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How do you answer the question - "Who do you love the most?"

(12 Posts)
Parasites Fri 21-Nov-14 17:41:56

Ds is 4, partners kids 3&6.
Me and partner been together a year and over the past 6 mths have started to do more with the kids together. We don't live together.

DS has felt threatened by the affection and care I have shown the girls. Eg when I say one of their pictures is beautiful or similar he will immediately want to know if I like his too. If one of them comes to me for a cuddle and he notices he will suddenly come over too. He's told me he doesn't want to share me and has cried to me that he thinks I love them more and think the things they do are better and I have reassured him of my love for him. I realised in trying to make them feel comfortable I had probably overcompensated. I have since tried in lots of everyday ways to reassure him of how much I love him.

At the same time the eldest of my partners daughters will often ask me "do you think we are lovely?" If she hears me say to ds that he's lovely. I think she is also looking for reassurance and finding her feet in the "family" she has found herself in. When she's heard me say "I love you" to ds she's asked if I love her and her sister too and I've said "I love all my friends and you and x are very special friends so yes I do love you".... I guess the first time she asked me I didn't want to come on too strong! Since then we often say "love you" at night time etc.

Anyway - this morning at breakfast she asked again "do you love me and my sister" and I said yes and then ds said "but she loves me more because I'm her son" to which she asked me "you love us all equally don't you".... I had three pairs of little eyes on me and didn't know what on earth to say so I just said "I love you all" and then dp kind of rescued me with a "finish your breakfast kids" comment... Anyway it made me think... How do you reassure your kids and step kids they are loved. I was going to tell them that sometimes people love eachother differently but didn't know if that would make it worse! Sorry for the lengthy post! Any advice appreciated

HonestLie Fri 21-Nov-14 18:34:57

I honestly think you would just stick with I love you all. They both sound like they are a bit insecure which is understandable and I think that a "loving people differently" chat wouldn't end well.

StillLifewithGin Fri 21-Nov-14 18:38:09

I think you are doing brilliantly

HolgerDanske Fri 21-Nov-14 18:40:53

You're doing brilliantly,

When my girls were little I used to say, love isn't like a pizza where there are only so many pieces to share between everyone. Love is like the ocean and it never runs out. I love each of you as much as it is possible to love someone.

Parasites Fri 21-Nov-14 18:56:39

I like the ocean thing... I told them this morning that when more special people come into your life you get more love to give but they were very insistent about "who do you love most?"..... I know it might sound silly but I don't want ds to feel his "specialness" is compromised sad

cocktailshakerr Fri 21-Nov-14 18:57:16

I think it's fine to explain that we love different people in different ways, they will love their parents in a different way than they love you or their friends etc, I'm sure they'll understand that. You can explain that you have a special love for your DS as you carried him in your tummy for 9 months and looked after him from being a baby, so you always have a special kind of love between a mummy and a child.

HolgerDanske Fri 21-Nov-14 19:04:05

Presumably the girls have a mum who is involved in their lives? If so, I think it's fine to explain that she is their mum and you are his mum, and that means you do love him differently, the way their mum loves them. Just tell him that you like the girls very much and care for them, but it doesn't take away from your special love for him.

needaholidaynow Fri 21-Nov-14 19:21:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quirkycutekitch Fri 21-Nov-14 19:29:35

You sound lovely & sensitive OP - I hope my ex's new partner is as thoughtful as you!

Parasites Fri 21-Nov-14 19:29:40

Yeah they have a mum who they live with most of the time so maybe that is the way to go...

Parasites Fri 21-Nov-14 19:31:06

Thanks quirky! It's a minefield isn't it... Just trying to do my best with all the little emotions all over the place!

cocktailshakerr Fri 21-Nov-14 20:49:52

I think it sounds like the children are just trying to establish where everybody fits in to this new arrangement, and how all these new relationships work.
I'm sure in a few months they'll just all 'get it' and they will probably stop looking for this reassurance.
I'd make sure that your DS has no doubts of your love for him. I love putting my DS to bed and we spend a good few minutes every night telling each other how much we love each other ''up to the end of the universe until you think you can't go any further, but then you just carry on and then come all the way back again....yeah that's how much I love you'' they love all that. He loves hearing about when he was first born and how I instantly loved him more than I knew it was ever possible to love anybody.

Never for a minute do a want my child to have the tiniest doubt about my love them.

It's great for your DSD's to know that you love them too but they don't need to know the depth of your love for them the way that your own DS does. They have their own Mum who will give them the special love a mummy gives.
You also don't want to be accused of over stepping boundaries. There's a fine line that's almost impossible to tread perfectly in the world of step parenting. One minute we should treat DSC as our own, the next minute we're over stepping boundaries lol.

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