Help! Bloody Disney parenting!! (Really long, sorry!)

[NipNaps]

Just need to vent...have had the weekend from hell. DSS (7) is generally lovely but is so dippy sometimes and is going through a phase where he alternates between not listening or downright refusing to follow instructions. DH is unfortunately convinced that DSS is an angel and thinks I'm being way too harsh on him, a bit of outside input would be good!!

Basically this was my last weekend before going back to work tomorrow after mat leave (I'm a teacher). I planned all my lessons on my day off on Friday and deliberately left my planner and resource folder in my car so it was already packed for Monday and I wouldn't forget it.

So, Friday night, DH picks up DSS, all ok. Saturday morning DSS wakes up and has pulled everything out of his weekend bag and strewn it all over the floor. He has to drink a certain amount of fluid each day as he's not dry overnight yet, but refuses to drink even 1 cup. We need to get out of the house so I give him a time limit to drink, get shoes and coat on and get out of the door. When the time limit is up, nothing is done. I remind DSS again. He does everything instead of drink. I ask him to drink again while I put dd into the car. I come back and he's playing with dd's toys. I get angry...but according to DH I'm overreacting. Fine. Let him wee in bed again then. (The drinking during the day makes a HUGE difference to DSS, literally the difference between flooding the bed and staying dry.) But it's unreasonable for me to care or try to do anything about it, apart from change the sheets when he inevitably has an accident due to not drinking enough during the day.

Then we get to where we're going. DSS asks if he can take my folders in to the sports hall as he needs to lean on something for his drawings. I say no, they need to stay safe in the car. DSS grumbles but goes in to the sports hall.

DSS gets some chocolate out of a vending machine and asks to eat it in the car. We both say no, but he eats it anyway and it goes everywhere as he's managed to drop loads and sit in it. But that's not his fault apparently.

This morning DSS comes into our room shouting that he's bored and wants to play. It's 6:15 and dd has literally just got back to sleep after a horrible night teething. I am absolutely knackered and DSS knows that he must not disrupt anyone before 7am unless it's an absolute emergency. Being bored is not an emergency but for some reason he decided that this rule was not worth thinking about today and woke dd up who is then inconsolable and will not go back to sleep. DH wakes up just long enough to tell me to take DSS downstairs, give DD breakfast and not to be angry with him. Then goes back to sleep.

DH then comes downstairs to make some pancakes and heats the plates up really really hot then dumps them on the table in front of DSS. DSS reaches out to grab one so I quickly tell DSS not to touch the plates as they are way too hot and will burn him so he immediately turns his hands over and plonks both hands palm down onto the pile of hot plates. Then moans that they have hurt his hands. And DH comes in and tells me not to get angry, it's not DSS' fault, these things just happen...

Then tonight whilst packing the car I find that DH has used it so much there's no petrol left. I won't have time to get to a petrol station that's open in the morning when I leave so I have to fill it up tonight and clear out all the mess left by DH and DSS. Then I look into the back and none of my work is there. After a few phone calls I find out it's sitting in lost property in the sports hall as DSS sneaked it in there without me seeing and managed to leave it behind.

So tomorrow I'm going back to work after 9 months with some crappy lessons I've scraped together tonight from what I can remember. I'm going to be rubbish. But I'm apparently very unreasonable to feel angry with DSS as it's not his fault, according to DH. Aargh!

Please help - I just feel that I am grumpy with DSS all the time and I hate being like that. But I feel that he is deliberately choosing to behave in a really difficult way and I am suffering from the consequences yet am being made to feel that I'm unreasonable for feeling angry and frustrated about it.

[NipNaps]

And when I say consequences I mean a mucky car filled with litter and chocolate, a baby who cannot sleep whilst he's poking her and disrupting her so much, no work prepared for tomorrow, having to drive across the city to get my folders tomorrow night, feeling awful because of DSS' burnt hands, wet sheets to wash, I know it's nothing major but it all just seems so avoidable if only DSS would follow instructions!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Tbh i think your dh is as much at fault as dss here. He should have got up with dss at 6.15 and not left it to you, he should have been firmer about not coming in til 7 am and not eating the chicolate in the car. And yourself a bit for not being aware that he was carrying your folder out of the car! And for not cleaning the chocolate up yesterday when it happened instead of leaving it til tonight if it needed to be cleaned. Not sure who is to blame about the petrol- im sure dh did use it all up on purpose and im sure you were aware of when he was using the car and asking him to refill it while he was out as you knew you would need the tank full.

