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Family in tatters - again :-(

(5 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Sun 24-Mar-13 14:29:06

Since DsD started having contact with DP and I again, the DSC's mum has re-launched her campaign of alienation - she's quite blatant about it and openly admits to DP that she tells the DCs that she doesn't want them to see/speak to him but that she will always 'give them the choice' whether they want to or not.

Last time she did this, DSS wasn't as badly impacted as DSD - with some youth counselling he learnt to deal with his mums disapproval. This time he's older (9), and because DSD is no longer affected by her Mums attitude, the focus of the alienation seems to be on DSS. He's really struggling now. He seems to be convinced that his Mum will somehow find out if he 'enjoys' spending time with his Dad and he is detaching himself from the family more and more. He's no longer prepared to go against his mums wishes and refuses to speak to the counsellor again; he is almost paralysed by fear of 'making a mistake' in his Mums eyes, even when he's with us.

I'm sure it won't be long before DSS 'opts out' of contact with DP - with his mums blessing and encouragement - but at least this time, DP has some hope that contact will resume when he's older like it has with DSD.

purpleroses Sun 24-Mar-13 15:06:48

Sorry to hear that. Is your DSD able to talk to DSS at all to share her feelings on it all, and reassure him it's OK to be happy with his dad?

NotaDisneyMum Sun 24-Mar-13 16:24:10

They don't have a brilliant relationship tbh - we've not had both of them together for more than a few minutes at a time since DSD rejoined us - but when they have been together, DSD seems to fall into the role of 'mum' and nags DSS mercilessly!

Increasingly, DSS is critical/condemning of his DSis; he no longer has any respect or time for her because she has disobeyed their mum. I feel sorry for DSD because she may well lose her brother as well as her mum if she chooses to stay in touch with her Dad sad

purpleroses Sun 24-Mar-13 19:30:13

That's a shame. She's the one person who is really well placed to help him understand that it's OK to love both his parents, even if they don't like each other. I've overheard my DCs chatting to each other a few times about differences between values and ways of doing things in different houses and can see it's good for them to share with each other. But they're luckier because that's all it is - differences in values, etc - we're not openly slagging each other off.

If he's seeing his mum badmouth his older sister because she's disobeyed her to see her dad, then that's bound to be hard for him. Are you able to reassure him that his mum does still love DSD?

NotaDisneyMum Sun 24-Mar-13 21:12:47

The problem is purple that DSD mum has made it clear that DSD will have to choose between contact with her Dad or the love of her Mum sad Regardless of what DP and I say, and how I reinforce that mums always love their DCs (and I'm a mum so I should know) he clearly doesn't believe us, it's almost as if she's primed him for us saying that.

The DSC mum is so adamant that the DCs do not need a father in their lives (after all, she didnt have a Dad and it didn't do her any harm) that she considers it a personal insult if DSD chooses to have a relationship with him. She has a lot of narc characteristics and one if them is to reject anyone in her life who does not mimic/share her own opinions.

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that DSS may have to go through the same rejection of DP as DSD did - it's going to be a lot tougher on me this time because I've bonded with him in a way I never did with DSD before she stopped contact.

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