DP's love affair with DSS1 strikes again

[Gloriapiano]

I've posted before about my DP and his two sons (16 with special needs and 18) had to name change as my laptop 'forgot' my old password.

Basic backstory is that DP is obsessed with DSS1 and will do anything for him, he'll cancel plans with anyone else for him and he'll bugger up everyone elses time to suit DSS1. He allows DSS1 to dictate what happens on access weekends (dss2 gets no consideration) and he allows DSS1 to call him last minute demanding a lift from an hour away and he'll just run off and do it.

Well dss1 has refused access weekends now for 3 weeks in a row. First week he went away with his girlfriend, 2nd week he said he was ill and this weekend he said he was staying with his girlfriend. He doesn't let us know, he just lets dp arrive to pick them up and discover from their mum that he's not there.

So - DP will do nothing with DSS2 if dss1 isn't there to enjoy it. It's like we only bother organising anything fun if dss1 is here. So for the past 3 weekends poor dss2 has been stuck watching tv all weekend. This weekend DP had decided to take them to see Wolverine at the cinema but because DSS1 didn't come, dp refused to go saying "we'll go next week" (in other words, we'll go when dss1 is here). How is that fair to dss2?? Sunday afternoon DSS1 texts saying "can you pick me up (from an hours drive away) asap please". DP immedietely jumps to attention and runs off to do it (despite saying we wouldn't bother taking dss2 to seaside as we should save the petrol."

So dss1 doesn't want to come on access weekend but he still wants daddy's taxi service? yet dp STILL can't see that DSs1 only wants him when he wants something?

I can't believe how he just abandons plans to do anything with dss2 if dss1 decides not to grace us with his presence. I feel so sorry for dss2. Another thing is that he basically leaves me to look after dss2. Sunday afternoon he was like "can you go and watch scary movie with ds2?" errr why don't YOU go and watch it with him??? god forbid you drag yourself away from the pc for 5 minutes.

Last week he accused me of making dss2 feel unwelcome here. Pot. Kettle.Black. Just sick of it. It's fucked up.

[Pantone363]

He's 18?

[CinnabarRed]

Why is DSS1 still having "access visits"? He's 18, an adult.

[elliebellys]

Why on earth is your dp still expectin an 18 year old to come on every access weekend,thats absurd,will he still expect it when hes in his twentys?..poor ds2,im surprised he still wants to visit his dad he must feel so unwanted..its nice that he at least gets support from you.

[CinnabarRed]

Actually, just seen your other thread in Relationships - this is the least of your worries really, isn't it?

[Gloriapiano]

exactly! I loved my dad to bits but even at 12 I used to hate access weekends because they were boring! I wanted to be with my mates, not stuck miles away with my dad. At 18 I was working full time, going away by myself - almost married infact! access weekends at that age would have made me laugh!
I have tried explaining this to dp but it falls on deaf ears.

Poor DSS2 has rather severe learning difficulties (autism) so I think the general consensus is "oh its ok, he doesn't notice".

[Gloriapiano]

No cinnabarred, it bothers me greatly because I feel like I should be an advocate for poor dss2 and the responsibility of it is bringing me down.

[mumblechum1]

If your DSS is 18, "contact weekends" are no longer really a matter of law, as they will have been when the children were younger. As the second DSS is 16 now, the same applies.

Usually court-ordered contact ends at this stage, so for one thing, I don't think your dh should be thinking of this as something that has to be regular.

Most 18 year olds do their own thing, live their own lives, as they are of course adults. If your DSS1 doesn't want to see his dad for fixed weekends fair enough, they can maybe just sort something out between themselves. DH and I are together, but DS will from time to time ask DH if he fancies going out for dinner/a few beers, and vice versa. I don;t see any reason at all for your DSS1 to feel obliged to see his dad at weekends now that he will have a life of his own, and that they should just see each other on an ad-hoc basis.

To a lesser degree, maybe, because of the age difference, I think the same should apply to the younger DSS, although if he's still at the stage of actively wanting to spend the whole weekend with his dad, your dh should certainly make the most of the time, not just sit in watching TV.

I think the approach to take is what would be happening in a family where the family hadn't split up; not many teenage boys of 16 and 18 would actively choose to spend 48 hours solid with their dad; they'd be drifting in and out, maybe grabbing a bacon butty together on the Saturday lunchtime, otherwise bumping into each other on their way in and out of their own activities (seeing their mates, mainly).

Your dh should, in my view, relax about the whole "contact weekend" thing now that the boys are grown/growing up, but if the younger one still want sto do the weekend thing, he should be putting a lot more effort in. And certainly not giving him lifts from an hour away; at that age he should be either driving or at least capable of using public transport.

[mumblechum1]

Sorry, cross posted, didn't realise the younger one has SN. Even more reason for your dh to try to make the weekends with him fun.

[mumblechum1]

What's going to happen when your DSS1 goes to Uni, presumably in about 6 weeks????

[elliebellys]

Gloria,iv just seen your other thread.one question.what on earth are you gettin out of this relationship?.he,s got no love or respect for any of you.you deserve so much more than this.i feel heartbroken for you .you cant carry on like this.

