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Step-parenting

I just wanted to say goodbye and good luck...

75 replies

Fenton · 10/06/2013 11:16

I am not flouncing from MN but I will very soon be hiding the Step-parenting topic.

Help with step-parenting problems is what first brought me to MN, and through the crap I got a lot of support from some lovely, wise and experienced step mothers, and I'm so grateful.

Most of my SP woes are in the past now and I do try to post help and support where I can - but I'm sick of the views against step mothers on here, the taring with the same brush, the massive assumptions, the sweeping generalisations which seem reserved just for this area of the site, - it's been the same since I've been here but recently it seems intensified - it's relentless and exhausting and I don't have the fight to keep arguing 'our' corner.

I did everything I could for my step children to help them feel important, included, equal, part of my family. - When my own children arrived I made massive sacrifices and compromises to continue this and it sickens me to constantly read the view 'you knew what you were taking on when you got with someone with children..'

No-one knows what it will be like to be a stepparent, do we know what the rest of our lives as parents will be when we have our first child? of course not.

A parent posts "I am at the end of my tether, my child is so badly behaved/ won't sleep at night - I'm so tired/ he says he hates me/ she's jealous of the new baby/ she won't do her homework and lies to the teachers.." do they get told "suck it up, you knew what you were getting into when you had children" ??

Enough said.

Good luck to you all, it's been emotional.

OP posts:
TeaMakesItAllPossible · 10/06/2013 11:23

hear, hear.



NatashaBee · 10/06/2013 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 10/06/2013 11:37

You are so right, fenton, and I absolutely understand how you feel.
You are right that it has intensified, although I think it is a cyclical sort of thing...every so often, there is a renewed campaign, IYKWIM.

I have had the same thoughts and I know other women who have left the boards over the exact same issues. I am sad that you are going, because we all need support. It's a shame that we can't expect the same level of support (from MN/other posters) as the other mums on mumsnet. It really is.

I'm pm-ing you with my email and if you ever want to just vent or have a sympathetic ear, do email me. Good luck with your family. x

Petal02 · 10/06/2013 11:50

I'll be sorry to see you go, Fenton. You seem like the sort of girl who I'd drink wine with.

Take care.

Fenton · 10/06/2013 12:19

I'm glad you mentioned 'venting' brdgrl (you are always bird girl in my head, btw)

Because we all need to vent don't we? but where parents are allowed to say 'ARRRGGGHH that's it, I cannot put up with my child's behaviour!!!' and get a sympathetic ear, a stepmother cannot under ANY circumstances say anything negative about a stepchild without " Sad you sound like you don't even like him, and he knows it Sad "



Petal Wine chin, chin my love Wine

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 10/06/2013 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fenton · 10/06/2013 12:33

I am ok, lovely MrsD, - just feeling rather defeated in this particular area now, but since it was my original MN 'home' I wanted to bid it farewell.

Smile

OP posts:
Stepmooster · 10/06/2013 12:37

Thanks Fenton, you really summed it up quite well for us step mums. I would just like to echo what you put, "I got a lot of support from some lovely, wise and experienced step mothers, and I'm so grateful."

I too am so grateful to all the very experienced step mothers out there on MN offering words of wisdom and suggestions that have made such a difference to how I parent and step-parent over the last last years or so.

I would like to buy you all a a glass of Wine and Flowers.

travellingwilbury · 10/06/2013 12:38

My step mum is and was fab , in the same way that any other mum is .

I have no doubt that we drove her to distraction sometimes and it must have been really hard for her at times but she never showed it and in fact it wasn't for her being so lovely I am sure that I wouldn't have had half as much to do with my dad over the years (he is also lovely but rubbish at keeping in touch)

I am always really surprised at the responses on here to step mums , in rl I just don't see it , people seem to understand better thankfully.

Cavort · 10/06/2013 12:40

I completely agree Fenton. I steer clear of the SP boards for the sake of my sanity. It would be much better if only SP's commented on other SP's posts. Those who have actually walked a mile in our shoes are the only people qualified to have an opinion.

