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Selfish ex and poor dss is stuck in the middle of it all

(63 Posts)
K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 20:30:31

Dh and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we got married in February this year. Dss and I have got a really strong bond since the wedding as he has started telling me he loves me and understands me and his dad are together and I'm his step mum (not that we have pressurised this on him!) anyway, since dh and I have been together the ex has been so unreasonable and selfish since day 1.

Last weekend dss fell ill with a fever and his mum was worried. Dh said to her to take him to the hospital or phone the out of hours doctor if she was really that worried. We would've helped out but we live over 200 miles away. All her family live within 5-10 minutes from her but they've turned against helping her recently and demanded that dh and I go up there, and drop everything to go up and look after him. I am also 4 months pregnant and to be honest I didn't fancy going up there and risk catching what he had (as selfish as it may seem) we run our own business and don't have any reliable staff at the moment so find it difficult to get away.

This has resulted in her not answering dh's phone calls and texts even with him asking how dss is. Now she has got in contact because she wants money for an after school club. Am I the only one who finds this infuriating and unreasonable?!?!

TheMumsRush Fri 18-Oct-13 16:42:28

I don't think it's any of your DH's business what she spends money on, only that he pays what is an acceptable amount. It's up to her to budget it how she sees fit. If that covers the rent for the roof over dss's head, so be it.

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 16:57:07

When he has confronted her on what she spends the money on all she says is rent

Why would he 'confront' her about that?

Every time you post he sounds worse tbh.

trooperlooperdo Fri 18-Oct-13 17:00:15

surely if the mother is witholding the child and not allowing the father contact, for no other reason that other to be a cow; for that time the father is NOT the father so why the hell should he have to pay? It's about time somebody took a group of the mothers outside and gave them a good swift kick up the arse......withholding contact, who the hell do they think they are?

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 17:03:33

Im guessing there is a lot more to this and that the Mum is not the one who is being selfish here.

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 17:11:17

He confronts her on what she spends money on?

How pathetic. £50 a week to help cover food, clothing, footwear, toiletries, gas, electric, water, toys, entertainment, school related activities, travel, rent and countless other expenses is nothing.... There, btw, is the answer to what £50 a week goes on.

Keep posting. Lets find out what other charming things this person does. YOu are making him sound like a right catch..

PatoBanton Fri 18-Oct-13 17:16:10

'When he has confronted her on what she spends the money on all she says is rent. Well I'm sorry but if you have a child you should be expected to provide a roof over their head.'


Isn't that what she is doing?

Or by 'have a child' do you only mean the woman? Doesn't he bear any responsibility towards this child? I presume by 'wasn't planned' you don't mean 'his ex decided to get pregnant on purpose without his knowledge and lied to achieve this aim'?

He has been feeding you a load of codswallop and you have been swallowing it. imo of course

trooperlooperdo Fri 18-Oct-13 17:17:56

"If my ex deducted money because I wouldn't let him see the dc I'd be bloody furious."
Who do you think you are not letting your ex see his child?
"Kids aren't Pay Per View, CM is for the child and shouldn't be used as a weapon or to control the other parent." and yet mothers use their children as weapons and withhold contact or turn the children against their father by whatever means to get back at the ex for whatever bonkers reason

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 17:24:14

Feeding me codswallop? Hmm yes ok when I hear her on the phone to him and see all the messages she sends him I'm sure they're all lies!

It was once that he halved the money.

He's done a lot more than a lot of fathers who live out of their child's life. He has always tried to see dss but she puts holds on when we can see him, where we can take him, how long we can see him for, and when we do see him we have to stay in a hotel and drop him back to his mums when she demands him back; it doesn't matter that we have planned to take him out for the day hmm

SleepyFish Fri 18-Oct-13 17:26:41

So basically this woman is on her own with no family support. Have you any idea how scary that is when your child takes ill in the middle of the night? No? well let's hope you never have to find out.
And what is with the 'we'? You didn't want to go in case you 'caught' something but you didn't have to go or are you surgically attached to your DH?
She is being immature ignoring texts but you and your DH sound like the selfish ones tbh.
Stopping maintenance because of contact issues is beyond the pale.

Kaluki Fri 18-Oct-13 17:32:55

Of course Trooper it works both ways. Mums shouldn't withhold contact but fathers should pay for the children they have fathered regardless of how much they hate their mother. The money is for the child!
OP so DSS wasn't planned? Presumably DP had sex with the child's mother so he must have known that pregnancy was a possibility!!! Either way he's here now and he needs supporting. £50 a week is nothing when you are feeding clothing and putting a roof over a child's head as you will find out when you have yours!

