Dont agree with the way that partner is bring up his child

[tigerrose]

Help, I need to know wether to get involved or leave well alone. My partner of 4 years has a little boy from previous mariage who is 5 - for christmas he bought him a TV and games console for his room - we only have him every other weekend and he now just runs straight upstains and plays on it. Now the problem is we have a child together and she is 2, she is alone most of the time and gets so excited to see her brother when he is here and now he just ignores her. I have 2 issues this and the fact that I dont want my daughter to follow this path I want her busy doing out doors activities and creative activities not stuck in front of a TV and she will ask why she can t have one when she is older plus - it is hard to see him as part of the family when he is not present in the little time that he does spend wiht us. though my partner feels that this is a reason that he will want to be here!! If I question it I am being stupid. Am I right or should I just let it go and let him make the mistake wtih his son. BTW i have tried to encourage outdoors activities but they never get taken up. I am starting to resent him and his son because I have no say in what his son does but he expects me to treat his son in the same way as out daughter.

[Littlefish]

Could you set a time limit for the amount of time he can spend on screens while he is with you?

[FrogStarandRoses]

tiger I think you might have to "let it go" and avoid tackling it directly, but engage in lots of creative/outdoor activities with your DD while your DSS is in your home; it's quite likely that he'll begin to take an interest -FOMO is a strong motivator from a very young age!

My DSS was very screen-based and resistant to change - but when he saw my DD and I doing things like scrap booking, planting seeds, washing the car etc, he soon wanted to join in! Once he's discovered that these things are fun, he'll be badgering his Dad to join in too - don't fall into the trap of entertaining both DCs and letting his dad off the hook!

[dozeydoris]

Could you bring games console downstairs so DS can see what fun everyone else is having doing stuff? Then he might join in.

[purpleroses]

I'd be pretty cross about that in your situation. Things like TVs in bedrooms and games consoles aren't things where you can have one rule for one child and a different one for another child. So whatever rules your DP makes for his DS will set in stone how you have to do things for your DD too. And as you say it also affects his DS's relationship with his younger sister. I would expect to make joint decisions on things like that.

Letting a 5 year old have completely unregulated computer time in their room is also really stupid in my opinion. My DSS is 11 and still has absolutely no ability to self-regulate his gaming. If you leave him to it he wouldn't stop to eat or sleep, and certainly not to interact with other children. We have fixed hours for gaming and computers are off outside those hours. DSS then plays happily with my DD like any normal child. I've never managed to get DSS out of the house when it's gaming time except by force. Encouragement, suggestions, offering fun crafty activities do not work at all when there is computer gaming on offer. Only limits on the gaming time work.

I'm not sure bringing the games console downstairs would work. They're quite addictive and tend to take over the room - your DD is too young to play on it and DSS would probably just find she was annoying him wanting his attention. OR you might find your DP and DSS both staring at it for hours on end playing Mario Cart...

[Kaluki]

You dont have to bring your DD up the same way.
DSS is 3 years older and only visits EOW.
I think you should get your DD interested in going out and crafting and having fun and if DSS wants to join in then let him of course but don't make a battle of it.
Your DP should however listen to you and not call you stupid. That would piss me off tbh. Your opinion should count, even if he doesn't act on it, he should respect it.

[catsmother]

Your partner's the stupid one here. What sort of responsible parent allows a 5 year old unlimited screen time, on their own, shut away in a room with barely any other interaction ?

There's a time and a place for screen time .... it almost sounds as if he wants his son otherwise occupied, i.e. the screen acting as "babysitter" so he doesn't have to go to the effort of actually being a parent and involving his son in a variety of different activities and normal family life.

He must be incredibly lazy and/or have a very low opinion of himself if he really believes the console is the only reason his son wants to come over. Notwithstanding the fact that suggests that this extremely young child actually has a choice in the matter .... so what if he objected to coming over should his screen time be reduced, tough, he doesn't get a say in the matter at that age.

Frankly, your DP is being pathetic and irresponsible. And obviously, you're going to feel resentful at having no say at how the children (i.e. both of them) are treated in your own household - but I bet you are good enough to cook and clean for his son aren't you, even though your opinion re: how he's being raised is apparently "stupid".

Does he even want to see - I mean literally see his son ?

As others have said, time restrictions for the console are the only way forward. That, and you effectively detaching and doing what you want with DD - for now. As you say though, there may well be potential problems as she gets older and wants to do what her brother is doing. That's why it's vital that you and DP thrash out an agreement on gaming - so equal rules can be applied to both kids. And him suggesting that, for example, DD also gets her own TV and console and unlimited play on it when she's 5 as well is not the answer. Unless he effectively wants to shut her away as well.

Maybe you should dig out some research on the ill-effects of too much screen time upon kids - especially at such a young age. He can't just dismiss your opinion on this - it's very contemptuous. Also hope he's playing age appropriate games ?

[ShesYourDaughter]

I wouldn't agree with it either, purely on the basis of his all round development.

Research has shown too much console time in much older kids affects their brain development, and also their ability to focus on anything that's not visually stimulating.

We have had some trouble with dss because of this. He was left in front of the tv when he was younger, at sports events with a hand held console everybweekend watching his older sisters, tv on the minute he walked into the room and just left on all the time, bored within minutes of being told to turn it off.

His compulsion for all things electronic was excused away because he has dyslexia but eventually when I sat DP down to talk through his behaviour she agreed we should wean him off.

Good old fashioned board games work a treat, and we did the compulsory outdoors which was met with resistance but once he was out he loved it. You can then stretch that to a weekend camping without any games machine. And kids do love books even at his age.

Sounds a bit self defeating but if you can trade a favourite tv program for console time it gets him out of his room and when tv is finished a chance to suggest something else.

Sounds like you need to have a chat.....