Hi. I'm not a step parent, but I'm looking for advice/ a way to move forward here. It's long, sorry!
I have 3 children, aged 10, 8 and 5.
We had a good, working relationship with their father until about 9 months ago, when he became seriously involved with the woman that he now lives with.
The children are now refusing to go quite often, and the oldest (a girl) is very distressed.
The partner appears very pleasant and does activities with the children. But they are all 3 sharing one bedroom at the house. They say that they don't get time alone with their Dad (they are only there 2 nights a fortnight - EOW Friday evening until Sunday lunch) and they are not keen on being taken to visit their dad's partner's family.
On two occasions since September, the access hasn't happened, as XH has been away for the weekend with the GF - so once there was a 4 week gap between visits and once 3 weeks.
DD feels responsible for his feelings, and also hers, but is so unhappy about going. She phoned me in tears the other night, but he would not allow her to come home.
There are other issues that have cropped up - XH suddenly "not believing" in DS1's formally diagnosed SN, for example, and the children stating that his GF has given them medication - I feel that is inappropriate, as DS1 has significant allergy issues that his father does not take seriously.
It's gone from us being able to have civil time together (short bouts!) e.g having a cup of tea in each other's home with the kids, to me not being allowed to know where he lives (and where the children are!) or anything about this GF. Other than that he loves her, and in his view she is as important to the children as I am. I have a massive problem with that, as it is really upsetting the children.
For clarity, there is no jealousy from my side, I ended the marriage and we've been separated for 5 years. I was happy for him that he had found someone he could be happy with - but not at the expense of my children's well being! I am not negative about Dad in front of the kids and talk favourably about their time there. I do have a BF, but he is not involved in parenting and doesn't live here.
Do you, as step-parents/ partners of parents believe that it's an appropriate situation? I have stopped forcing the older children to go, as my solicitor said that physically doing so was wrong, but last week I had to peel my screaming 5 year old off me and walk away from him as he "has" to attend access.
I feel that mediation (which we are waiting for) should include XH's GF, if she is going to be taking an active role. She has no children and no real experience of them. I want 3 way communication, as of now. Is that an unreasonable request? At present she does not speak to me at all. I don't know why, I don't know her!
Please help. I am trying to do my best by my children, and to keep their relationship with their father going!
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RP looking for advice/ perspective please!
15 replies
Nacster · 17/12/2013 12:58
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