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 17:34:23

This isn't about what other absent parents do. This is about what this one does.
The relationship is not about you. It's about the father and his child. Why are you doubting the things she tells him? Exactly who are you to interfere so much in this relationship? Why is everything about 'we' and not 'they'?

Kaluki Fri 18-Oct-13 17:35:10

My post was badly worded. I have never and will never withhold contact. Just to clear that up!!!

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 17:36:51

Oh and that old bollox about unplanned pregnancy. I suppose as well that she tricked him and didn't take the pill. DOesn't matter that he should have also been responsible to prevent a pregnancy.

purpleroses Fri 18-Oct-13 17:38:01

The ex is being difficult with you.

Trouble is, simply being angry with her isn't going to help, especially if your outrage at her actions boosts your DH on to continue his role in the hostile relationship that they have.

And it really is bloody scary and horrible to be on your own in the night with a sick child. Even if she was just texting out of frustration and anger at your DP, showing her some support and concern over their DS might have gone a long way towards building bridges.

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 17:46:47

She's sent me messages in the past and I've tried a variety of ways to tackle the situation. First of all the nice and friend like way which got me no where, the next time I tried to express that I didn't want to get involved and that her and dh should be concerned about how their arguments and disagreements are affecting dss but she dismissed that and now I just don't want to answer her to fuel her anger more. I have never, ever told dh what to do as I don't want the blame to come back to me that dh could blame his actions on me.

I totally get that dh shouldn't have to pay his way just to see dss, and that maintenance is essential but so is spending quality time with your own son. Isn't that just as important?!

Chandra Fri 18-Oct-13 18:00:53

Ok, see it this way, he pays her £200 a month so she in call carinf for his son needs 24/7, so she can take care of the responsibility of raising his child mostly on her own with no respite (at the end of the day if his son is ill she cannot say that she is too busy with work to take him to the hospital).

If he was trying to get a childminder/nanny to do the same job for a third of the time he will need to pay far too much more than what he is paying and he will still have to drop everything to deal with the child's needs if that nanny service was not available. So she is basically doing the lion share's of the parenting while you aremo ding your own business miles away. No wonder she is angry. I'm sure she would find it difficult and frustrating, far more so wben your musserable husband sees it fit to reduce what he is paying by 50% because of a disagreement? Do you understand she NEEDS that money to raise his son, and in reducing the amount your oh is actually taking it on his own son?

Good luck, brace yourself and pray your relationship lasts, you know now what you can expect of the father of your child if at somepoint the relationship fails.

Chandra Fri 18-Oct-13 18:04:24

Do you realise that she doesn't get to spend much quality time with her own son if she is struggling financially to raise him? You know... Being a parent is not all about having fun in the weekends. hmm

Thants Fri 18-Oct-13 18:07:27

He should be paying equally for his child so it is not unreasonable that she is asking for money.
She was worried about her sons health. You don't know how ill he seemed she may have been really panicking and he dismissed her.

SleepyFish Fri 18-Oct-13 18:09:47

If he's so concerned about the amount of contact why isn't he doing something about it. He can go to court and get a contact order if he's not happy with things as they are.

Chandra Fri 18-Oct-13 18:15:40

It may not be a convenient option for him? It is interesting that many non resident parents (men and women) complain about limited contact time but are not prepared to take the responsibility of having the child around for longer periods. It is just easier to say the resident parent(man or woman) is just being difficult.

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 18:16:07

He did pay £200 now he pays less apparently.

Why all the 'we' why do you need to be present for visits?

I feel sorry for this woman it all sounds like a nightmare and on top of that she has the OPs DHs Dad taking her to court for access?

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 18:24:22

Is there a problem with me wanting to form a bond with my dss? What step parent wouldn't?!

Chandra Fri 18-Oct-13 18:39:41

Op, this is not about bonding, it is about your other half's pettyness.

For what is worth I have a wonderful bond with my exboyfriend's DD, she is still my partner in crime. That doesn't mean however that I am parenting her. We just had some wonderful weekends together. Because good parenting is about putting the needs of the children first, and being agreeable to your oh paying half of the child maintenance doesn't look to me like putting DS' interests first.

Now before somebody think I am unfair, my ex can testify that everytime he started thinking about reducing the financial support he was providing to her ex, I was the first one to give him a good bollocking ;-)

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 18:44:04

No but what about allowing them to bond together. You don't have to be this involved.

Also, why should dh dad involve dh in the contact agreement? It's him that wants to see his gs, so doesn't have to include anyone. Even more so when he will be the one footing the bill..Oh, and like it or not, the child will be informed about the court case, because cafcass will see him. Isn't it better for him to be aware of this beforehand so that he is prepared and is aware of the process, or would it be better for it all to come as a shock?

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 18:47:24

Oh and she is probably pissed because she will be aware that once this child is born, csa will make a further reduction..

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