[pictish]

Here's what I think.
Your irritation with your dss is apparent in your post. The things you are describing, apart from sneaking the folder out of your car, all sound completely par for the course in my experience. Normal 7 yr old behaviour.
That's not to see it isn't aggravating and frustrating of course, but it's normal.

If you are getting cross with him over so many little things, his dad probably feels the urge to defend him.

You are overly harsh, your dh responds by trying to smooth it over, to the point where you feel unsupported by your husband.

I don't know exactly what you can do about it...but yeah...that's what I think. He gets on your nerves, and your dh wants to protect him.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

And ds should be changing the sheets as much as or more than you are!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Not ds- i meant dh

[pictish]

I also agree that your dh should have been the one to get up at 6.15...and should also be taking and equal if not greater share in changing the sheets.
He sounds a bit selfish tbh.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Btw 7 year olds arent robots- they dont always 'follow instructions' they have off days just like adults and they pick up on tensions and sometimes this cause them to not be able to do right for doing wrong because they try to second guess what the right behaviour is that you want from them, they dont always get it right as they are just children. Ease up on him a bit and come down a bit harder on your dh a bit.

[pictish]

Agreed.

[JumpingJackSprat]

Your dh needs to step up here and take better care of his son so that his antics aren't causing you so much aggro. No fucking way would I get up with his child that's woken me up 45 minutes before the allied time for no good reason. Nor would I be changed the sheets unless dp wasnt physically able to do it.

[NipNaps]

Yeah I can see where you're coming from, thanks for the input. The chocolate was cleaned up at the time, it was the weekend's litter which I had to sort out tonight after DH had dropped DSS home. And the folder was sneaked out of the car after we'd all got out and locked it up. I'd gone to take dd for a nappy change and apparently DSS asked DH for the keys and got it out then so I didn't look for it as we were leaving as it had been brought into the hall when I wasn't there.

I just feel that although none of these things are really a big deal on their own, DSS does need to be at least talked to about them as they are all instances of either not listening or blatantly disobeying what he's told (especially the hot plates one as it was for the sake of his safety that he was told not to touch). And I feel that the only person doing all of this is me, not DH. And when things go wrong from DSS doing these (probably normal) things, it's never DH who sorts them out. Surely that's not right?

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

No its not right- what has dh said when you said all this to him.

And yes that was conpletely dhs fault that the folder was left behind. I would e fuming with him over that. He is completley underminjng you by giving ds the car keys behind your back. Dh needs a serious kick up the bum and to put on his parenting boots.

[pictish]

Weeelllll....it's tricky.
From my own experience...which is not being a stepmum so possibly is not useful...is that my dh seems to get aggravated by small things far more than I do, and I occasionally have days where I just get sick of him bitching on at the kids for every little thing. I do end up playing to good cop to his bad sometimes, and explaining to him that his expectations are a bit high, and that I think he needs to chill out a bit.

Maybe your dh feels the same?

[pictish]

Although yes, I totally agree that giving your dss the keys to get the folder out behind your back was dreadful. And then for him to wander off and forget it? I would have been furious about that. On that score yadnbu!!

[Helpyourself]

Blindly vent away! Poor you.
Thank goodness the files were ok.
DH is definitely in the wrong here.

[NipNaps]

Well when I was asking about my folder, DH started off by saying "oh yes I saw DSS bring it into the sports hall after he came back from the car" then immediately changed his story to "well one of us must have brought it in, how do you know it was DSS, you're jumping to conclusions". When I said it wasn't me and DH said it wasn't him, I then said "well it must have been DSS then, like you first said." DSS had gone home by then and I was so stressy about my lessons that I was not even bothering to be angry about DSS, just annoyed that dh was refusing to believe that DSS had done that.

