I'm at the end of my tether LONG..(not sure if posting here is best)

[NewYearsDaysie]

This will be long so in the interest of keeping you reading I'll try some in bullet points

1)DSD is 11, taken away from BM by SS, does not live with us but with DH's brother and sis in law
2)SIL now pregnant after 6 years TTC, the pregnancy is causing problems for DSD
3)DSD needs someone to confide in and some affection which she craves and is turning to me for this but I don't know if I should give it (see later point)

the problem i'm facing is that DSD is now wanting to know why she doesn't live with her mum (massively long back story) and I'm of the opinion that we should tell her. after a conversation with her earlier this week where she asked some quite delicate questions I told her that I needed to talk to DH about this as it needed to be dealt with my her dad not just me. Its a big thing to have to explain to a child that her mother wasn't bothered about her.

so I told DH about it, he told BIL that she'd asked and told me that they'd decided to tell her. I said if she asked me in the meantime why she didn't live with mum what should I say..just tell her the whole truth? he said and I quote
'no don't say anything I think you should just leave this to me and B/SIL'
'so I won't be there?'
'no'
so she has nothing to do with me.

THen today I asked if he had talked about her to BIL and when they would be explaining things to her. He told me to stop talking about it to him a he didn't want to talk abnout it anymore.

What do I do? I'm getting irritated as on the one hand he wants me to be this motherly figure to her when we have her and he pretty much leaves her to my care then when it comes to things like her questioning her living arrangments he basically says that it has nothingto do with me and to butt out.
In fact when I made the hard decision to refuse to take her when she was being taken from the 'care' of her mother he told me afterwards that anything to do with her was none of my business....but continues to expect me to look after her while he goes on playing his XBox, ignoring her and pretty much being a real bear with a sore head everythime we see her.
sorry its long but i'm in tears with stress and frustration.

[NewYearsDaysie]

ps I know I sound like a total bitch refusing to take her but there were my own reasons...its just so long and complicated I can't go into it as you'd lose the will to live reading the back story

[MJinBlack]

I hate this, you can only be a "mother" in the way someone choses, so DH gets to chose which parts you can "be".

Personally, I would go on strike completely, withouth withdrawing from her emotionally. Stop cooking, cleaning, caring, start going out when she is over, he wants you to butt out, butt out, see how he likes it then

[miniwedge]

It sounds like an awful situation for the child and it sounds like there is a lot of resentment between the adults involved.

Your husband still sounds resentful that you refused to have her. He is punishing you for that I think.

And to be fair mj, it sounds like the ops husband feels that the op already chose which bits to have.

I don't know how you fix this to be honest, have you and your husband ever had any support about the situation? Does he understand your reasons for refusing to have her?

Does he feel guilty because he doesn't have her?

[MJinBlack]

I'm just taking the op saying there are reasons at face value and frankly if he wanted his daughter enough he'd have left OP - fact he didn't probably means there is a lot we don't know.

[theredhen]

Yes, I agree with MJ. It can't just be down to the OP why the chid didn't live with them in the first place. To be honest, if I was in his position, I would have chosen my child over the OP.

OP it seems to me that your partner is holding a grudge towards you that needs to be sorted out before you can move forward. If he can't accept that you didn't want the child living with you, then he should have voiced it more clearly at the time. It's not acceptable to keep sniping at you. If he wants his daughter, then why is he sitting on an Xbox and ignoring her?

The child definetely needs to know about her mother and am frankly a bit shocked that no-one has bothered to talk to her about this before now. Brushing things under the carpet just serves to frighten children, if you talk to them in an age appropriate way, they will feel a lot more confident about their lives.

[therantingBOM]

I agree MJ, it wasn't OPs responsibility to take the child or not - it was his. He should have made the decision as to what was best for his child and then OP could have decided if she wanted to stick around.

For reasons we don't know (although, have you posted about this before OP? I seem to remember a poster with that situation) he decided to let OP be a part of the decision on what was best for the child, he also expects her to be an emotional rock for the child. I imagine - although we don't know from the post - that OP does other 'mother of the house' things for the child too. Yet she isn't involved in any of the big things.

For one, I would be pissed off that my opinion on how to handle all of this wasn't being respected, and for a second Id be pissed off with him choosing which parts of my mothering I would be allowed to display.

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

Right, I need to know why you refused to have her. I also need to know why your DP didn't override your decision and have her himself.

[MJinBlack]

I think its kinder to believe the OP and DH had good reason, this isnt AIBU after all.

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

Oh I am kind! It's obvious that OP treats her with kindness and compassion. I just think that the reason may affect how her DH relates to the situation as it is now. But how he behaves when his dd is there is also relevant.

