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Step-parenting

Feeling Left Out

10 replies

sparklebabe · 17/07/2013 11:21

I'm new here, but guess I just want a bit of a rant. My bf has 3 dc from a previous relationship and lately I have just been feeling so left out and unhappy. We've been together about 2 years and I have met them briefly once. They all still do family days out together which I'm not invited to and there was one thing I really wanted to go to but I couldn't. It's just really getting on my nerves as I feel like I'm just a mistress. I actually do get on fairly well with his ex and we will text each other occasionally about bfs Christmas / birthday presents etc! What would you do, aibu feeling like this?

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nenevomito · 17/07/2013 11:23

It won't get any better.
I met my DSD after 6 months, which was about right as it meant he was sure I was a long term thing.

If he's still cutting you out after two years, it sounds like he wants to keep the two parts of his life separate.

On the bright side, never meeting his children means you don't have to put up with the angst that brings.

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Kaluki · 17/07/2013 11:53

Does his ex wife go on these family days out?
Why do you text his ex about his christmas/birthday presents?
It sounds like he is having the best of both worlds and you are just on the back burner for when his kids /ex wife aren't around.
I wouldn't put up with it.

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sparklebabe · 17/07/2013 11:58

Yup she goes with them. She will text me usually asking if he already has something so she can get him something from the kids. I don't think he does it on purpose I don't actually think he is comfortable on his own with children, which sounds ridiculous but I think he has the ex there as a comfort blanket if that makes sense. However I don't think it would hurt to try and involve me a bit, but tbh it's all starting to get on my nerves. I know the ex is also a bit nervous that I don't have kids of my own so thinks I wouldn't know what I was doing. But it's not like I've not been around children before.

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Kaluki · 17/07/2013 12:00

I get that. DP was like that when we met - he had no confidence in himself as a father and his dc used to run riot when he had them on his own so he spent most of his time with his parents or his sister.
You should speak to him. Surely he knows this is unreasonable.

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Tittypulumpcious · 17/07/2013 12:21

Have you talked to him? Maybe suggest you all have lunch or dinner at yours you him and his kids?

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sparklebabe · 17/07/2013 12:50

I have spoken to him about how I feel but he said that I was overthinking and shouldn't feel left out as I am special to him (easy for him to say and totally besides the point). I may suggest all doing something together, but if he's not confident enough to have them by himself should I also invite the ex so that she may also gain some confidence seeing me with children?

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Tittypulumpcious · 17/07/2013 13:02

I wouldn't invite the ex, they are his children too and if he's not feeling confident than I think that is something he needs to work on. It's easy to say nice things but actions speak louder than words and if you both see a future together and want to be a part of his life this includes his children.

You might really like them and get on with them and then they have and extra person to love them! Maybe a chat about why he doesn't see them alone?

My dh was a bit of a disney dad, drove me up the sodding wall but we're getting there and I do tell him what a fab dad he is (he really is despite his occasional mickey ears!) and he appreciates that.

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sparklebabe · 17/07/2013 13:13

I try to be accommodating as I remember how difficult for me it all was as a child in a step family, with all the changes and different rules. I do try to encourage him and suggest he offers to have them himself so that his ex can get out and do stuff but his poor little face fills with panic. I also worry that if he does jump into just having them with me and not by himself they may be more resentful that I'm getting in between him and mummy, as I remember my brother (step) would tell everyone he hated them 10 times a day!
Ahhh guess I will just have to keep trying to talk to him but he's not the best with communication. Men! Lol!

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PrettyPaperweight · 17/07/2013 13:38

He needs to learn to be a Dad independently and that means without his ex or you there! It sounds like he's good at presenting as helpless, based on the way you refer to him - his poor little face fills with panic - is more the way a mother would refer to a child, not a partner!

If hes not confident, then find some local parenting classes and encourage him to go; but on his own! He can share what he learns with you in time but he really should learn to be a Dad before you become stepmum!

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sparklebabe · 17/07/2013 13:52

PrettyPaperweight I agree completely! Also with the poor little face comment, that is just how I generally speak when writing....don't really know why? Generally in life he's not Mr Helpless just when it comes to the kids. In some respects I can see it being quite daunting for him to be alone with them, after never having done it before. I have friends in intact families whose partners stay at their parents when the Mums go away. But you're right he is going to have to learn, because if the ex meets someone else I'm not sure that this will continue. Will have a look for parenting classes for him.

In some respects I do wish his ex would just hand them to him for a day and say it's your turn now. Being thrown in the deep end would leave him with no choice but to get on with things! But is nowt to do with me.

Thanks for all the advice, will have a chat with him again tonight.