DSD bed? My bed?

[louby44]

As many of you know my DP and I are going our separate ways after 6 yrs together. He's never bonded with my 2 DS so I just can't do it anymore. He also has anger, communication and jealousy issues.

His 2 DD have been here once since August. As I have moved out of our bedroom I asked DD15 if I could have her room as my own? And then she could share with her sister when/if she stayed here. )They rarely stay here anymore). She agreed so I mentioned it to her dad that it was ok and sorted.

I arranged the room and sorted myself out a few bits out, table, lamp, clock radio. Bought myself a lovely mattress topper, nice clean bedding and I've felt like it was my own space. It's my little haven and I've slept really well since moving in there. I leave it tidy, as is my way, bed made. Happy.

I went to stay with my parents over Christmas and have returned home today with my DSs. ExDP arrived back from his parents boxing day with the DD and they spent the day and night here.

I went upstairs to discover that DD15 has slept in my/her bed. Clothes, toiletries, sweet wrappers etc etc all over the floor. When I pulled the bed back there was chocolate all in the bed. I was livid.

I know it's her bedroom but this is MY home. I challenged exDP and he basically couldn't care less. Says 'tough, it's her room'. I was so cross. He has our room and en suite.

I wouldn't have minded if she'd used her own bedding which was in her sisters room. I just feel I have nowhere to call my own. She only used to stay here 4 nights a month as it is!!

I am SO cross!

[nocontactforevermore]

I've followed your threads and while I understand you're going through a crap time, but in all honesty, the person who you need to be angry with here is your arse of a DP. The bedroom belongs to dsd - she agreed to you sleeping in there but probably didn't realise that would put her out of bounds completely. She also needs a space to go to - however little time she spends there. For a teen, she has been pretty agreeable IMO.

Now the matter of you having to go into that room in the first place is a whole other issue. Why did you love out? It should have been him. Now you are effectively a stranger in your own home and your ex is probably revelling in the fact that dsd has used the room, and indeed probably encouraged her. He will see her presence as a buffer to further make you feel uncomfortable. He is pulling in the troops.

I know you don't want to make things worse but is there nothing you can do to stop him holding all the cards here? Empty his stuff out of the bedroom and move back in? He should be the one to sleep in his dd's room, the cheeky fucker.

[louby44]

I moved out of our bedroom as he didn't speak to me for 2 days. I just couldn't bear to lie next to a man who refused to talk to me. I know I should have stood my ground but I suppose I wanted to make a point.

He has now bought new bedding for his room and told me to stop going in there, which is impossible as I have clothes and other belongings in the fitted wardrobes. The silly man even bought RED bedding when the room is purple - just to piss me off further.

I pay half towards the mortgage and I'll go into ANY room I please.

He is being a right arse I can tell you, it's laugh a minute here!

[clam]

Is it your joint house, or did he move in to your home, originally? I remember your previous thread, but not the fine detail.

[louby44]

Joint home (although I have £100k that he can't touch when we sell).

[purpleroses]

Living with someone you don't want to be with and know it's over with is really hard.
Either DSD didn't understand the arrangement you thought you'd made with her or your ex overuled you and told her it was still her room.
But either way I think it's going to go on being really tough on everyone until you sell up or one buys the other out or whatever you need to do to separate properly

[louby44]

purple you are right I know! My problem is, is that I'm too nice. And I expect everyone else to be the same.

He isn't a nice person and it's taken me a while to finally see that. And then of course when things aren't going his way he's even nastier.

We could still be here in this house in 6 months!

[SillyMillyOnAHilly]

Knowing what my teen girls and their friends are like it may be that your DSD really didn't think it mattered at all. All the teen girls I know seem to not care where they bunk down.
I do understand your need for your own space, especially when your ex is being such a git, but maybe this shouldn't be that much of an issue.

Can you speak to your DSD about it.

[louby44]

No I feel awful enough as it is taking her room. Her dad should have sorted the bed situation out last night, he probably just couldn't be bothered.

