Do you ever feel like walking out because of the step kids?

[Marne]

Dh and I have need together 11 years, we have 2 dd's age 9 and 7, life's not always easy, both dd's have autism and every day is a battle. dh has 3 children with previous wife, 2 ds's who are now 18 and 20 and a dd who is 14. Things have not been easy with the boys, DSS is in a phyc unit at the moment and dss2 has now moved in with his girl friend, I finally feel like things have settled a little but now dsd has hit her teens things have got harder, she demands all sorts of thing, things I can not afford to give to my own dd's. dh and I end up arguing about it as he thinks she should have these things and I don't, she constantly messages me on fb asking for things and money.

At the moment she asking for something every week and then sulking if she doesn't get it ( then her mother goes and gets it for her even though she so called 'has no money' ). So me and dh are constantly arguing about what she should and shouldn't have. I'm tired, probably depressed and dh and I are hardly talking. I'm so tempted to call it a day as I'm fed up of feeling down and arguing over a 14 year old.

[eslteacher]

Your situation sounds so tough it makes me ashamed of grumbling about my own.

I have no words of wisdom, but sympathy and .

Do you and your DH still have good moments outside of DSC issues, or is it all too far reaching?

[Marne]

Good times are rare , we have a couple of good days and then I get a message from dsd and it blows up again. Dh wants us to move ( we live in the same village as the step children ) but I like it here. Dh has told me to delete her from fb but if I do that it's going to cause hassle, I have turned of chat so she can no longer see I am online, hopefully she will stop sending me demands. She has been quite nasty to me tonight ( quite lippy but maybe I have got it wrong, hard to tell when we are not talking face to face ). I asked her a few weeks ago what she would like for Christmas ( suggested clothes and new boots to her ) and now she has asked for something really expensive, I have said 'no' as its too much money and she doesn't look after anything ( everything we have bought her has been broken, trodden on or lost ) and she has gone off on one.

[3xM]

Oh it can be so awkward can't it? Dsd Is 9 and there are definitely days when I wish I could just fuck off out of it.

Just wondering why is she asking you for all this fancy stuff? Why not her dad? What would she day if you just said 'ask your father'? Or even 'ask your mother' seeing as she provides the things she's asking for?

She sounds a bit spoilt to me, and as though you are all pandering to her moods. Also, why not just delete her off Facebook? What do you think she will do?

[TwoStepsBeyond]

Definitely delete her from FB. I deleted ds1 as people post things to me that I didn't want him to see and vice versa. It's a place to share with friends and have a laugh, if you're getting stressed due to messages from her, get rid.

When she starts on at you, tell her the budget, boundaries etc and then leave it at that. If she persists, pass it onto dad.

[DiamondsAndDust]

Hi Marne,

I'm just wondering could you also feel like this because you and your husband don't seem to be on the same page with regards to giving in to what your DSD wants. Being a step parent is bloody hard work. But also if partners don't sit down and chat about boundaries and what is acceptable and what not, it can make the whole situation a thousand times worse.

If your husband is constantly giving in because he feels she should have these things but you feel she doesn't within good reason then it can cause major friction in the relationship between you two.

If he's disagreeing with everything you put across it can make someone feel very undermined and question where exactly they fit in to the particular relationship.

[Marne]

Dh gives in as he doesn't want to upset her and doesn't want to have to speak to her mother ( as he hates her), her mothers not a nice person. I'm worried if I deflate her from fb her mother will approach me outside the school (her GD goes to the same school as my dd's ) and tbh I don't want anyone knowing I have anything to do with her. I don't want to cause trouble and I don't want dsd to think I don't want to know her, dsd and I were quite close but she is now making things difficult by asking for things all the time. She doesn't ask her dad as they only have contact via his mobile ( dh does not have fb and she does not have our home phone number due to her mother and dh's son using our details to take out loans ).

I have spoke to dh this morning and he has said to tell her to 'ask your dad ' and then he can say 'no', trouble is I know dh won't always say no as he doesn't want to upset her. We have agreed to offer her some pocket money each week and this will mean she has to use that money if she wants anything ( other than school uniform and the odd school trip which we will happily pay for ), if she asks for anything else we will say 'no'.

[Petal02]

OP, your situation is far, far tougher than mine ever was - but there were many occasions when I could have easily run for the hills.