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Tension between kids and DP

(5 Posts)
lemonstartree Mon 10-Feb-14 13:44:42

My DP lives with me and my 3 sons aged 15, 12 and 9. He is in the stepfather role although we are not married.

Mt exH has the children for one day (7 hours) a week. he 'cannot cope' with any more.

DS1 is difficult. he lies, steals ( has been expelled from one school, for theft; and picked up for shoplifting) drinks, smokes, probably does drugs; is aggressive to his younger brothers, has unprotected sex, does no school work.

DP has had enough. he is horrible to DS1 at times, sarky and cutting. The bullying of the younger boys makes him SO angry. I get it, I really do, quite often I don't like DS1 either; but I am powerless to change him - and he is my son.

DP has a very positive relationship with DS3; and an ok one with DS2

I feel like the piggy in the middle of the tension and strain. My experience of step parenting is entirely different as DSD is now 23 and DSS is 20. They do not live with us

Does anyone have any advice? Or even some positive stories of how things have improved ...

Kaluki Mon 10-Feb-14 14:32:08

Why have you written off your DS1? You can do something about his behaviour. From your post it sounds like you have absolved yourself of all responsibility for him. This is our of. Line. You are his mother and he is still a minor so you are responsible for him. No wonder your DP has had enough - why does he have to babysit a 15 year old at all. If DS1 is old enough to drink smoke do drugs etc then I'm sure he can look after himself for 7 hours.
I think you are asking too much of your DP.
Can you get someone else to have the younger two or is he your only option.

Kaluki Mon 10-Feb-14 14:39:47

So sorry I read your whole thread wrong! I thought your DP had refused to have the dc blush
Your DP needs to back off and stop being horrible to your DS1. It's not his place to have a go at him and he will just make things worse.
I would concentrate on getting DS1 some help and trying to get him back on the straight and narrow and tell your DP to leave him alone. DP is the adult here after all and should understand having had two teens himself.

lemonstartree Mon 10-Feb-14 19:44:31

Believe me we have tried with DS1. He has CAMHS, lots of input from school has had a CAF form completed attends support groups etc etc. Nothing has made one jot of difference

Maybe I have given up. Maybe I have given up to protect myself from the heartache. But I haven't given up on the other two, and I want a happy peaceful home for them ...

newlifeforme Mon 10-Feb-14 20:29:11

How long have you been with your dp? It does feel like your ds needs help, does he have any special needs? I was a very difficult teenager and as an adult in counselling I was told that rebellion in teenage years can often be depression. I think it was the case for me.Despite having siblings close in age I seemed to be more impacted by the family circumstances as I was a sensitive child.

Your son's behaviour seems self destructive and I doubt your partner is helping.Why not post on the teenage forum for advice. I would ask your partner to back off, its unlikely that he is having a positive affect and as you're the parent you need to be in charge of discipline and boundary setting.

15 is still so young so please don't give up on him.He could still turn out to be a responsible adult given the right support and direction.

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