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When you really dislike your DSC's mother and see her traits in them and it affects the way you feel about them?

(96 Posts)
madonnawhore Fri 15-Mar-13 17:34:13

How do you deal with it?

I feel like a horrible, shitty person.

Stepmooster Sat 16-Mar-13 21:51:01

Right to veto Oh yes that wicked stepmother trait of just deciding on a whim to deny our DP's contact with their much loved and mostly much missed children out of spite.

Why my ex should have to 'consult' to be allowed to spend time with his own children in his own home is beyond me. I'm sorry, but I really don't get that. I feel really sorry for the poor love who is with your ex, not only is she made to feel like she doesn't exist by her DSC's mother, but she is also not expected to have a voice in her own home when the ex wants the DSC's to come over at a time not previously agreed, when it's not always convenient. It doesn't matter how much notice you give, you don't get to dictate what happens in someone else's life without consulting them first.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 22:16:02

I think that it needs to be realised that the father and step mother are an item and need to be consulted together. It is extremely difficult to have last minute arrangements when you are unaware of them. You don't generally with your own children - you have advance warning to get childcare and you have a network of help. e.g. with my own child - if I unexpectedly get them when I had something important on like work or a hospital appointment I could drop them off with a neighbour, my mother or a friend, but I can imagine the fuss if I suddenly got a step child, I would be labelled the wicked step mother if I did the same- and yet you can't just drop everything - and why should you if you are treated like paid help?
In my home I am quite happy to be as helpful and as flexible as possible, but not if it all goes through DP and I am just 'told' what is happening.

Bonsoir Sat 16-Mar-13 22:40:22

Especially when the person doing the telling is your DP's exW. Having to live at her beck and call - the idea is outrageous!

exoticfruits Sat 16-Mar-13 23:02:20

I always get the impression that the stepmother is supposed to be a shadowy figure in the background, like a well trained servant, oiling the wheels so that DP and his children can spend quality time alone!
In reality they are a family, they will spend time alone with step mother, go out alone with step mother, have step granny around, be ferried to Brownies or similar by step mother so therefore stepmother needs to be consulted. If they do take at the last minute, in an emergency, the mother has to realise that the neighbour might look after them for an hour or step granny- just like you would with your own children in an emergency. .

Bonsoir Sun 17-Mar-13 07:27:41

I suspect that many mothers are in denial about the role that stepmothers play in their DCs' lives, hence a tendency to underplay their importance and, indeed, accord them a sort of shadowy housekeeper role.

I know that my DP's exW is in denial about the role I play in the DSSs' life - it would require too much painful self-examination and acknowledgement of her own shortcomings to realise just how much I have influenced their upbringings.

exoticfruits Sun 17-Mar-13 07:44:06

They seem to want the impossible-on the one hand you are supposed to be accommodating, drop your own plans and open your home -and on the other be invisible while they are there 'seeing their father' as if it is only him they come to see and you are just a murky figure who cooks and cleans in the background.
In actual fact the child is coming to see you both as part of the family and will muck in as part of the family, is just as likely to see and do things with the step mother as the father, and therefore they need to be consulted as a family.
If my mother wants to come and stay she discusses it with both me and my DH, she doesn't say 'exotic is my DD, I don't need to discuss it with her DH,' so I don't see why any other member of the family is different.

Bonsoir Sun 17-Mar-13 07:48:54

Inevitably one isn't a murky figure in the background but I do understand that it is very hard for many mothers (even my own DSSs' very unmaternal mother) to accept that their exH's second wife or partner will influence their DCs' life and thinking.

Libby10 Sun 17-Mar-13 12:15:21

It is a matter of showing some basic consideration. My DP always checks with me re holidays etc. most times he could just go ahead and say yes but I appreciate the concern that he shows for my feelings. These decisions do impact on me. I also know that DP's ex's BF has been unhappy when she has agreed to holidays without checking with him first. I think the OP might feel better if at least it was acknowledged that changes affected her too.
I would also say that in our case, the SC have not always been welcome to drop in at their mum's house on the days when they were with us and I know of other instances where this is the case.