I've only been sleeping for 3 hours at a time so once I'd sort of 'made my nest' I felt more settled and my sleep improved.

The DSDs may not come here again for a while, I don't know?

[nocontactforevermore]

In that case you need to speak to dsd in the kindest way possible. Don't drag her into anything but explain kindly that you appreciate her letting you have her room ( because she has 'let' you, however annoying that may be to you) and work out some ground rules for how the space is to be used by her when she's there.
Is there any scope for moving your boys into one room and you have the other?

[Thants]

Hmmm just because you and her dad decided to split doesn't mean she should be punished. When staying with her dad she needs somewhere to stay and see as her home. Obviously it is up to him but I think it is unfair for you to expect her bear the brunt of the breakup.

[PetiteChouette]

Hi Louby,

I've kinda followed your other thread and read this one in disbelief. Your ExDP sounds awful and is defo the one to be mad at in this situation. If I were in your shoes I'd kick him out of your original bedroom and put a lock on the door.

He's behaving appallingly. And frankly he can sleep in his DDs room while she's away.

I get this is your choice to split, but his behaviour has caused it. Don't be pushed out of your home in any way because of guilt at saying things are over. Stand your ground and claim what's rightfully yours.

Good luck. PC x

[louby44]

We live in a large 5 bedroom house. EVERY person in this house has a bedroom, except me!

How is that fair? In 2 bedrooms we have beds that turn into doubles, there is room for everyone. I spent a night in my sons bed when they came 2 weeks ago.

All I want is a room with MY things in it, I don't want to keep moving stuff around.

This isn't DSD home, they have no belongings here, they have never made their bedrooms their own.

Lucky them, they have 2 bedrooms - one here and one with their mum!

My exDP is to blame here, I agree. I have a feeling he knows he's made a bit of boo boo letting her sleep in there.

[nocontactforevermore]

Lou as much as you won't want to hear this, you need to get your boys to share a room in the short term and take one of theirs. I've thought about it and because your ex is a prat, it will make tensions even worse if you lock him out of the bedroom. It will also cause there to be even less trust over other shared areas of the house and before you know it there will be separate areas of the fridge, locking you out the house etc and generally starting a Cold War. If you have made the decision in your heart and mind to rid yourselves of this prat then you need to find a way of managing it. It might take 6 months but it that's still a long time and could make your life unbearable if you embark on a war. Let him play whatever games he wants. If you don't engage him it will go nowhere. Ride the time out until you are free of him. Winning a battle over bedrooms doesn't matter if you know it's over.

Being the one to 'win' your bedroom is a pretty hollow victory, let him have it.

[nocontactforevermore]

Lou as much as you won't want to hear this, you need to get your boys to share a room in the short term and take one of theirs. I've thought about it and because your ex is a prat, it will make tensions even worse if you lock him out of the bedroom. It will also cause there to be even less trust over other shared areas of the house and before you know it there will be separate areas of the fridge, locking you out the house etc and generally starting a Cold War. If you have made the decision in your heart and mind to rid yourselves of this prat then you need to find a way of managing it. It might take 6 months but it that's still a long time and could make your life unbearable if you embark on a war. Let him play whatever games he wants. If you don't engage him it will go nowhere. Ride the time out until you are free of him. Winning a battle over bedrooms doesn't matter if you know it's over.

Being the one to 'win' your bedroom is a pretty hollow victory, let him have it.

[nocontactforevermore]

Sorry for posting twice!

[louby44]

I know what you're saying and part of me agrees but why should my DS be 'put out' by sharing a bedroom when 2 bedrooms go unused for months at a time. This is my sons permanent home.

The DSD may not come again for weeks/months. My sons had to be juggled around 2 weeks ago so I could use one of their bedrooms whereas HE and his daughters were hunky dory! All cosy in their own beds.

