Difficult situation

[fubar74]

Hi, I'm new on here but I have a really difficult situation. I've known my Husband since we were babies, we grew up a street apart but didn't start a relationship until 4 years ago, we very recently (June '13) married, he had 3 kids with his ex and I have 2 of my own, mine are 19 and 20 (my youngest is ill and has very little energy and can barely get through the day at college).

His eldest has ADHD and god knows what else (or so his mother says cause its her way of getting extra money via disability and carers allowances). She had an affair with her cousin and my (now) husband left, then we got together about 8 months later. his ex moved away with the kids and cut him out of their lives and poisoned them against him.

So about a month ago his eldest had an argument with his mother and her (now) husband and he was sent back up here as a punishment, only he contacted his father and they re-established their relationship. In the process of doing this is Mother dis-owned him and sold all his belongings (he is 16 and just left mainstream education) so he is now up here and staying with us on our living room floor.

We welcomed him at the beginning, I spent money on him and ferried him around just for us all to end up being disrespected, sworn at, and a whole host of other stuff including him getting involved in smoking weed and coming back stoned. This has caused the almost break up of my own relationship because dad feels he cannot be too hard on him as he has just lost a big chunk of his family but we feel we cannot live with him, and although there is no room at the inn and no one else is stepping up to help, he is determined that he will stay with us, even to the point of us doing a small loft conversion for him to gain a bedroom (I live in a council house and have no funds for this!)

He has been registered with a local council run emergency accommodation for young people but Husbands family don't want him to go there so there's more pressure piled onto us.

My own son (20) has had to deal with being insulted in public over social networking sites and he even asked him to move out so he could have his room!

I have only said one thing to him about his foul language and now I'm the typical evil step-mother.

SS hasn't apologised directly to any of us but has acknowledged to his dad that his behaviour was not good and has 'reverted' to being good (for the time being). This is not the only time he has been like this only to revert and revert back again, so I don't believe in his new found niceness.

I don't want to lose my Husband, but equally I don't want to lose my own Son as he says if his son stays he will leave (and I can't say I blame him) I myself have took a massive step backwards but got into trouble for this off my husband too as he says its not making things any better...

any view or advise is most welcome

J

[MushroomSoup]

No great advice I'm afraid, but I would just say remember your SS is still a vulnerable child deep down and YOUR DS is an adult. He cannot dictate to you what goes on in your own home. If he chooses to leave because DSS is there it is entirely up to him as an adult to make that decision* and it's unfair of him to make it a veiled threat.
I'm not saying you should have DSS with you, just that it's really not up to DS.

[fubar74]

I think you have the wrong end of the stick it is my Husband who is making me feel like I am being emotionally blackmailed, "he stays or I go!" my DS feels very threatened and actually so do I. He is a manipulative boy and pretends to have panic attacks and throwing up just so dad will go running, I can't handle the situation and i know my husband is stuck in the middle but so am I

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Sorry? Why will your DH leave if you DS stays if its your DSS who has issues?

[fubar74]

we are both on the rental papers but originally it was mine, there wouldn't be any question of who gets to stay here but it just seems all so wrong that he may feel he has to choose between us and him, we are his family and we stood by him through 4 years of this crap with them all not the son wants him back and seems determined to split the family up to have his dad back and he's winning.

[fubar74]

China, my DS says he will leave if DSS stays, but if DSS can't stay then DH will leave... making any sense?

[brdgrl]

Oh, fubar. What a mess.
I think maybe you need to draw your lines in the sand. Your DS may be an adult, but it is your choice that he live there, and he has not caused any trouble, I assume from your post, by living there. In your shoes, I would be saying 'if my son leaves, I leave' (by which I mean leave the relationship not the home; let DH and his son go). Of course your DH is free to say the same thing - but you should not be made to feel that you have to choose between your son and your DH this way - your son's age is actually immaterial here. The responsibility for his son lies with your DH.

OK. For a moment, let's put aside any question of any one leaving. This is the family that you have. What needs to happen to make it a home for everyone? What are the rules, and what happens if they aren't followed? Is your DH doing anything about his son?

[AuntySib]

What a horrible situation for you!
From what you say, it sounds like both boys need continued support. It's not surprising that DSS is disturbed, he's clearly been through a very difficult time, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

What's the set-up of your house? Can any of the rooms be changed around, so that he gets some private space ( and so that you can escape from him if necessary)? If not, is it possible for you to get an exchange for a place with an extra room? I know this will be practically impossible in some areas of the country, but may be feasible in others). I think in your position I'd be considering losing the living room temporarily. I can see that you DH feels he can't just chuck him out, at 16 he is still a child, and your DH has a duty to look after him and house him. It is not his fault that his parents separated so acrimoniously, and at 16 lots of teenagers display fairly extreme behaviour and emotions. DSS is probably terrified about what will happen ( having homelessness hanging over your head at that age must be really scary) but as a teenager that is unlikely to make him back down.

What does he do during the day? Has he enrolled into college or got a job? Does he need help with this? He may find that having some control over his own future will help with self-esteem and growing up generally, and you'll find it easier if he's busy during the day.
I think this is going to need long-term input from you and DH, he sounds pretty traumatised.

[fubar74]

Hi sorry for the delay in replying to your questions ladies, thank you for your time and effort.

Our home can't be moved around, its a very small 3 bed, with only one reception room, equally so I can't move into something larger either,

I now know he's been making me out to be something I'm not and even though his Dad knows this is what he is like (and has been in the past about me) he is refusing to acknowledge this, he is obviously petrified that he will lose him again

[fubar74]

It seems that we are now all living a lie, me and my two don't get along with SS, he does what he wants, when he wants and doesn't give two hoots about what his dad says or tells him, its all alcohol and drugs and he just makes us all feel like strangers in our own home, he may only be 16 but I don't feel like we can do anything for him, he should have a place at a supervised house soon, and i think this would be the best way forwards because all he does is cause friction here. At least there he has to do what they say, keep to curfew times and he gets all the help he needs to make him independent (as we obviously don't know anything!) but I know this is against his father's (and his family's) wishes.