Fragglewump · 10/06/2013 12:46

Sad! I'm a step mum and struggle often, not because I'm a crap parent but juggling dsc's my own dcs, their new half sibling and all the associated exes and new partners is a difficult tightrope to walk. It's exhausting, often thankless and full of emotions which sometimes get too much. I would love to get support here but can't say how unbearably crap it sometimes is - for fear of being flamed by others who obviously have perfect lives may or may not be step parents themselves.

parttimer79 · 10/06/2013 12:46

recently it seems intensified < this
I have only been posting for a few months but I've noticed a distinct change in tone.
I would happily take on board balanced advice from anyone, regardless of their step/or not status but it has started to feel like a witch hunt rather than an open and constructive exchange of views. Sad

Fenton · 10/06/2013 14:04

This is crap, as we speak another stepmother is being made to feel like a second rate, worthless piece of crap.

and all I can do is this {FentonHug?} - exactly why I need to step away.

Sad

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 10/06/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fenton · 10/06/2013 14:32

LoL Natasha!!

How very offended I was too !!!

Grin

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NatashaBee · 10/06/2013 14:59

This reply has been deleted

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StillSlightlyCrumpled · 10/06/2013 15:09

I dip in & out of MN as a whole nowadays anyway but particularly on the step-parenting boards as well as SN, mainly because I wholly object to being classed as all the same because we happen to have a step child etc. I actually think I step parent differently to quite a few on here, & had a few heated comments sent my way recently for putting forward a different point of view.

I 100% agree with the needing to vent, it is grossly unfair that unless you are the birth parent of a child you can't roll your eyes & moan about them - on an anonymous forum! My own children get on my bloody nerves a lot sometimes, as did my step children when they were younger.

Kaluki · 10/06/2013 15:10

Ah Fenton what a shame - although I completely understand why.
The latest batch of SM haters are a particularly nasty bunch.
I have developed the hide of a rhino so most of the nasty stuff bounces off me but I hate to think of first time posters having to take all that shit from women who have no bloody idea what life as a SM is like.
I'll keep n eye out for you when I am lurking on the other boards!
Wine here's to step mums everywhere!!!

littlediamond33 · 10/06/2013 16:49

I agree with op.i am a step mum who more often than not finds it tough going.i posted on mn to ask for advice.The replies i got were sooo un-friendly and almost nasty.no help at all.i read the step parenting mn forum but do not post anymore :(

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2013 16:52

Don't know anything about it but sorry to see you go.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2013 16:52

Argh, sorry, that came up in Active and I assumed it was in flouncer's corner. Sorry.

Fenton · 10/06/2013 16:55

It's the thought that counts LRD, thank you Smile

I should stop posting on here soon actually because although I have now hidden SPing, this is still on threads I'm on.

Must not click. Must not click..

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Timeforabiscuit · 10/06/2013 17:03

Not a step parent - but have nothing but admiration for anyone in a step parent role - No real rights, no real say, head bitten off at the slightest provocation and to top it off you usually get handed the shitty end of the childcare stick.

and if you can't moan on an anonymous web forum where the blardy heck can you?

and I only got an appreciation for this on here by people discussing it.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/06/2013 17:04

and now for that thread on the use of commas...

Dumpylump · 10/06/2013 17:23

Ah Fenton I totally get where you're coming from, but have to say how sad I am that someone who could give advice and help from a position of understanding, is no longer going to be hanging around here.
I have been a step mum for four years now, have been a mnetter for longer, and quickly learnt that sometimes it wasn't the best idea to post here looking for a bit of support or a friendly ear when a vent was needed!
It seems to be a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing...and if I hear "you knew what you were getting into" one more time....! No I didn't actually, nobody does - not really. My life definitely hasn't panned out the way I thought it would, some bits are better, and some bits, well, they're not.
Anyway, sorry you're leaving us, but don't blame you Thanks

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