[CinnabarRed]

I wasn't having a dig - but surely the fact that he's a selfish, rude, unreasonable fucker to all of you (other than DSS1) is the issue - of which this is just one manifestation?

[Gloriapiano]

DSS1 won't go to uni. His grades from school were not good so he's doing a number of college courses (with the minimum amount of hours required ) and won't get a part time job. His girlfriend has just landed herself a 3 week job looking after wildlife in Ireland where she'll be travelling by herself and living by herself for 3 weeks. I wonder does this not make DSS1/DP realise how immature/reliant he is?

[brdgrl]

it bothers me greatly because I feel like I should be an advocate for poor dss2 and the responsibility of it is bringing me down.

Gloria, I saw your earlier threads. It's awful, but I don't know what you can do, if your DP can't see how unhealthy his behaviour is for all of you. Both your DSS's are being damaged.

Is there any chance of your DP seeing the light on this? If not, how long are you prepared to carry thsi load?

[Gloriapiano]

No I do see what you're saying Cinna - I suppose I'm just trying to make sense of it all and this is one thing I can isolate and say "this isn't right is it"

[Gloriapiano]

brdgrl I don't think he ever will understand. I've said to him over and over again "at 18 he probably won't want to keep to a strict access weekend arrangement" and he'll just change the subject or ignore me. He's so desperate to cling on to his dss1 that he will drop everything to run off and do exactly what he says, often last minute. I've said how unfair this is to everyone else and I get my head bitten off. I've said "if dss1 is going to make a habit of missing access weekends we need to make sure dss2 still gets to do fun stuff" and then he snaps at me "it's YOU always going on about money! thats why I won't do anything with my kids" - except when dss1 is here, right? You're worried about money yet you'll happy do a two hour drive there and back to taxi dss1 around yet we can't "afford" a 40 minute drive to the seaside to entertain dss2?

Even his mother this weekend tried hinting that her eldest grandson takes the piss somewhat with the taxi thing and dp completely ignored her.

DSS1s own mother refuses to do it. I just don't know what to do. Totally detach from it all I suppose. Work overtime. Just keep out of the way. And to think I actually wanted to marry into this a few months back. Thank god he said no.

[elliebellys]

Gloria,you can manage financially without him,yes it will be tough,but at least you wont be apart of this awful situation.he only cares about himself,unless he agrees to get some help he will never change,how long are you prepared to be put through this.

[catsmother]

I remember your other threads - I think I might have commented upon at least one of them. I've also just read your other thread in relationships in which you very clearly described how his selfishness isn't just related to his attitude towards DSS1.

I feel very sorry for both you and DSS2 - and presumably your own son too gets the sh*tty end of the stick seeing as nothing is ever done unless DSS1 can also be involved - which is rather ridiculous when he's an adult and leading his own life. It strikes me as if your DP is actually obsessed with his eldest, in a way which goes beyond even the Disney Dads often moaned about on this board. Quite what you can do about that however when your attempts to speak diplomatically about it all - and when you're coming at it from DSS2's perspective (who, as he has special needs, is arguably more deserving of his dad's attention and no-one would begrudge that) - are completely rebuffed and/or responded to in a verbally aggressive manner. IIRC, he also won't countenance any sort of counselling .... quite possibly because he knows bloody well deep down he's in the wrong, but for reasons unknown isn't prepared to relinquish this DSS1 "obsession".

What I'd do TBH, is concentrate all my efforts from now on on a get out plan. I know you've said you can't leave immediately and I understand that - but don't waste any more emotional energy on trying to "fix" him or "persuade" him (to behave more fairly) in the meantime. It's too draining to be continually knocked back as you are. As for all the pampering he expects as his right while showing zero sympathy for your very real migraines (other thread) I'd stop that right away - selfish bastard - who the hell does he think he is ? IGNORE his bloody pathetic childish whingeing when you refuse to jump to his command - sounds like so far he's been doing all the taking and you've been doing all the giving. Get some legal advice about splitting asap - knowledge is power ..... maybe, once you've spoken for example to the CAB, you might find it's not so impossible to split as you think, but really, your situation sounds so unhealthy and it can't be good for you or your kids. It's very very sad he also seems to have a block with DSS2 - maybe this is because he has special needs, who knows, poor lad - but at the risk of sounding very hard hearted, that situation shouldn't stop you doing what you need to do - even if it's a long term plan that's going to take some time to realise.

[mumblechum1]

Everything that Catsmother just said.

[Gloriapiano]

Thanks for the replies

[thefattwins]

I think it is clear what your DP should do (ie. what you, and other posters have said) the question, will he ever do it? Will he ever listen to you? and if not, what are you going to do about it?

It is hard to leave, especially when you feel like the only one on DSS2's side. But as hard as it is to accept, it isn't your fault, or your problem. And as he's 16, I'm sure soon enough he will just stop seeing his Dad, and the older one will continue to lack any respect for his Dad and just see him when it suits.

He will lose all three of you and then he can spend as much time on his stupid PC as he likes while you live your lives.

But I'm sure he'll change... right?