Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

name change - i feel weird

21 replies

Fooso · 27/03/2014 14:12

ok, me and DP are speaking about getting married after 5 years together. I still carry my married name because of my DS .... I am feeling weird about changing my name to my DPs and my son having a different name (he will obviously keep my ex's last name)... am I being stupid... We haven't said anything to my DS or DSD's so not sure if my DS would be bothered.. What did you do in this situation - do you have different last names to your DC's ?

OP posts:

Report

purpleroses · 27/03/2014 14:28

I already have a different surname to my DCs, as ex and I were never married and DCs took ex's name.

I'm going to change to DP's surname when we get married - which will mean that me, DP and his DCs have the same surname and my DCs have a different one. DS (14) is entirely unbothered. DD (10) feels left out - even though I don't share her surname at the moment she says she wants to be a [DP surname] too I've tended to laugh it off, tell her her dad would be upset if she didn't have his name, and she can change it legally if she wants when she's 18.

Fooso · 27/03/2014 14:33

Thanks Purple - I think I'm over worrying... has it caused problem at schools having different names?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 27/03/2014 14:43

I hated it when my mum changed her name to her new husbands. Another example of her choices making me different and making me have to explain it. There weren't many children from divorced families then though, then she changed
My younger brothers as he was too young to understand. Not a great time in my life.

purpleroses · 27/03/2014 14:51

It causes minor problems with school or GP surgeries EG: School phones up and says "Is that Mrs [DC's surname]?" I say: "Not exactly". School says "Sorry, I mean is that DD's mother?" I say "yes"..... Wastes a small amount of time. The secondary school seems to be a bit more clued up and always just says "Can I speak to the parent or carer of DS?"

Have you tried asking your DS what he thinks about it? Does he have a good relationship with his dad? If he does, then he may be happier to have his name.

Fooso · 27/03/2014 14:57

Thanks, he loves his dad and I know wouldn't want to change his name - I can just imagine how odd it would be having a diff name to my DS... Lunar, that's sad... I'm really conscious that my son will be the only one in my house with that surname :(

OP posts:

MaddestOfTheHatters · 27/03/2014 15:32

DP's mum had a similar situation and she chose to keep her ex-husbands name in order to have the same surname as DP. When DP turned 18 he changed his name himself and his mother was mortified she spent so many years with a name she hated for him to go and change his!

What I'm trying to say is, if your DS is happy with his name and you with yours, minor speed bumps like the GP and school arent going to matter years from now.

croquet · 27/03/2014 15:39

Why don't you double the names up til your kids turn 18, then drop your ex-h's name if it seems ok to them then?

brdgrl · 27/03/2014 15:41

I gave DD her dad's last name (we were not married yet). When I got married, I kept my name.
If I were doing it over, I'd have given DD my name.

brdgrl · 27/03/2014 15:43

On the other hand, we have 3 different surnames in our house, between the kids, and it has never made for any practical problems or changed how anyone feels about 'belonging' (well, as far as I am aware, I guess!) - all the kids are quite proud of their name.

kinkytoes · 27/03/2014 20:14

I never worried when my mum re married and changed her name. I loved my stepdad so it didn't matter.

Eliza22 · 28/03/2014 09:40

I remarried and took my dh's name. My son, who was 8 at the time wasn't that bothered though he did ask "are you still my mum, though?" . However, when we took our cat to the vets, the vet called her in the waiting room as "Cat(my new married name)". DS informed everyone in the waiting area that his cat would be keeping his surname

It did feel strange but I'm old fashioned and wanted to take my husband's surname (even though my previous surname was nicer!). It's a very personal choice, OP.

Kaluki · 28/03/2014 10:22

That is one of the many reasons I don't want to get married.
My dc don't have my name but I know they would feel excluded if I had the same name as DP and DSC. They would feel like we were the family not them.
And I like my surname. Its my dads family name and quite unusual so I can never imagine being called anything else.

teenagetantrums · 28/03/2014 10:31

You can call yourself what you want, my kids have my ex's name we were never married, I just answered to their name at school, never caused a problem, sometimes they use my surname when its easier, I have read on here about people having problems when travelling abroad and the kids have different names on passports, but I have never had a problem. Why dont you ask your son how he feels about it?

theredchicken · 28/03/2014 10:38

I feel the same.

My ds aged 16 says he wouldn't mind but I just feel it makes him the odd one out.

I already feel that ds and I have sacrificed a lot and I must admit giving up my name feels like something else I have to change for my dp and his kids. I have had ex's name for longer than my maiden name and think of it as "mine" not his.

I know my dp doesn't feel the same though.

ArtexMonkey · 28/03/2014 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fooso · 28/03/2014 11:53

Thanks all. I would actually prefer to keep the name I have now - but it's my ex's obviously (I've had it for 10 years and I quite like it)... I'm not sure how my DP would feel about that though after we got married !!! I think ideally, it would be a gradual change maybe.. I would keep the name I have for work definitely. Your last name is part of you isn't it - very personal. I think when the time comes I will speak to my DS and see what he thinks..

OP posts:

anklebitersmum · 28/03/2014 11:54

DS1 asked three yrs ago to have his name changed to my DH's. We'd never made 'an issue' of surnames so it was a bit of a suprise.

We explained he can't do that legally right now but filled out the appropriate forms for him with the school so he's on the register as anklebitersmum rather than anklebitersmumsex.

That's kept him happy enough and now all the surnames are essentially the same but in all honesty I think it's more about how his Bio-dad behaves towards him and how he feels about DH than the surname he had a bit of a snarl and snapped 'anklebitersmum actually' when a family member called him the 'wrong' surname recently

My only advice would be to make it as smaller-a-deal as possible and see where the wind takes you.

wheresthelight · 28/03/2014 22:14

i guess it depends on how old DS is. If he is old enough to discuss it with then talk to him and see how he feels about it all. If he is happy with it then change it to your DP's, if not then maybe you can work with him to come up with something he is happy with ie double barrelled?

tribpot · 28/03/2014 22:23

Hopefully your DP will see that doing what you think is best to make your ds feel part of a blended family is more important than whether or not you have his name.

If you prefer to keep the name you have now, then keep it. Your DP will be doing the same, after all!

RandomInternetStranger · 28/03/2014 22:24

I would not want a different name to my children so am keeping my ex's name, naming my new baby with my ex's name so both DCs are the same, and the same as me, and I wouldn't change my name in the future unless I change all the kids too which ex will never agree to with DD. He's going to be furious that I name the new one with his name.

AuroraSim · 30/03/2014 08:42

My DS had his dad's surname from birth, but since we split it's been 3 years with no contact so I changed it via deed poll to my own.

Know I'm looking at marrying next year, I have the added issue of names. I don't want to change DS's again, but do I want him left out.

I will see what happens when he's older xx

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.