it does.

Does she get one to one time with her Dad? When there is a larger age gap I do think it can be very important. Also be careful it doesn't become a vicious circle of bad behaviour is the only attention she gets.

I've not answers but these situations can escalate very quickly.

A family discussion of suggesting and agreeing to house rules could be a way forward and also consequences for non-compliance. That would be for the adults too though!

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Nov-14 21:52:50

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caravanista13 Fri 28-Nov-14 22:16:26

Sad that there seems to be an awful lot of 'telling' and 'demanding' and talk of sanctions - perhaps a warmer gentler approach would be more effective?

StardustBikini Sat 29-Nov-14 09:11:02

The natural consequence of a stepchild refusing to acknowledge the authority of a stepparent should be that they are not left in the sole care of that stepparent. It's a simple matter of the child's safety.

It usually inconveniences the parent, as well - who will then, hopefully, be more motivated to do something about it.

Monathevampire1 Sat 29-Nov-14 09:21:15

I have some sympathy for your DSD as a nine year old the one and three year olds must be a bit boring.

That said her father needs to deal with this, his mother has to stop under mining and overnights need to stop until this happens. He may also need to stop leaving her with you until this behaviour stops. Tough times ahead but this behaviour needs to be changed.

wheresthelight Sat 29-Nov-14 09:22:01

it was a difficult decision but absolutely nothing else had worked! we had stopped overnights with their grandad, no treats, no screen time, no trips out etc and it had absolutely no effect whatsoever. stopping his birthday party really hit home though because his mum has never let him have friends over, it's always been a family affair. he was devastated. BUT, it was the only thing that had any impact and I have to say he has been a totally different kid since. he now sets the table/clears away without being asked, he speaks to me, he walks the dog without being asked, tidies up after dd and is just genuinely lovely to be around!!

he has developed a preteen gob every so often but that is no where near as bad as before!!

dp tried to work with his ex but unfortunately her answer is always to shrug and say "he's just a kid" so it was useless!!

if your dp has a good relationship with his ex and she is having issues too then working together will be a good thing but the consequences need to be things that really matter to her, I have definitely found that after about 8 taking away favourite toys has no impact. mum needs to back up on no screen time and removing her from social activities that she enjoys, no friends over, no going to friends etc until she changes her ways. it's not easy but if it doesn't alter now you will have hell when she is 16!

RandomMess Sun 30-Nov-14 10:46:17

I've been mulling on this. I still very occasionally needed to use time out/reflection room at this age. It worked very well because it was the same consequence as the little ones got for unacceptable behaviour. They were mortified to be treated like a little kid again.

The 9 minutes reflecting on their behaviour with a GENUINE apology did help though. It would be a "That attitude is not acceptable you wouldn't speak to a teacher at school like that so don't with me - time out" Our time out space was the porch. You can of course pre-warn that this will be the consequence for unacceptable behaviour including attitude.

Often a warning of "do you need to go and think about how you are talking to me" was enough for them to realise that they were slipping into being unacceptable rude. I do think though a certain level of "attitude" is part of growing up and there needs to be lots of discussion about how to express oneself without being like that.

I found the "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" very helpful and I must go and buy the teen version now they are older!!! A very apt chapter in that book is about children learning to process conflicting feelings and verbalising them. They need to be allowed to say how much the hate/resent their annoying siblings because guess what you can hate & love them in equal measures!

RandomMess Sun 30-Nov-14 10:49:12

I do think your in-laws are part of the problem though, I think they need to be limited in their influence as it sounds very unhealthy. Dsd can behave how she wants and the grandparents support & dote on her, talk about rewarding bad behaviour.

It's also okay to tell children that their behaviour has hurt peoples feelings, otherwise how do they learn life skills.

StardustBikini Sun 30-Nov-14 10:58:44

The 9 minutes reflecting on their behaviour with a GENUINE apology did help though. It would be a "That attitude is not acceptable you wouldn't speak to a teacher at school like that so don't with me - time out" Our time out space was the porch. You can of course pre-warn that this will be the consequence for unacceptable behaviour including attitude.

That type of consequence in a NRP home is only possible if the RP is 100% supportive, though.
Many RP would willingly facilitate a 9 year olds refusal of contact if the DC was asserting that they were going to be "shut in the porch" for misbehaving.

A lot of the poor behaviour and disrespect stepmums experience when their DCs become pre-teens and older cannot be addressed by the NRP in the same way as it would be in a together family.

How many parents have been faced with their DC threatening to "run away" when they have been disciplined? When it is the NRP implementing that, the DC can actually follow through on that desire. It takes a strong, confident NRP to accept that by parenting their DC effectively, they may no longer have ant contact.

RandomMess Sun 30-Nov-14 11:11:50

Well I suppose I have experienced that, my eldest went to live with her dad for 4 years because she got the spousification experience!!!!

Interestingly at 17 she asked to move back...

She now can see that her Dad's parenting style has caused her issues and wasn't appropriate.

needaholidaynow Sun 30-Nov-14 13:53:43

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Coffeeinapapercup Sun 30-Nov-14 19:21:06

I'm a RP but I think you need a marble jar. A marble gets added everyday, marbles get also get added to the jar for good behaviour, good work, doing homework without complaint, putting washing away, tidying room etc. (mine also get a marble added whilst they are with their NRP) Marbles get removed for bad behaviour.

Marbles get exchanged for pocket money (in our case each marble is worth 50p) but also work well exchanged for half an hour of screen time.

In you case it allows for a very hands off form of discipline, you don't have to get a child into time out, you give a warning and then if the child continues you remove a marble. or you count to five if you get to five you remove a marble. You don't have to engage in the minutia of the strop.

If toys being "stolen" marbles could be removed to match the cost of the toys.

It can feel like it takes a while to work you hear a lot of "i don't care it's only a marble". but it works really well especially if you can start on small £1 £2 rewards and siblings are earning marbles too. I thought we'd never get there with DD but it is the only thing that works for her.

Find a few places that as a group you can get out to together somewhere that you can walk/bike/scoot/ take a buggy. nothing kills a relationship between a child and whoever is caring for themas much as not having fun together.

Coffeeinapapercup Sun 30-Nov-14 19:27:37

also marble or pasta jars are often used at school so it can give a comforting sense of continuity when so much else around a child changes on such a regular basis

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