DP thinks he has no rights

[Lala1980]

My DP's kids came to us this weekend. They were all poorly. SS1 suffers with asthma and my DP ended up having to take him to hospital Fri night. SD1 has had a hacking cough since before christmas. Apparently mummy says she is faking it... SS2 was okay thank goodness. Youngest SS (3) was peaky, pale, v.tired (kept falling asleep etc)... They were all also riddled with nits, which I know is normal in kids but they said their mum doesn't check their hair or treat them at home. They all complain they don't get fresh fruit/veg at home, seem to live on frozen food, their ailments seem to go untreated, don't go outside to play/get exercise... and I have forked out a fortune in recent weeks on cough medicine, nit shampoo etc, despite her getting so much money from CSA (which I don't begrudge, just wish it was spent on the kids not on her clothes, fags, hair dye, I phone etc). and benefits yet the kids don't seem to benefit. My DP just seems to be resigned to his fate that there is nothing can be done about it as the kids are not being beaten, starved etc... and he said the british legal system hasn't changed since his divorce, so we wouldn't stand a chance of custody and even if we did he couldn't afford the legal battle. Also, the ex was ill on Friday so the kids didn't go to school apparently. Had she called my DP, we would have busted a gut and changed all our plans to ensure those kids went to school. I know he is "only" the father, and he is not the resident parent, but he seems to think he has no rights, and gets very frustrated if I say he must have as he says he has "been through all this before". I am very new to all this, have no kids of my own, and feel that he must be entitled to more say in how his money is spent and how his kids are brought up!

[ladydeedy]

i have been in the same boat as you and frankly there is very little your DP can do. It's completely down to the mother as to how the money is spent and unless you think there is SERIOUS neglect or if there's physical abuse there's really not a lot that can be done. Also of course some children suffer from "recency recall" and will say they "never" whatever it is, or are not allowed to do x or y and this may not always be true.
You can only do what you can do, and do your best when they are with you and look after them as best you can. Maybe send the nit shampoo back with them and she may get the hint. If you are worried about their general care, is there another friend/family member that your DP could approach about it to have a word? often that works better than trying to broach the subject himself, especially is ex is difficult. As for going for custody that is a very different topic and not one to be entered lightly. how old are the kids?

[Lala1980]

The oldest boy is 10 today and he has aspergers, the little girl is 7 nearly 8, the next boy is just 6 and the youngest boy is 3 (4 in June). I have concerns about the youngest boy as (in my opinion based on other kids I know his age) his speech is really backward, poor pronunctiation etc and he is still in nappies. Is that normal? He is nearly 4 and starts school next eyar, but his mother hasn't advised us as to whether the nursery have voiced concerns...

[purpleroses]

I don't think your DP would have much chance of removing the DSC from their mother's care altogether for the kinds of things you describe. But what he can do is to have more involvement in their day to day care.

Best way would be by mutual agreement with the ex - 4 kids under 10 including one with aspergers is a tough on any family - and if their mum's on her own with them all week it's maybe not really surprising she's not doing the greatest of jobs - sounds like she's really struggling.

Can your DP ask to have them all for an extra night in the week? Or could you have two of them one night, and the other two the next? Or take one at a time out to some activity each evening of the week or something? That would give them all a bit more off attention and give your DP/you the chance to get involved with their day to day care - he could take them to the doctors, nit comb them, cook some healthy food, give the youngest some quality interaction to encourage his speech, etc. None of these things require him to have full time care.

If the ex is completely blocking all contact that's not court ordered, then your DP could apply for an access arrangement that builds some of this in - whatever he thinks would benefit the DCs, and if possibly get the ex to see it as helping out rather than taking her DCs off her.

Even without any of this your DP can take more responsibility for their care. You mention his divorce, so he was presumably married to their mum and therefore will have parental responsibility for all four of them. This is a right that parents have regardless of which of them has residency. It means that he can speak directly to the nursery or school, and can take them to the doctor's on a Saturday himself.