Pocket money

[yoyo27]

In an argument yesterday with my DP he said "well (son and daughter) don't get pocket money and your kids do".

My response was that mine get pocket money because they earn it during the week. They make their beds every day, keep their rooms tidy, get themselves ready for school without fuss, help with dinner, do chores etc etc. his two aren't here during the week. Hardly fair that I would give them pocket money for two days, and when we ask for someone to help with something they never help (that's not a problem, just saying). If their mum doesn't give them pocket money then that is her choice. If DP wants to give them pocket money then that's his choice. But I'm not going to!

Am I wrong? My eldest (10) gets £2 a week, 8 year old £1.50 and 7 and 5 year old get £1 x

[purpleroses]

If they live mainly with their mum then she should be giving them pocket money. Are you sure she's not? My youngest DSS doesn't always remember to bring money with him at the weekend and has been known to claim not to have any. When DP asked his ex about it it turned out DSS had plenty money. He just preferred us to pay for everything!

Of their mum really isn't giving them any or won't let them bring it to yours then I think you may need to give them a little if there are occasions when yours are, say, buying themselves some sweets and the DSC are with you too. I don't think you can say " well you didn't do chores (that you weren't asked to do) when you weren't here so no sweets"

[lunar1]

Why doesn't he give them pocket money if he wants them to have some?

[alita7]

I agree with you, it's for chores which his kids haven't done and it's hardly a huge amount of money anyway. If theyd been really helpful when they were at yours I'd rethink but they aren't earning it. If it comes to it I would show him why by making a sticker chart and anyone who gets enough stickers gets their allotted amount of pocket money. His kids would have a reduced amount of stickers to get for a smaller amount of money due to being their less.

His ex may or may not give them pocket money but it's not fair if yours only get them at 1 place and his gets it as two!

[supermariossister]

i dont really do pocket money ds gets money off his great grandad on a Sunday say about 2 pound. if we are all going somewhere or one of them is that they need money then I'll give them x amount but it isn't a set thing. if dp wants them to have pocket money then it's up to him to pay for it.

[yoyo27]

That's what I said, that if he wants them to have it then that is his call! They don't go without, they all get treated to stuff. Mine aren't allowed to spend it on sweets etc as I prefer them to spend it on something 'proper' and they can save up if they want (my eldest once saved up for a pair of boots she wanted....only £12 boots but she was so chuffed she had done it!) and I buy them sweets on occasion. And in the holidays they don't get pocket money as they tend to all get treated to other stuff anyway and days out etc.

[ashtrayheart]

I don't think dsd gets pocket money but her mum gives her money when she wants needs it. We still give her the same amount as my older children, the youngest two (ours together) don't get any yet.

[brdgrl]

Well, I don't think the kids should get two lots of pocket money just because they've two homes. And there's potential for that if your DH starts giving them pocket money.

I assume that making an agreement with his ex regarding pocket money (how much, what they have to do for it, who pays it...) is out of the question, or you wouldn't have a problem in the first place.

Seems to me the only option is to give the DSC an opportunity to earn some spending money, which then is what they are expected to use for treats etc when with you (or yes, save).

My DSC (and DD, soon) have gotten pocket money in two 'parts' and it has worked better for us than other ideas. The first part they got every week, no strings attached, and we tried to make it an amount that meant they could get through the week without having to ask us for money, but with no bells and whistles, IYSWIM. This included what they'd need for bus fare and a snack from the canteen in the morning, that kind of thing. The second part they got only if they did their assigned jobs properly (we didn't pay per job, though - too messy and wrong message, we agreed - just a lump sum based on doing all jobs). This amount was pretty generous, and meant that they could go out with friends, or save for something they wanted, or buy things for themselves. We only paid for 'essentials' (loosely defined!).