[Madethebedx]

Hi lou

I feel so sorry for you, it must feel horrible. Personally, if it was me, I would make a room out of dsd room and put a lock on that and that's your space. She had already agreed had she not, plus she's hardly ever there. I think it's fairer doing that than making DS share when it's their permanent home. It's easy for me to say tho I suppose. Hope u get it sorted xx

[Peacesword]

I think you need to get yourself to a solicitor pronto. He will be making life as difficult as possible for you - there will be no reasoning with him. Don't let him drag things on.

Just calmly tidy the bedroom and wash your bedding. He's trying to provoke you so don't let him rile you.

You might want to post in relationships as I know others are and have been in a similar situation.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Louby I haven't been around so much in the run up to Christmas, so I'm not too clear about the finer details either (sorry), is the house on the market?

I would put the girls into a room where there are two beds and take over the other room. Yes, he should move into one, but as nocontact said it will only make things worse. Tell the DSDs that it is now their shared room on the odd occasion they stay - they are old enough to know what's going on.

I hope the house sells quickly.

[Cabrinha]

I've posted on your other thread on this in Relationships.
Same reply but magnified with your added info here - you need to stop thinking you can all stay in the same house.

I don't know any background, but the red bedding... that's his business. If he really has bought a colour just to wind you up - that's proof living together will not work. If you just think he has - that's proof living together will not work.

You cannot continue to live somewhere where you get angry about someone's bed linen choice, your stress levels are too high. Wherever his daughter sleeps.

In the meantime, clean up your room. Next time his daughter stays, I'd tell her that she's welcome to use the room when you're not there, but she's to leave it tidy, and she's to change the sheets. Have a set somewhere you both know handy for her. If it's normal teen selfishness, she'll share with her sister rather than be bothered (make sure there are two beds made up in there all the time). In fact, for the times you're away, can you strip your bed? Time it when you're sheet washing anyway.
If she then makes a mess, don't involve her father, tell her directly "not again". She's only been once since August? Not worth this fight - put you energy into selling up.

[louby44]

The house went on the market yesterday. It won't sell at the price it's on at it but HE wants as much equity as he can get out of the house, he will probably end up with very little, so he wants to hold out for as much as he can.

We also have a car (an S Max) that is in my name (but jointly paid for, at the moment) which has finance still on it. I don't want this car, it's too big for 3 of us. He is expecting some money from it when it's sold as we both part exchanged cars to buy it. (He has a company car + fuel). I don't think there will be any money from a sale.

I don't know whether to re-finance with a smaller car and just give him £1000 that I could borrow from my parents.

It is all a mess and very stressful.

[sockssandalsandafork]

As chipping says, make the biggest of the girls bedrooms a nice twin room for them to share and then phone/text/whatsapp ( !) both girls explaining the situation (Im a bit confused, you say 4 nights a month and then hardly ever?) make it clear the twin room is their room. It sounds like a horrid atmosphere for all of you

[louby44]

Previous to our disastrous summer holiday the girls came EOW. (But DSD15 not quite as often.) They refused to come here as they were not talking to their dad (or me).

After a reconciliation during the Autumn with their dad they visited for one night in November and one night on the 14th Dec.

I don't know if/when they will visit again in the future. Last night they slept on the 2 single beds in DSD14 bedroom. Which is what I thought would happen on Boxing Night.

My exDP has no respect for me and the personal space I've tried to create for myself. Further reinforcement that this relationship is no longer worth it.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - it does help to get things straight in my head!

[VodkaJelly]

Put a lock on the door and tell DSD that it is now your room and she must sleep in one of the other rooms. You are paying the mortgage, not her, and you decide which room is yours, not ask permission of a teenager.

Stand your ground woman, your DP is an arse, time to take back some control.

[ChristineDaae]

Why not just move all your DSDs stuff into 1 room, if they hardly ever stay it won't hurt them to share. It stupid to have your sons sharing when they live there and there are 2 empty rooms. Take a room, make it your own, inform your partner that your DSDs can share when they stay. It won't hurt them, I always shared a room with my sister.