drunk mother - how to deal?!

[sloopyj]

Hi All,

I have been with my partner now for 6 months he has 2 children who live with him full time from his previous relationship.

The reason they live with him is that their mum is an alcoholic and manic depressive who has attempted suicide a number of times.

Since the start of our relationship she has repeatedly let the boys down saying that she will have them and then not turning up, when she fails to arrive they are both obviously very upset and worried that she has tried something stupid again.

Last night being another one of those nights - when asked why she had not arrived she literally just replied saying 'I am too pi**ed'!

Last weeks excuse was that she has taken too many valium but her response was 'i love you too much to reply' - yes i am very angry! she has lived with someone for the last 2.5 years and i am pretty sure that if he knew she was sending texts like that to her ex he would leave.

My question is on the grand scale - how do we deal with this situation? but to break it down...

Should he allow the boys to still go round there?
How do we deal with the fall out of yet another episode?
Should i say something to her about the constant let down of 2 great children and the inappropriate texts?

Sorry i have ranted hope you can make sense of what i have said!?!?

thanks

[Onesleeptillwembley]

You've only been with this chap 6 months. It's not really for you to deal with any of it b

[gingermop]

as onesleep said, after 6 months its notreally sumthing u should b involved in and to b honest the ex having to deal with u is probobly making the situ worse

[Russianfudge]

Okay, I know first hand how hard it is to watch people you care about hurt. And it is very very hard when you see the man you are with not taking charge of an important situation. You want to step in and help.

But please don't try. You have been on the scene for six months, this stage should be all about getting to know each other and dating and having fun. Not putting his life back on track.

My advice would be to ask him questions about how it makes him feel, and tell him you will try to support him by listening, but also make sure he knows you want to build your relationship on other stuff.

I've been in a relationship for six years with a man whose ex treats their dd badly. NOTHING I could or ever have said or down has or will ever have any effect whatsoever on this.

Why isn't he "saying something" does he think they should be able to go there? Do they? Generally speaking it is best for the children to have a relationship with mum where possible, he should make them available for contact and comfort them if she lets them down. But it has to be led by him, not you. I would say that even if you'd been together 10 years.

If he is really concerned about their safety he can see if the court will agree to supervised contact with mum. But again... He needs to decide. Has he looked in to it, do you know?

[Russianfudge]

Just to add. These children are in a very unstable insecure environment. Getting too involved when this relationship is so new would be cruel.

[Whereisegg]

Another voice saying it's too soon for you to really be involved.

I agree that your dp needs to look into supervised access for the dc, and to stop telling them that their dm is coming so it's a nice surprise if she does and no loss if she doesn't.

How old are they?

[lunar1]

Let their dad deal with it through the courts.

[Bloodyteenagers]

You back off. It has nothing at all to do with you. It is for him and the ex to deal with. I am not even sure why you think you are in any position to get involved and start telling her anything.

[purpleroses]

You might find that organisations such as Gingerbread can offer support to your DP.

As a male single parent he may not have the social networks that women more often do, so may be looking to you for more support than you can really give him.

[MichelloBarner]

!00% what everyone said. I understand why you feel concerned and why you want to be involved in finding the solution, but this is not about you, and not about an opportunity for you to shine as the Fairy Stepmother.

Listen to your boyfriend moan (and after 6 months that's all he is, a boyfriend, not a partner) support him when he is frustrated, but as for the rest, STAY OUT of it. No good can come of it for you. If she really is a serious problem to the kids' wellbeing then your boyfriend needs to deal with it by going through the courts to cut contact. If not then he'll just have to do what every mother with a flaky unreliable fuckwit for an ex has to do - keep calm, try not to rant in front of the children, answer their questions directly and honestly, but with sensitivity and compassion.

But that is for HIM to do - please God, don't you try it. It really is not your place.

[Whereisegg]

Do feel free to rant here though, you may feel that we are all against you but we're not.
We're against you getting too involved too quickly, and many if us have huge back stories as to why we feel so strongly, be us mothers, step-mothers, or both

[Russianfudge]

Whereisegg is right! Most of us have gone down the route of caring too much. Feel free to rant away.

The cycle is usually: feeling insecure, feeling judgemental of mum, feeling smug, feeling angry at mum, moaning and ranting about mum, telling DP what he should be doing in regards to mum, dp not doing it, trying to do it yourself, realising only DP can have an effect on it (if even he can), hating dp for being weak, realising that the ex will always do whatever she wants until dp does something, realising dp isn't going to do anything, detaching.

We want to save you the pain, just detach now

[Russianfudge]

That cycle took me about five years to get through by the way, and I still get stuck around some of the stages on occassion

[Viviennemary]

It's up to him how he deals with his ex and family. You haven't really been on the scene long enough to interfere.

[ProlificPenguin]

You won't be able to guilt her into sorting her self out, with addiction it doesn't work like that.

You are new to the situation, all you should do is support your new partner in what he wants from the situation and as you have involved yourself with the children be a steady, reliable, calm influence in their lives. What ever you do don't rant or moan about their DM in front of them.

[MellowAutumn]

This is NOT your problem - they have a farther, its up to him to sort it -that's really the be all and end all.