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First time posting. Need advice ++ New to being a step parent

(11 Posts)
viceroyv Sat 12-Oct-13 22:46:54

Im a young step parent (23) to a four year old girl. My partner and I live together and we have DD 3 days a week. My partner had his daughter when he was 18. He and his daughters mother lived at his grandmothers house for the first few years of his daughters life until they broke up. As a result, his daughters mother has developed a strong relationship with his grandmother, despite her treating him and I pretty crappy. When he goes over to his grandmothers house to visit, his daughters mother will periodically come by also, and they will all sit and eat dinner together and talk and watch tv. On a regular basis, my partner and his ex communicate only about their child via text or short phone calls, and its pretty limited. However, when they are at his grandmothers house, they are there for anywhere between 4-8 hours together and during this time he ignores me and doesnt ever come home and talk to me about his time there, unless i ask how his day was. When ive tried to talk to him about this, he says im letting my insecurities get the best of me. Would it bother anyone else? This happened today, as they all went to church together (he specifically didnt want me/invite me to come with them) and i told him it made me feel left out.

How much time does your spouse spend with his ex and child together, and what do you think about the situation?


elliebellys Sat 12-Oct-13 23:06:00

How long you been together?.it might seem strange,but surely its good they can get on.maybe him not talking bout it might make him feel uncomfortable.who knows.the fact is you have a problem with it so he should understand your you talk to his ex at all?

viceroyv Sat 12-Oct-13 23:08:28

weve been together 2 years. i dont talk to his ex at all. i dont have many examples of single parents around me, so im just unclear on how much time the three of them spending together is "normal". TY for your response!

elliebellys Sat 12-Oct-13 23:12:09

Normal is different to many you trust him?do you believe it to be anythin but spending time with dsd.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 12-Oct-13 23:17:10

Hmm. I had a moment of panic reading this, as my ds is 23 and became a father at 18, and is still very involved, but other details show it's deffo not about my family. Having read your op a few times, I think the real issue here is that he isn't really being supportive of you, laying the blame for your discomfort on you and your supposed "insecurities". That doesn't sit well with me. It's good he and his ex can be amicable, but it would be nice if you were included in these family get-togethers at granny's sometimes.

I see the ex has been difficult in the past, this also happened with my ds, but fortunately it all blew over and they work really well together as parents. My ds is better at forgiving and forgetting than I am blush but I'm there now, but I don't invite her over for cosy chats. Maybe I should.

viceroyv Sat 12-Oct-13 23:19:58

i do trust him. it bothers me most thinking that he is ok with her there, they are there chatting and laughing with his family, when she has treated him so poorly and been so manipulative. If she treated him like an equal, i dont think it would bother me as much them spending time together. It just makes me feel like my partner will be ok with/accept anything that she does.

elliebellys Sat 12-Oct-13 23:31:15

Its good tho that he can let go of the anger,they seem to be able to be ammicable.,maybe in time you can forge a ammicable relationship with ex yourself,stranger things have also wonderin if you wanna post in relationships aswell, ?

viceroyv Sat 12-Oct-13 23:37:51

ill try that too, thanks. i just found this forum today you ladies are great.

purpleroses Sun 13-Oct-13 10:38:32

My ex and I spend about one evening every couple of months together, talking about the kids, arranging diaries, etc, and phone or email him at other times to discuss anything necessary.

My DP spends no time at all talking to his ex about his DCs, except by email as necessary.

What you describe doesn't seem like a good long-term set-up. Is it that your DP likes spending time with his ex and their DC all together? I don't think he is being reasonable in expecting to do lots of that, but also to have you in his life, if his time with his ex involves excluding you. So either he ought to cut the time with his ex right down to what is really needed to communicate about their DD, or he needs to start looking to including you in this. That might mean you letting go of any anger against his ex and just accepting that people change, and especially when they've had children so young they make mistakes, and move on.

Or is it just that he likes to see his gran? If so, could he talk to her to try and arrange to see her when his ex will not be around? Or invite his gran round to yours instead?

Kaluki Tue 15-Oct-13 12:28:15

It's tricky because I can see this from both sides.
On the one hand I get on very well with my ex. We have just done the rounds of looking at secondary schools with DS2 together and I know that DS2 likes having us do stuff with him "like normal kids" (his words), he hates explaining that we aren't together so it suits him to act as though we are for certain occasions like Sports Day, school things etc. However, I do draw the line at social occasions, like dinner, trips out, cinema etc, those things they do with ex and his gf.
My DP and his ex won't speak, they just text. Messages (sometimes horrible ones) are passed via the kids and they haven't been in the same room together since they were in court about 5 years ago! My DSC have suffered so much because their parents can't communicate like adults.
I think the fact that you are excluded is worrying. I would never exclude DP from anything to do with my ex, he isn't bothered by the way things are but he definitely would be if we were having cosy dinners and not inviting him.

Cabrinha Wed 16-Oct-13 13:53:54

It's the exclusion and saying you're insecure that would bother me - not that he is seeing her.

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