theonewiththenoisychild Sun 17-Mar-13 12:26:57

dsd may be picking up her mother's traits but as a female role model in her life she will pick up traits from you too maybe her mother will be unhappy about that maybe she won't but my point is you dp and dsd's mum all have influence on dsd so maybe concentrate on showing dsd a good example

Quiltsgalore Sun 17-Mar-13 15:30:51

My dh has been just been summoned to exw to discuss the new 50:50 arrangements starting after Easter. I could have "come along" but chose not to. We have own way of doing things, our house our rules. Which is partly why dss wants to move in: we have rules.
Dh isn't the nanny and I'm not the housekeeper. And, yes, it's still hard work getting dsc to accept that! But we're getting there.
And the more confident dh and I are as a team, the more secure his dc feel and the lesser their need to parrot their mum.

Theydeserve Sun 17-Mar-13 20:17:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mumandboys123 Sun 17-Mar-13 20:54:22

stepmooster how utterly insulting. The 'poor love' (the current 'poor love') that my ex is currently with (one in a long line...) has plenty of say what goes on her home and indeed, has never yet been asked to care for our children outwith the normal contact arrangements my ex and I have. Oh, other than the two weeks I asked my ex to have them during the summer when I had to complete a training course to be able to get on a teacher training course - they had 5 months notice of that and I told my ex about it the same day I found out about it. Indeed, she has the pleasure of living mortgage free with a man who is on a very high wage whilst he doesn't pay any of that towards the children he just about manages to see one night a week and the occassional Saturday night when it suits him.

But hey, us 'mothers' who work hard and are independent of our exs, bring up our children as best we can 13 days out of 14 really don't deserve any kind of life, do we?

elliebellys Sun 17-Mar-13 21:42:52

Really makes me laugh on here,the ops partner was at fault for not disscussin with his partner but hey just blame the ex wife.

Theydeserve Sun 17-Mar-13 22:33:10

Kids are never convenient be they your own or someone elses.

It is a shame that step children are considered an inconvenience by all sides.

Parenting for the birth parents is 24/7 365 days per annum, it does not take into account court orders, pre made plans, other peoples wishes and whims - you have to bend on all sides at all times. Fault can be apportioned depending on how you feel abut the situation - just try and tell a kid that Dad / Mum only bothers about them on set days decided by the court and outside that time - tough otherwise someone will get their nose out of joint!

theredhen Mon 18-Mar-13 06:21:29

If I want to go on holiday, I have to ask someone to have my ds. I have to ask my boss for time off. I make all those arrangements before I just "decide" to do something for myself without ds. If I can't arrange things, I don't go. I don't just decide I have a "right" and go.

In my case I have long given up asking my ex to have ds, I just ask and pay other people.

However my dp ex just books a holiday for herself and her boyfriend without consulting anyone at all. Both dp and I work and have to juggle work to look after 4/5 kids but apparently we don't have any "right" to be consulted, we are "told". We, our bosses, our clients, our families, our resident children all have to fit round the whims of the ex wife because we would be out of order to expect to be consulted!

Had we actually had any say in things and been able to negotiate dates or given more than a few weeks notice we might have been able to ensure the kids had a nice time with us instead of being passed from pillar to post or left home alone.

Ex's who continually state that they have the best interests of the kids at heart, sometimes need to take a step back and look at their own behaviour. shock

theredhen Mon 18-Mar-13 06:26:32

And to the person who said parenting is a 24/7 job, I can assure you it isn't that for very many "bio" parents.

Often nrp and step parents are denied contact constantly until bio parent wants a "babysitter". Nobody likes being "used" and that's exactly what some parents do to Nrp and step parents.

It's not very nice to be treated as an unpaid babysitter, it would be far better to be treated as an equal co parent who is a parent 24/7!

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 07:43:17

It all goes to prove to me that people need to accept that everyone moves on and that the child has not only parents but step parents in their lives and they all need to get together and discuss arrangements. It would work so much better than the biological parents doing the arranging and then just telling the rest of the families what was happening, as if the children were nothing to do with them other than to allow the biological parent time.

