Help for Mothers Day for bereaved children

[MagsyMoo5]

Hi everyone - I have today joined Mumsnet as I'd like some help & top tips.
I am dating a widower with 2 young teenagers, a boy & a girl. We are making firm steps this year to integrate me fully within their close unit (weekends away & holidays together/ sharing pets!) with the intention of me moving in at the end of the year. I hope that one day I will officially become their step mum.
As we all get closer I want to ensure as many topics & scenarios can be dealt with as best is possible. They lost their Mum in 2010 and, I think, cope really really well.
However, this weekend we were discussing all the activities coming up for future weekends & the calender & my OH mentioned that I would not be around on Mother's Day as I am taking my Mum out for lunch. They both said nothing but I could tell there was some sadness & they asked if I would be around in the eve. I think, along with their Dad, they will go & visit her grave but I would like to do something that is a bit cheery too that they can remember her by.... maybe buy some bulbs or seeds they can plant in the garden??
At Christmas they were fine ... I think that is because xmas is a time for everyone and actually more focus is on them with pressies & TV & food! For their Mum's birthday the last 2 years they have been at school so again no time to dwell.
Anybody any other ideas or comments about helping children on Mother's Day who have lost their Mum & now their Dad is with someone new??
thanks in advance

[OhChristFENTON]

I think bulbs for the garden is a great idea. You can say they'll be coming up each year in spring around Mother's day.

Or perhaps if there are any photos of her/and them available you could buy them each a nice frame?

Our family always get together for a meal on the day MiL died, - personally I would prefer to mark her birthday not the day she died but my SiL started it so I don't want to step on her toes.

Do they go to church at all? We always get the children to light a candle for their Nanna on Mothering Sunday. Actually maybe a candle to remember her is not a bad idea, religious or not.

[brdgrl]

Hi there.
My DH was a widower. I have two stepkids; when I met them they were 11 and 13. They are 14 and 16 now. I also have a DD with DH now.

I can only tell you my personal take on this, realising that there is no one 'right way' to handle it.

I have always taken the view that my role (vis-a-vis memorials and remembrance for the kids' mother) is to facilitate but not to organise or participate. I have on occasion suggested something to DH, and I try to think ahead to events or times that might be tough for the kids, since my DH is not always great at foreseeing those things, and talking to DH about what they might need. When we moved in to our new house, I encouraged him to sit down with the kids and choose some photos of her (and other family) to display; they took over the kitchen and looked through old photos while I read in my room. I have made sure DH saves things of hers for when they get older. At the holidays and meaningful dates, I try to give them all an opportunity for some space and time together. At Christmas they have a candle lighting tradition, like ohchrist mentioned above. She is not buried near where we live, so there are few opportunities to visit her grave (something DH and the kids don't attach that much meaning to, anyway); when we were visiting the area, DH took the kids to see the grave and they had a nice day together while I relaxed and played tourist, then met up and heard about their day.

However, I would personally not ever introduce a new remembrance tradition, nor would I participate in one with them. I feel strongly that this is a part of their life together which I should not insert myself into. If the SCs had been younger, maybe I would feel differently. I think the kids and DH would feel constrained by my presence at these times, and it gives them an opportunity to remember and reconnect as the unit they are. I don't feel excluded by that anymore, and I don't feel it is my 'job' to do it, either. They have friends and relatives who actively work to memorialise their mum, and that is as it should be, but that is not my role in their life, and shouldn't be. I am always there painting the scenery, I guess, but DH is the director.

As time goes by, and DD gets older, I imagine she and I will continue to do 'our own thing' at times like this, while DH and the SCs do theirs. This Mother's Day (DD is 21 months), I am thinking that I will take DD on a day trip and have a bit of a mummy-daughter outing, while DH does something with the SCs, then we'll all have a nice evening together and watch a film or something. Again, if they had been younger, maybe this would be different, but under our circumstances, it feels like the right way for us, and the way that respects everyone's feelings and place - including my own. Well - it works for us!

Sorry if this is a long reply. Hope it helps.

[MagsyMoo5]

thanks OhChrist & brdgrl - your comments have helped me confirm what I think is right for us....

I think my concerns are that I will be out for the day with my Mum and don't want to appear as though I do not care because I do deeply. They will attend their Mum's grave with their Dad (I have never been or intend to) so they will have their time together. For me & how we are though I think it important that I take some role in ensuring their day is cheery as well as reflective & that they feel happy to talk to me (if they wish) knowing that I am not avoiding the subject.
I think I shall leave some bit & bobs for them and then when I get back I can ask how their day went.....

[brdgrl]

Sounds good, magsy. You seem like you are a nice person, and I am sure that will come across. :)