Would some variation on that work for you? You could divide your own kids' amount into the two parts, and then the DSC could be 'eligible' to earn an equal second part by doing jobs. (and yes, your DH should pay it!) That way the DSC are both expected to contribute, and allowed to earn. While still recognizing that the resident kids don't have a second line of potential income. I'd rename things, honestly - maybe call the first part 'housekeeping' money or something.

[yoyo27]

Yes that sounds like potentially a good idea. I will definitely put it to him.

I wish things were more simple!!! I never realised that being a step family would come with so many 'things', despite being a step child myself. But when I was a kid what my mum said was final, including where my step-siblings were concerned!

[Malificentmaud]

If you don't work, you don't get money. Simple.

However, as Brdgirl has worked out, kids do need money so a small amount to cover things they really need is a good idea. If their mum gives them that already, I would say anything over and above they need to earn. Same as your children. Why should they get money when they do less???

Saying that, my dd get a tiny fraction of pocket money that she does chores for, and my dsd gets tons for doing naff all. That is why we keep our funds separate.

[yoyo27]

Our funds are separate too.

DSCs literally don't want for anything. They turn up each week with new clothes, got tonnes of stuff at home. They get loads of birthday money which they keep and spend when they want to

[purpleroses]

Keeping your finances separate may work well for you. But you kind of do need to make joint decisions with your DP over what to do about things like pocket money. If DCs are living in the same household (even part-time) it causes a lot of friction if some have more than others to spend.

[Malificentmaud]

Not in our house. It helps that there is a seven year age gap between the kids. Dd asked me why dsd gets more, I said dsd had different parents and that dd got the short straw in regards to pocket money but that she'll thank me in the long run. She was cool with it, she's not materialistic. She'd rather have a cuddle than a fiver. Dsd would murder her own grandmother for a fee

[yoyo27]

Haha that sounds about right!!!! Mine are the same x

[Martorana]

"She'd rather have a cuddle than a fiver"

Mine would go for both........

[HerRoyalNotness]

Gosh he's a bit cheeky isn't he? Your DP, his kids, he pays!

We do give SD pocket money, as her SF and DM were whinging about it. Have no clue if they give her any or not. We decided that we would give her half of what we'd give ours. So 1 quid per week for each year of age. Then if her DM wants to do the same her end (50/50 and all that), that would be up to them.

[purpleroses]

I guess you can get away with different approaches if they're very different ages. Ours are similar ages (their steps not half-siblings)

[alita7]

None of ours get any, dsd who lives with us doesn't go out alone and I take her shopping every so often to get some small bits then. The two that don't live here get treated when they come eow and spend a lot more money than I'd like (as dp doesn't go without to make up for it, I end up cutting back things for me and dsd) on trips out and food, and that's even with dps parents paying for a lot when they come with us places.

[yoyo27]

If we did a £ per year for each child (not the younger two but my DCs and DSCs it would come to £50 a week!!! Hahahahahahahaha nooooooo

[Pregnantberry]

For us, only DSS's mum gives him pocket money (£1 per week- he is 7, but he does get other bits bought for him by various people as well) and if he is staying with us for a longer period of time (like, stopping for half term) he will usually bat his eyelids at one of us in a shop to get something of equivalent value since he is missing his pocket money.

I think it works nicely this way. I wouldn't want my own DC to get two sets of pocket money if me and OH split, it works so well in practice the way he and DSS's mum cooperate on things like that for DSS. I know not everyone has a workable relationship with their ex though so obviously it's not always that easy.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Mine (11 & 8) get 10p per year from me (which I pay by standing order into their accounts each Fri - they have a cash card, but would have to go into town to access)
They also get some from their dad (I am pretty sure the same amount, but cash I think).
My mum gives them 50p each most weeks and I think they get a fiver from their other grandparents when they see them infrequently.

They use it for treats at youth club, adding to savings if they want something, whatever they want.

Given the very small amounts involved it doesn't really matter that we are both giving them money (I used to get separate pocket money from my parents and they weren't separated).

Not sure what to do as they get older, think I will just give them what I judge appropriate and ex can do the same.