Feeling guilty

[Lilypad34]

I had dsd for 4 days alone a little while ago, her mum was happy about this as was my DF as he was working nights and her mum was also working.

Dsd (8) was lovely for the first 2 days day 3 arrived and she had a huge tantrum because her dad was going to work and she wanted to go home to her mums which wasnt posdible. The day got progressively worse and nothing I said or did helped, we had an appointment at a bridal shop for bridesmaid dresses, she was rude to my other friends daughter and rude about all of the dresses. I was quite stern with her and I was embarrassed, I'm new to having her alone and I wonder if I was too hard on her. I took her to her swimming lesson afterwards she started shouting at me because I wouldnt dress her! I told her i wasnt dressing her she was capable of doing it herself and neither her mum or dad dresses her! We went home she had dinner a bath then we had some us time drawing etc and she went to bed.

The next day OH was off work, I had agreed to meet a friend I hadn't seen in 5 yrs who also has children, when dsd discovered this she wanted to come instead of staying with her dad. It was fine by me and off we went, we went into a soft play place and we asked all of the kids to play nice and enjoy.

10 mins later dsd arrives at my side her face miserable, the other kids followed and told their mum dsd has pushed one of them and told them to go play by themselves. I asked dsd if this were true and she refused to answer. I took her to one side and asked if she was ok, if she had pushed the other little girl.

She started telling me she was fed up of them following her so she'd told them to get lost, after the day befores events and her rudeness I'm afraid I got annoyed, I didn't shout but simply told her I was very disappointed in her and that I thought she knew how to behave better. She asked to go home so OH came to pick her up, he was not happy and as I took her to the car she started to cry, she said she didn't understand what she'd done to upset me.

This really upset me, seeing her so upset, because she didn't know what she had done made me wonder if a, I'm cut out for this and b, if I was too harsh. I feel so guilty that she was upset, I'm not a pushover and she knows I don't waiver but for some reason this incident really got me going so much so later on when she was in bed I had a good cry too! How do I stop feeling so awful and maybe cut her some slack?!!

[brdgrl]

How would her mother or father have dealt with the same behaviour from her? Were you calling her up on things they would have let slide?

Do you think she was testing you?

[theredhen]

Perhaps you were harder on her than she is used to? Doesn't mean you were too hard, just that she might not be used to it.

Of she cried and got upset, I suspect she was overly emotional and just needed to let off steam. 8 year old girls do that.

Don't be hard on yourself, you know in your heart if you were fair and you can look forward to seeing her next time and doing some nice things with her. Sounds like you're a great step mum (I would have insisted dsd stay with dad as I wouldn't gave been as generous as you).

[glasscompletelybroken]

I think you have been overly generous to her tbh! On the 3rd day she had a tantrum because her dad was going to work, she was rude to your friends and difficult all day and then on the following day when her dad is there to look after her she wants to come with you!

I would have said no - partly on the grounds of her behaviour the previous day and partly because she should have spent the time with her dad.

At 8 she should be able to understand that her behaviour was upsetting for you and others and I would think that maybe the other adults in her life should start to expect a bit more from her rather than you expecting less!

Definately don't be hard on yourself over this!

[rainbowinthesky]

I have an 8 year old and you were fine.

[Lilypad34]

I haven't seen her mum discipline her but I'm told she shouts and dsd shouts back, OH doesn't really discipline a whole lot unless he's at the end of his rope, so I guess I'm the bad cop!!!

[MrsTomHardy]

After the day of rudeness from her I wouldn't of taken her out, she should've stayed with her dad.

How you dealt with her doesn't sound harsh enough if you ask me....she is 8 after all....

I would just put it down to experience and move on

[theredhen]

So the only time her parents discipline her is when they lose their temper or by shouting. It's not really surprising she played up and that she didn't react well to consistency us it?

[ChaoticismyLife]

Lilypad I'm not a stepparent but I just wanted to say that you handled it just fine. In fact you seem to be handling it better than her parents so don't be too hard on yourself.

My dd is now 18 and there is no way I would have tolerated that sort of behaviour when she was 8.

[Lilypad34]

I'm starting to feel better, thank you everyone. I think because I am really the only consistent in her life seeing me so annoyed upset her more than the reason I was annoyed I think. If that makes sense! I want to be a good influence on her, I am mindful that certain things that are said and done can stay with people and I would hate for her to think of me as the old bitch who gets annoyed a lot!

[upanddown83]

hi i have a 4yo dsd and i am constantly battling wif her behaviour when she is with me and after lots of advise from friends family and dp we have come to the conclusion that my expections of my dsd behaviour is just differnt than her disney dad's is i think that when she is out with me and in my care that i should be able to set the standard of her behaviour and then carry this on when she is at home with us and now dp is catching on and we're nearlt on the same page. i always think to myself would i have gotten away with this when i was younger and if it was a friend or family members child behaving in a particular way would it be acceptable and judge my dsd'sehaviour this way. its hard finding ur place in the dsd life never mind discipling them too but if she is in your care you are responsible for her and with her mum and dad giving you this responsiblilty they obviously trust you to do this.
p.s she was probably just pushing her boundaries to see how far she could go.
stay strong!x