I have a brother and two step-sisters; we're all about the same age. Our mum remarried their dad when I was 8 and we lived with him growing up. My step-sisters lived with their mum and came to us every Saturday day, and stayed over every other Saturday night. We lived in the same town but went to different schools and had different friends. We got along ok as kids but drifted apart somewhat in our 20s just through circumstance more than anything (uni, travel, work, babies etc) but remained (for the most part!) on friendly terms. I wouldn't say we were ever particularly close though.
It's been by no means an easy family situation and we've had ups and downs over the years, but things are good now. Saying this, something has occured to me this year and I hope I can share this in the hope that it may help (for want of a better word) other step-families.
I'm 32 and my eldest step-sister is 30. She had a big party for her birthday and it was the first time I'd ever met her best friend. I didn't even know her best friend's name. In fact, I didn't know any of her friends' faces, let alone their names. It struck me that because they always came to us as kids (ie they'd spend Saturdays at our house) it was always them coming into our lives. We never went into their lives. I don't know what their bedrooms were like, what posters they had on their walls, what their life at their home was like. We went to different schools and were in different years so our friends neve overlapped. It still is like that - when we all see each other, it's generally a birthday or Christmas, round at my mum and step-dad's. They come to us.
Having never been a particularly girly-girl, I was always happy to just have a brother when I was a kid, but as I got older I felt a little sad that although I had step-sisters we weren't close like sisters perhaps could be. We could've been closer and we should've been closer. Whilst I've known these girls for 25 years, I barely know them at all.
I respect that our parents never forced anything on us but I wonder if perhaps a little more encouragement might've helped. I wonder if we'd been able to spend time with them in their environment, their comfort zone, their turf, it might've made things less rocky when there were ups and downs... And in turn perhaps at least the foundations for a closer on-going relationship might've been created.
Their mum did make life difficult and she was never very accepting of my mum or us (despite her and my step-dad being divorced before my mum came on the scene). So I suppose it was never going to be the case for us that we'd be invited over after school or whenever. But I do wonder if would've helped us all bond better. My younger step-sister has had many self-confidence issues over the years and I wonder if she'd had a better sibling support network, she may have dealt with these in a different way.
Anyway, I guess I'm saying that the step-family relationship shouldn't just be about the "new" family. If you have children that have step-siblings, and can face encouraging the friendship, then maybe that'll be a nice thing. It was hard for me and my brother to let our step-sisters in to our lives, but I wonder if it was just as hard, or harder for them, to go into someone else's lives on a weekly basis. I know you can't force anything but if you can avoid the scenario I've described where it didn't even occur to anyone in our family that it might be nice for the step-sisters if we could understand more about their world, well, perhaps it might be good for everyone involved.
I understand the reluctance to share things with your ex or his/her new partner/spouse. Having my own baby now, I can't imagine wanting to encourage her to be be besties with a new woman's kids... But I'd like to think I might try.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.
Step-parenting
Step-siblings
18 replies
hellohellohihi · 31/12/2012 10:45
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.