Seems I have driving a wedge between dp & his son. So what now??

[Skylit]

Dp been divorced 3 years and has two teen boys (16 & 17). They visit dp every Saturday night and in those 3 years neither have ever missed an access weekend. We got together a year ago, I met the boys, all fine, we got on well, no problems, it seemed they had both accepted me however dss1 has been used to ruling the access visits and dictating activities etc, often to the detriment of everyone else. Dp and I moved in together and although the first few weekends went without any issues, dss1 continued to make unreasonable demands and eventually I just had to say something and make dp realise that bending over backwards to please dss1 was damaging his relationships with everyone else, including me and dss2. So last weekend Dss1 requested that we go camping for two nights. Dp said no as a) it didn't fit with my working hours and b) it would make things difficult for dss2 and his mother. As a result, dss1 refused to come to access weekend and instead spent the weekend with his girlfriend.
This weekend - dss requested that we go camping but at a specific site that HE wanted to go to which was a bird spotting 'ultra quiet' site ... Totally unsuitable for everyone else in the family. So dp said no but said we'd go camping at a site that suited everyone. Low and behold ... Dss decides he's too ill to visit and not only refuses to come over but doesn't even bother going to the door to see dp when he goes to pick up dss2.
Number if issues going on here ... As dss1 is almost 18 it's inevitable that he will want independence, make his own plans and want less rigid access weekends but dp does not understand this and when he gets down of pissed off will blame me for his son no longer wanting to visit. What do I do? Back off? Detach? Accept that dss1 comes before everyone else or continue to 'put my foot down' on Disney dad behaviour??

[Skylit]

Just to add - even after all this dp still insists on favouring dss1. We finally decided to go to car racing last night however because dss1 didn't come, dp decided there was no point in going. Bollocks to dss2 and the rest of the family! So we ended up staying in all night as dp couldn't bare to go out and have fun without dss1. So he even managed to dictate this weekend despite not even coming over

[edam]

That sounds all wrong. WTF is dp doing, favouring his ds1 like this, to the point of 'not bothering' to do anything nice with ds2?

[Notagaindamnit]

I don't see this as you driving a wedge between them.
I see you as the reasonable party pointing out odd and probably damaging behaviour.
Is there a third party, pils, anybody who knows the family better, who could possibly have a chat with dh?
I'm trying couple counseling and although there have been some major successes (therapist basically insisting dh change odd behaviour re dsc), its as if a new problem suddenly emerges to take over from the old?!?
I'm stumped myself atm but can at least offer moral support and a thumbs up that you are a lovely person, actually trying to protect dss2.

[brdgrl]

There was a very similar thread about a week ago - called DSS1 rules us all. Have a look, some good advice there maybe?

[dontgowadingin]

Is this actually the same person that keeps posting about dss?