Dh just thinks that I seem to be overly grumpy and need to learn to live with things going wrong for all these mysterious reasons...

[ZenNudist]

I don't know why you let your dh 'tell' you to take dss downstairs at 6.15. Why do it? Why not get him to do it& take dd too?

Tell your dh to change pissy sheets. Again you have your hands full with dd.

I'm not a sm so I don't have any authority to speak. But I understand a selfish over entitled hubby when I hear about one. Stop making his life so easy.

If this wasn't a blended family you'd be sharing care of your 2 dc together. As it is it sounds like you're overcompensating for not being dss' mum.

You need support from dh as you're about to go back to work.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Well you do need to allow for things to go wrong. You have a baby and another child in the house, allow for their 'off days' and then your own and dh's and allow for outside factors affecting things and just pray that you never have a day when all those things combine

Yes, ease up a bit because he is a child and because everbody gets things wrong and because his dad is letting him think its ok to mug you off.

But i think you need to have a serious conversation with dh about how things will happen going forward. All your attitudes need adjusted and dh needs to step up and fulfil his role as a parent. He sounds lazy parenting wise. Not looking good for your dd is it? Get it sorted now for all uour sakes.

[NipNaps]

Well I did kind of hate myself for a moment there when I was taking the kids downstairs. I was so tempted to leave them with dh and take myself off to the spare room. But literally every time I've done that, I've been woken literally every 10-15 mins by dd crying (which is weird for her in the mornings - feed her and she'll be smiling for hours). I've then gone downstairs when I can't stand it any more to find dd crying with hunger and rolling around in just a nappy, 3 piles of brought-up milk on the floor and dh and DSS engrossed in some game on the iPad. I just can't do it to dd, it's not fair on her.

I realise I am not painting the nicest picture of dh here. But he is literally only like this when DSS is with us. It's like his guilt at not being with him full-time takes over and it's time to treat DSS like the king and give him anything he wants regardless of the consequences all weekend. Every weekend. During the week dh is so helpful and pro-active with dd. It's so weird.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

He leaves his baby lying on the floor crying with hunger surrounded by vomitted up milk? Hes really quite shit isnt he? And i find it very hard to beleive he's superdad when dss isnt there. Someone who is a good parent is a good parent regardless of who is there or how many of their children are visiting. Poor dd being completely sidelined bu her dad when dss is there. What a crap dad.

[Mellowandfruitful]

" DH wakes up just long enough to tell me to take DSS downstairs, give DD breakfast and not to be angry with him. Then goes back to sleep"
What? Unless he is a brain surgeon who'd just come off a night shift, there is no reason for this - he should take them downstairs himself!

"DSS asked DH for the keys and got it out then"
Who gives a 7 yo the keys to their car when they are asked without saying 'what do you want them for?'

And as for leaving the baby wet and hungry, that is well below par, even if he is good the rest of the time. Spell this out to him. At least one of the mornings at the weekend, he should take both the kids downstairs, feed your DD and change her, then he can probably leave her to kick on the floor a bit if DSS wants some game time, but not until DD has been properly cared for. I would be going ballistic if he could not get his act together to do that much.

As for the sheets, I would say to your DH that from now on you will now be reminding your DSS to drink during the day as it causes too much stress, but then neither will you be getting up at night to change the sheets or washing them the next day. That is his job.

[Mellowandfruitful]

from now on you will not be reminding...

[NipNaps]

Oh, forgot to answer one of the questions by a previous poster. When I talk to dh about the fact that I feel I'm always the one disciplining DSS, dh says that although he agrees that these things require something to be said, he doesn't notice them at the time they happen apparently

So it's practically impossible for him to discipline DSS isn't it?

[allnewtaketwo]

I have a 5yo and his behaviour is much much better than what you describe. Other people on here's may think its normal, but I guess some parents have lower standards for behaviour and manners than others.

However it is not possible for you to tackle DSS behaviour without your DH support. You need to make it HIS problem - dont get up before 7, don't change the dirty sheets etc etc

Sounds like a nightmare

[Petal02]

Pictish - if you can't cope with hearing different opinions, i think it's you that should "do one".