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How to handle this??

(9 Posts)
Smugfearnleyshittingstool Thu 23-May-13 21:09:29

Dp has 2dc, as do I, none together. My dc spend EOW with their dad, and address dp by his name despite being quite young, tis has never been an issue at all, we all get along ok mostly and they have good relationships with their dad and my dp.

Dp's ex and her new partner of a year are encouraging the children to call him dad, and my dp daddy. Her new partner has his own children so I really don't understand why they are putting such pressure on the children to do this. Dp's son will constantly refer to the new partner as dad even though we have very gently explained that he has one daddy, it's all very upsetting for every one dp's DD said tonight that he won't answer them unless they say dad? Dp is really hour over this and I don't have a clue how to Handle it.....any advice?

quoteunquote Thu 23-May-13 21:13:05

Have you asked their mother why she wants them to call her partner dad?

LemonBreeland Thu 23-May-13 21:15:25

I think your DP needs to speak to his ex and tell her he doesn't want that.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool Thu 23-May-13 21:19:44

Thanks for reply. Dp has not approached her at all about this yet as I don't think he wanted her to have the benefit of knowing it's hurting him, but she really is using the children to get at him I feel now.

lunar1 Thu 23-May-13 22:36:14

My mum forced me and my db to do the same. Your dh needs to speak to his ex and ask her to stop. I hated it it tore me apart, it was one of the worst things she did to us in a long list of crappy decisions.

quoteunquote Fri 24-May-13 00:15:47

EOW - is that every other weekend?

why not have them more and it will cease to be an issue, if you split the time, go fifty fifty.

Is she trying to "make" it more family like,

Your husband could always ask her if she minds them calling you mum?

purpleroses Fri 24-May-13 08:33:52

Not sure about him speaking to his ex to ask her to stop. Would only work if she's doing it inadvertently and would actually be inclined to change things in order not to hurt him. My guess would be that she knows full well it will hurt him and is doing it anyway/for that reason. Your DP is probably the best judge of her character.

Think the best thing you all can do is probably not to put further pressure on the kids, but just to continue calling him by name whenever you refer to him. The DCs may start to follow suit and realise that he's called XX in your house, not dad. You could also talk to the kids directly to see how they feel about it. If they are really unhappy about it, that's a conversation they need to have with their mum themselves. Or just stand up for themselves and tell him firmly that he is not their dad. If they're not bothered or are too young to have a view then you're faced with potentially upsetting them a great deal in an effort to change something you probably just can't change.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool Fri 24-May-13 22:17:40

Thanks everyone. As we predicted she denied ever requesting that they call him dad and thinks we are making the children lie? But quickly diverted the subject to issues she has with us like hair brushing etc so it was a complete waste of time even mentioning it.
She now insists that we only feed the children things that the will eat without any fuss... Ie crap! They are not to be upset by requests from their father to eat dinner...... This blended malarky is hard at times, a real shame really as the kids all get on so well.

NanaNina Sat 25-May-13 01:16:31

Oh gawd the point scoring of some of these parents. I was (still am) a step mother but they are all grown up now as are my kids, but it's not something I would recommend, as I remember sooo many problems of one sort or another. The thing that jumps out of this for me is that your DP's DD said that her mom's DP "won't answer them unless they call him dad" - that I think is very worrying, as in my opinion this shows a very insecure person who covers this up with being controlling. The mother should step in and stop this nonsense, but she doesn't, so that indicates to me that the DP is the dominant partner, and that is going to be a matter of concern to your DP if that is the case.

I would believe the child who told her dad about this other man refusing to answer them unless they called him dad - why would a child say this if it weren't true and of course their mom is going to deny it. You are so right (and love your phrase "blended malarkey") is very hard at times. The only advice I can offer is to try not to get involved in any daft issues about food and hair brushing - FFS!! But yes I well remember food was a favourite for arguments.........you sound very well grounded so I reckon you can keep this boat afloat - great that thekids all get on so well. The good thing is..............they all grow up and make up their own minds about who they will visit and what they will eat etc etc etc.!!!

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