Dp puts 2 ss before our 1 year old and is now leaving me

[Inlovewithbaby]

I dont know where to start with this but basically i have been struggling with having had a baby eleven months ago ( nearly 12) and trying to cope with what feels like a relentless rota of having my dp 2 boys. I just dont ever get time to relax or spend time with us as a couple or family.
The eldest (15) is doing GCSES this year and next but he struggles and doesnt listen to help or advice. His mother does nothing to help him but i got him a tutor for science and maths and i got him his work placement.
When the boys are here they dont do anything other than xbox, computer and ipod! They lounge about and it drives me insane.
The routine we have to have is:
Alternate weekends
Monday night
Tuesday morning
Wednesday night
Thursday morning
Then friday, saturday sunday and monday morning alternate weeks!

I just feel like i never get a break and i am struggling. Dps ex has got jealous of my son becuase people keep saying how gorgeous he is. She has started to guilt up dp who reacts accordingly! He wants dss here all the time! Yet doesnt undertsand thT i dont.

We recently had them live with us for a full month and then had 3 days off and then it was our weekend, then monday, wednesday etc...
Last night we fell out and dp says he is leaving me because whilst i do more for the kids than their own mother it comes at too high a price.

I dread half my life as i dont like having the boys here so much. I am honest. But i do lookmafter them when they are here.

Should i let dp go? I am so upset for my ds and that he is willing to just give it all up.

Help

[Dprince]

How would you feel if it was the other way? If you met someone else who told you that they didn't want your son around so much.
I do feel for you, its very difficult. But they are his kids.
If you want to limit their time with their dad and they want more. He will have to choose.

[lunar1]

What would you do if something happened to their mum? They are your partners children just as much as your baby is. how can he choose between his children.

[Inlovewithbaby]

I absolutely agree, if something happened to their mum of course i would relish the task. I wouldnt then have to put up with her scheming ways which would make it easier. I also wouldnt have to know that we are doing all the good stuff while she neglects them and leaves us with tired unwashed kids!
I work hard for these kids but i just want someone to stick up for me and my little one and to stop putting on me all of the time.

[Inlovewithbaby]

Perhaps i'm not cut out for this then. I feel terrible but i just want some time for my son and to build our life! Yes dp has made a choice but that says it all really! Its them and not us! No wonder i feel like i do!

[planeticketplease]

Inlove, I feel for you. I am an a similar position and I constantly feel isolated and misunderstood. Looking after a partners children is exhausting and thankless, and whatever you do is never quite enough. I have 3 sc's and an 18 month old dd. Its really hard work physically and emotionally. I don't have any answers for you but as far as I am concerned, what you are feeling is completely normal and natural so try not to feel guillty about it. All any of us want is the best for our children and its really hard to put someone else's children on the same level, whether they are your partners children or not.

[purpleroses]

Your rota sounds like it involves an awful lot of chopping and changing with very little solid times for the boys to settle into either home, or you to get a real break. Could you suggest to your DP that he and his ex think about altering it so that they DSSs come two days in a row, and then two days at the other house? Or even alternate weeks? Would that help at all?

IMO - it's completely normal for teenage boys to want to play on computers and lounge around all the time - but it's up to your DP to try and put in place some house rules (with your input) if you want them to be more active or help out more.

I think the way for your DP to deal with his ex's jelousy over the new baby is for him to reassure her (and his DSs directly) that his older ones are important to him too he's there for them when they need him - having them to live with him full time isn't what it's about at all (and surely wouldn't be what their mum would want either would it?)

Can you step back a bit from your involvement with them, but still be supportive of your DP's role in their lives? Take your little one round a friend's after school one day, and leave your DP to spend some time with his DSs?

[Bonsoir]

I'm sorry you feel this way OP, but TBH the arrangement you have for having your DSSs (alternate weekends and half the week) is the one I have and it works brilliantly for our family. Sure, it is very hard work for me. But I knew that I had to welcome my DSSs into my life and support their schoolwork etc in a similar way to the way you have done. If you want a home without teenaged boys and the accompanying X-boxes, lounging around etc you have to accept that you and your DP must separate. But I think you are being very unreasonable and selfish.

