Guilty feelings

[lovelydaisies1]

My husband has 2 daughters 8 and 13. I have 3 kids 9, 10 and 13. My children live with us full time, thier Dad is crap. My husbands daughters spend about 50% of the time with us but with no fixed routine of when they come.


I'm being driven mad, probably wrongly and I feel bad, by the lack of routine and his ex and him just deciding when we have them without even speaking to me about it, it's really hard.


I work nights and a few times a week am really tired. I do all the house work, shopping, washing, cooking for all the kids when they're with us and I get no thanks. Before a night shift I can be cooking dinner and his kids will just arrive (no forwarning given) and then I have 7 people to cook for and tidy up after.


My husband says he doesn't want a fixed routine of when they come, obviously he wants them as much as possible so if his ex 'offers' for them to come more he jumps at it. I'm on the backfoot there as I have my children all the time so he says it's only fair that he has his as much as possible but sometimes it's just too much. Thier Mum lives literally 2mins away on foot so it's very convenient.


Once a fortnight we potentially have a childfree sunday afternoon when mine go to thier dads and his are supposed to be with thier mum but given half the chance he will have his children round. I think if his ex wife has something she fancies doing without the kids, she'll ask him if he would 'like' to have them. He did it yesterday, well they turned up saturday night and all day Sunday when it was thier mums weekend and I just felt like crying. I had hoped we could go out for lunch or a walk or something together. I also feel really bad to feel like this. I actually ended up sulking .

He doesn't value childfree time whereas I sometimes crave it. He doesn't really get involved with my kids on a day to day basis as he's constantly working, yet as soon as his kids arrive he's totally involved with them.

I don't want to be seen to be standing in the way of his relationship with his children but I feel a bit used and the house feels cramped and not being involved in the plans he's making when they do involve me makes me cross.

What can I do???

[glasscompletelybroken]

My own kids are grown-up and don't live with us, but other than that I can relate very strongly to your feelings.

We have DH's kids half the time - he very very rarely changes the rota but his exW will do so regularly and then we have them because DH obviously is keen for any extra time. He values time with the kids more than time without and can't seem to understand that I don't! I get frustrated with being the one who always cooks, cleans etc. Other children are invited over to play & for tea and I am never asked if this is OK. I don't actually mind - it would just be nice to be asked.

I wish I knew what you could do about it - maybe you could say he will have to cook when his kids are there, and generally help out more. 5 kids is a lot and he should help.

He needs to value your relationship as a couple as it is good for all the kids if their parents are in a strong, happy and equal relationship. I think you need to spell it out for him. Tell him you can't cope with the lack of routine and lack of help and that if he decideds to have his kids for extra time then he will have to do the work involved. Couple time isimportant in all relationships but more so in step-families.

I told my DH recently that I have accepted that neither him or his kids will ever help with any housework so I have got a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. he was shocked but not enough to say he would actually start helping!

I often read the good advice on here though and Know that I'm just not going to be able to apply it to my situation! It sounds good but in practice I don't ever seem to be able to make a difference.

If nothing else though you have got it off your chest and that can be the real benefit of this board - talking about it.

Don't feel guilty though - I often feel a sense of dread when the kids are due to arrive and a sense of the opposite when they go! Normal I think...

[Kaluki]

Don't feel guilty - that situation would drive anyone mad! I too feel the dread when the DSC arrive and the pleasure when they leave and I have survived yet another visit!! It makes us feel like the stereotype "wicked stepmother" but the stepchildren can be "wicked" themselves!!
I think it is all very unfair on you. Would your DH be so keen to have his dc so much if he had to do everything for them? He can't just have the fun stuff and leave you with the drudgery of it all, that isn't fair, especially with you working nights. I think you should tell him that when he has his dc then they are his responsibility and he has to pull his weight at home more, especially when you are working and also it is just basic manners to tell you how many people are there for dinner.
You also need to tell him how important child free time is to you. If he doesn't get involved with your dc he probably sees child free time as when HE doesn't have HIS dc, but you need time for yourselves as a couple.
My DH is the same - treasures every moment with his DC and because mine live with me he uses that as his reason for being so inflexible with his contact times.
Lately though, for lots of reasons I have backed off, I have had a week away with my dc while he had his and recently had a weekend away and left him to it with his kids and he really struggled with them. Now I think he has come to realise that without me picking up after them, cooking, organising bath and bedtimes and entertaining them it is bloody hard work and he isn't so keen on having them more.
And keep ranting posting on here - it is a great stress reliever!!!

[NotaDisneyMum]

Lately though, for lots of reasons I have backed off, I have had a week away with my dc while he had his and recently had a weekend away and left him to it with his kids and he really struggled with them. Now I think he has come to realise that without me picking up after them, cooking, organising bath and bedtimes and entertaining them it is bloody hard work and he isn't so keen on having them more.

I think that this is probably the most effective way of dealing with a DP who doesn't value the contribution you make to his DC's care and welfare.
Stop doing it.

OP, you are being taken for granted - most of your problem isn't the DSC, it is your DP, who is showing you very little respect through his behaviour.

Stop parenting his DC's for him - presumably, he doesn't parent yours anyway, so he won't be able to reciprocate - and do your own thing. If you choose to cook, clean, give the DSC a life, then great - but no longer do it because it is expected of you.

[NotaDisneyMum]

*lift, not life - but it fits!

[theredhen]

OP, your DP has got his cake and is eating it isnt' he?

Yes, you have your kids all the time and yes, you will be cooking for them and clearing up after them, so he thinks he can just tag two more on for the evening/day/weekend and you won't even notice.

I too have had the lack of routine thing although only in the school holidays, and that was/is bad enough!

Ask yourself (and your DP) this... "why is his ex p allowed to decide when she has child free time and you are not?" What makes her need for peace and quiet more important than yours?

I think he is also building up resentment for your children. How do you think they feel being ignored by your DP all week and then he suddenly has all the time in the world for his kids and wants to do fun things?

Everything you describe is what I have gone through. The only way I have managed to make myself feel remotely better is to make plans for me only and go off and do those and leave DP with all the kids.

When he married you and set up home with you, he made a committment to you and although you shouldn't expect him to spend less time with his kids, he should be prepared to make time for you and for your kids too and that is going to mean that things can't just be "ad hoc" with no one else to consider. If he wanted that, he should have stayed single.