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 07:46:01

They seem to hide the truth from themselves as in 'the DCs are going to their father's house this weekend' - when the children are actually going to 'the father and step mother's house this weekend'.

mumandboys123 Mon 18-Mar-13 07:54:18

but why assume it's just about 'telling' people what is happening? I make arrangements for myself and always ask my ex if he wants the children during that time if it is outwith his normal contact time. I don't expect him to always have them and I accept that it may well be inconvenient. But in the case where I needed someone to help me out for 2 weeks, for example, had I not asked my ex if he wanted to have the children I am in no doubt that there would have been mumblings of why have the children been put into holiday club for 2 weeks with grandma on-call when dad could have taken time off to have them? Shouldn't the children's father or NRP always be the first port of call if the other parent is unable to have the children for some reason? Why is

If he can't have our children, I have other options at my disposable and indeed, would never make a firm plan for anything unless I had back up to my back up! I don't get why on earth any parent should feel guilty about asking the other parent to have their own children and be subjected to cries of 'unreasonable' and 'trying to dictate to the step mother what she should do in her own home' because a parent who is doing the majority of care sometimes struggles to fit everything in and asks for help. And again, it's also about balance and having a life. But somehow the PWC isn't allowed that, is she?

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 08:06:11

You are far more likely to get a balance if you have a good relaxed relationship with the other family- if you can pick the phone up and speak equally to the ex or the DP.
You are immediately saying if 'he' can't have our children rather than 'they'- and there lies the problem. Maybe he is away with work and she could have them if you need help.

theredhen Mon 18-Mar-13 08:10:07

That's the thing isn't it? There's nothing wrong in ASKING the Nrp if he wants the kids if pwc is going away but so often he's not asked, he's told.

There is also nothing wrong, in my opinion in asking / consulting all the other people it affects before Nrp agrees to an ad hoc arrangement. That can include grandparents, childminders, resident children and particularly step parents.

allnewtaketwo Mon 18-Mar-13 08:19:21

Mumandboys you don't seen to be reading the posts. You say why assume "telling" and then describe how reasonable you are when you "ask" your ex if he's available. The posters complaining on here are cases where the ex has NOT asked. Therefore "telling" is not an assumption, but what actually happened in the cases of the other posters. You seem to be taking their posts personally as a slight against you, when actually they are posting about very specific examples in their own lives of which you have no knowledge.

Bonsoir Mon 18-Mar-13 09:23:49

Often nrp and step parents are denied contact constantly until bio parent wants a "babysitter". Nobody likes being "used" and that's exactly what some parents do to Nrp and step parents.

Yes. And when DC grow up, they become wise to their parents' behaviour. They tend not to like the users...

madonnawhore Mon 18-Mar-13 11:37:58

Shit I typed a massive reply and my phone lost it.

Lots of interesting points on this thread.

DP is supposed to do 50:50 with his ex but in fact he has DSD over half the time and always has had since I've known him.

He considers DSD as 'living' with us and she just 'stays' at her mum's.

He doesn't think he should have to run things like holiday cover for his ex past me because I should assume DSD is always with us unless I hear otherwise.

The thing is, in reality, he still pays CSA to his ex even though technically he's the RP. And yet she still calls all the shots really. I hate feeling like I have no say about what she decides for us all.

DP interprets that ad me being obstructive to him seeing DSD. But I just want him to understand that it's my life too. I don't like being told we're having DSD for a week. I'd just like to be consulted before he agrees.

Is that so unreasonable? I think a lot if my resentment would go away if I felt more like I had a say in what goes on.

Dahlen Mon 18-Mar-13 11:48:02

madonna I can't help thinking that the person at fault here is your DP, not your DSD or even your DSD's mother.

If your DP values you, there is lots he can do to make you feel cherished and important, despite having his DSD 50% or more of the time. The imbalance you are feeling is down to him not prioritising you enough (not over his DSD, but just making you an important priority in his own right).

Have you considered the fact that this sort of behaviour may have been exactly why his relationship with DSD's mother broke down? Maybe the Xs behaviour now is a direct consequence of that. Is it possible that while they were together your DP wouldn't facilitate his X's needs but now they are apart he is able to do so in the capacity of free childcare and she's taking full advantage.

IME, if most adults involved in step-parenting arrangements are normal, happy and functional people, this sort of jealousy doesn't occur. If your DP made you feel like the most special person alive, I really don't think you'd feel this way about your DSD.

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