[glasscompletelybroken]

I agree with Purpleroses - too much chopping and changing which doesn't give you enough of a break. We have DH kids half the time but it's the end of every week so I get every Monday eve, Tues & Weds as a break.

I agree totally with you about the involvement of the ex - I think I would actually cope better if they were here full time and she was on another planet! It's is always her who causes the issues.

Can you see if the rota can be changed so that you have a couple of days at least in a row where it's just you, your baby and your DP. I really think that would help you. Also agree that the boys need to pull their weight around the house but good luck with that - I know I have no hope of that ever happening here!

[wheresthebeach]

Hi - Agree it sounds exhausting. You need a bit of time to regroup in the week. Its really hard and it sounds like your DP is giving too much air time to his ex. I don't for a minute think you're being selfish. I think your DP is being selfish in expecting you to be more of a mother than their mother is.

[Dahlen]

Im not entirely clear on what the main problem is. Is it the XW's behaviour or the presence of the boys? IF it's the former then it's up to your DP to find a way to deal with her. If it's the latter, then if you can't find a way to accept it then in all honesty you probably are better off letting him go. They are his children.

However, I think you're probably finding things tough because you've just been through the hardest part of your own baby's life. The first 12 months are tough, exhausting and you probably subconsciously had a family ideal of three in your head, rather than the reality you've been faced with. You will probably find things get a bit easier from now on.

How hands on with the DSSs and your own child is your DP? Why are you organising tutors and nagging them about playing on the XBox? What is your DP doing? COuld it be that you're actually doing too much and need to step back a bit and let your DP parent his DSs?

[missduff]

I too am in a similar position, or about to be, we're soon going to have a baby and I worry about how I'll cope with the dsc here as much as they are, I totally understand you want time a family of your own. It sounds to me like you do more than your fair share for them and I think their mother needs to be more of a mother to them.
Only you can decide what to do regarding the relationship though, if DP is unwilling to budge on the arrangements then you have 2 choices, you let him leave so you can have a peaceful life or you put up with the DSC.

[babyheaves]

Don't think its that unreasonable to have some time for yourself and your DS and that rota sounds like a nightmare.

If your DH really can't see any way around this other than leaving you, then I think thats a real shame. Being a step parent isn't about always getting a raw deal, its about making sure that everyone in the family is treated fairly.

[wheresthebeach]

Sorry if he's made that decision. His kids will lose out as they've a disinterested mother and now they'll lose you too. Hope you come back on the thread to see that there were supportive messages too.

[Kaluki]

Why on earth is your DPs ex given so much input into all this? She is jealous because everyone says your dd is gorgeous and she leaves her dc with you for a whole month? She sounds deranged!!!
That arrangement would drive anyone mad, especially with a new baby.
If he won't change it or at least understand why you find it hard then you are better off without him. He sounds like a selfish arse!

[EightiesChick]

Perhaps if you do separate your partner will realise how much you do for your stepkids. It is a bit off of him to acknowledge that you do a lot but then, apparently, not seem to think he should even try to make yourlife easier. Ask him how he will feel about having all 3 of his kids on his own on the same rota if you separate! Your stepkids deserve consideration but so does your baby.

[EightiesChick]

And leaving the x-box habit aside, do your partner and stepkids do their share of domestic tasks? You may never get teenagers to value revising over games, and to some extent that is their choice, and they have to live with the consequences come exam results time. But there is no reason for them spending all their free time playing games and leaving all the laundry, washing up etc to you when you have a young baby to deal with too. Is that part of the issue?

[JENJENJENNY]

I really feel for you, your DP sounds quite controlling in the way he is threatening leaving rather than listening to any reasonable solutions. Is it just an excuse for him so that he doesn't have to confront tricky stuff? He sounds weak. Can you explain with a third party or counsellor, that whilst you love his children and him and you want to be together, you cannot carry on the way you are and you want to find a solution that's good for all of you? I'm sure he doesn't relish the thought of losing his child with you and being a Disney Dad to all of them. Sounds a nightmare and you deserve more. You must be exhausted and torn in too many directions. Bonsoir I think you are being harsh and unhelpful, what works for one does not work for another, stepmothering is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life ever and I've had some totally emotionally taxing jobs believe me! Good luck :)