Advice re meeting Dh's DD for the first time

[checkin]

This is an interesting one so I will try and give you some background info.

10 years ago I split up with my BF and shortly after realised I was PG. We decided to spend 4 months without communication to see if we missed each other enough to try and make it work. Four months later we got back together.

The following year I discover that during that time, he had dated someone else and a child had resulted from this. By now I had DD and after much discussion it was decided between them both that DH would make payments via CSA and there would be no contact. I had no part in this discussion and made it clear I would always be surportive

DH and I went on to get married and have 3 other children.

Recently, this lady contacted me on facebook to say CSA was mucking her about and to find out what was happening. DH had recently lost his job and CSA have never managed to sort out his new calculations despite us making random payments to ensure we dont end up with a huge arrears bill.

We have decided to start making payments direct and have come to a mutual agreement. It has been very amicable and she has asked if we would like contact with her DD as DD is very interested in meeting us all.

My eldest is very concerned and worried about being compared which I am trying to deal with. I think DH should meet her and work out exactly what is meant by contact.

I have already decided to be as supportive as I can and have told DH that if he accepts her as his daughter he has to do it fully as showing favoritism and the like could be very damaging for her also.

There are so many things in my head. Like what if her xmas play clashes with my DD's and I am worried.

I have posted here as I am sure many of you will have first hand experiences of the problems that face step-families

Can this really work after so long? I do not want anyone to get hurt in all of this especially the 5 children.

[Hassled]

"if he accepts her as his daughter" - he already has. She is his daughter. Yes, of course she should have the chance to meet her half-siblings and her father and he should apportion his time between the DCs as any parent of more than one child has to do all the time. These things are always workable.

You sound like you've dealt with this all incredibly well, and that your heart is in the right place, but I think maybe you're fretting about the stuff that doesn't actually matter (Xmas plays?!) as some sort of displacement for the stress of having someone else effectively join the family. It is a huge deal, it is going to be stressful for you all - but it may also give you all a huge amount of pleasure. Don't get bogged down with the little things - that girl has the right to know her family. Just do what you can to make it easy for everyone.

[checkin]

Hi Hassled. Thank you so much for your advice. I do feel stressed it is true. I think mainly because I have been the go between on the communication as to date DH and this lady have never spoken. Now I have said that they need to take the next step and speak personally and I have vowed to myself I will be supportive. Deep down though I am a bag of emotions.

To date Dh has never acknowledged her. He has agreed now as I was rather frank to him about how I could never understand how he could be a great father to our kids and yet not even recognise this one. I dont know if I am right to push this or if I am doing more harm than good.

This is changing the whole dynamics of our family and I am really scared but have no idea why as Im the one pushing for it. I think it is because I know it is the right thing to do but I dont like it IYSWIM

[Hassled]

It's a horrible position for you to be in - but you sound like a really nice person and I can see that you realise that them meeting is the only honourable thing your DH can do. I suppose in his mind her conception is all tied up with with your split 10 years ago and there is probably some residual guilt re all that. But none of that is the girl's fault.

Just hold on to the thought that while yes, changing the family dynamics is big and scary and a huge deal, it can also be a good thing. You know how if you have more than one child your capacity to love just grows each time - how you fret that you won't love the next one as much but actually your ability to love just gets bigger? It will be like that. I hope your DH gets to the point where he's able to see that. The best of luck.

[checkin]

Hassled that is spot on. DH has always felt guilty re the circumstances even though I made a pack with myself never to hold it against him and I never have. As a result our marriage is extremley strong and I have no worries at least on that score although my DD is scared stiff he will like his "new" family better and go and live with them. That has been quite hard to hear.

I will post an update once the meeting has taken place. By then I will be a bag of nerves

[WildWorld2004]

I think you should take a step back for now. It should be about your dh and his child. He should be the one communicating with the other woman. I think it would be scary for a young girl to meet her dad, his wife and their kids for the first time all at the same time.

[LemonBreeland]

I think maybe you could spend some time explaining to your DD that this is not dhs new family. It is her family too. A new sister for her. This girl has siblings that she should get to meet and have a relationship with.

[Lilypad34]

I think you sound really supportive, if it were me I would encourage a slow approach, for your dh to talk to his dd mum and arrange to meet his daughter perhaps for an afternoon at first. Give them some time to get to know each other before meeting everyone else. This could be a really wonderful addition.