[NewYearsDaysie]

OK I am prepared to be roasted here but here goes..(its very long I warn you)

DH had a very bad breakup, had a rebound fling which resulted in DSD.
BM is not a nice person. She has 5 children from 5 different fathers, never worked and expected money from benefits (stopped a claim against DH by CSA as found out that it would mean that she would lose money in the long run) She was sleeping with other men around the same time as she and DH were involved. She went absolutely insane when DH stopped the money he gave her for DSD when DSD was taken into care and toldhim that the money was for her having DSD not for things for DSD.....cue the part about social services

We were fully prepared to take her and I was committed to taking her from the time I met DH (when DSD was 2) I was under no illusions that this would be an easy ride and that we would have to have her mother in our life too. we contacted SS when she was 4 regarding concerns over the care she was receiving. They didn't act on our information but did act 2 months later when a DV incident occured. She was finally permanently taken off BM when she was 8 years old. SS kept telling us that BM needed more suport, more help, more understanding but in the meanwhile DSD (along with 3 of her other siblings one lived permanently with his dad) was being shoved round foster homes and back to her mother who shoved her back to foster homes (or us when it was for a longer time) when she couldn't be bothered anymore which was usually after about a month or when it was a time she wanted to party or summer holidays when she couldn't get rid of them. (how she seemed to see it not me I hasten to add) For 4 years we were told by SS that we wouldn't get full custody of DSD and it would be better for them to intervene as the courts would see it best for her to stay with her mother. I started to look for schools near us (we lived 350 miles away then) Then we were told that rather than them trying to prove that there was neglect we could apply for custody, they would support us with a report. But it would cost alot of money which we didn't have (and still don't) we did look into it and a solicitor didn't give us much hope.
In the meantime I had DD1 and DS. When I decided that we couldn't take her DD1 was 12 months and DS was 6 weeksold. DH works full time, I would be the full time carer for DSD and she was coming from a background where she would need all of my attention which I just couldn't give. SS sent workers round to convince me otherwise including that we would never see DSD again is she were adopted out, that BM knew she wasn't going to live with us and was angry, that I could be jepordising my marriage over this.....
I will say now what I said to them.
1.I was doing this for my children..they would suffer from lack of my attention if I took DSD. She was coming with even more issues than a split family (I don't want to take anything away from anyone on this forum please believe me I do know that step parenting is a mine field)
2 I was doing this for her..she needed love, attention, affection and she needed it fully not shared with 2 babies. I didn't want to end up giving her what she needed and then resenting her as she'd taken me away from my biological children. I know myself well enough to understand that this WOULD have happened. I didn't want to add to the issues.
3 I was doing this for myself. I did not want to end up as the bad guy in the long run driving my husband away, breaking up our family, taking my kids dad away from them by not being able to take DSD into my heart (which I have the way that things have gone now)

When DH asked if I would take DSD permanently then I said no. He said OK. he never raised an objection. he never gave any indication that he wanted to talk to me about it, never tried to convince me otherwise and quite frankly it felt like he was relieved that I had taken the decision and he didn't have to have her there.

Sorry its so long, but really there is so much more and I've probably made myself sound really heartless. I probably am and you will probably say that I should expect all that I am getting now.

[NewYearsDaysie]

incidentally I meant in the above post that I have taken her into my heart now..not that I've taken my kids away from their dad.

I wish he'd just tell me one way or the other either butt out completely or be involved completely. At the moment quite frankly I feel a bit like a glorified nanny for her.

[MJinBlack]

You don't sound bad to me - and frankly - I think your husband pushed the decision onto you as he couldn't take / make it himself.

[NewYearsDaysie]

To be fair DH does feel guilty about her but that's tied up with YET MORE issues .

[theredhen]

I just wanted to say that I have great admiration for your honesty at the time and now. I think you gave some very reasons for not taking on your dsd.

[AmberLeaf]

I think your DH is resentful to you about your decision 3 years ago.

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to take her on, but re the financial one, did your DHs DB end up paying solicitors fees to get custody for her?

I think your DH should have done more to make sure he got custody but given the reasons you outlined that would have jeopardised you and his marriage?

I can see why your SILs pregnancy might cause insecurities to come up with your DSD re why she doesnt live with her own parents, can also understand your frustrations at not being being able to have an input on something so important.

Your DH needs to say how he feels, the resentfulness building up is never going to be a positive thing, family counselling could be helpful as IMO the air needs clearing for things to move on.

[Smum99]

What a sad situation and mostly I feel cross with SS for their approach - leaving the situation for so many years and then moving DSD when 8 wasn't the best course of action. 8 is a difficult age for a child to move homes. If your dh is angry it should be directed towards the BM, she deserves all the anger.

Have you had family counselling? I suggest that you need help with negotiating the discussions with DSD. She needs to know the truth but she also has to feel secure and that must be so difficult for her.

I don't blame you - it's a tragic situation caused by the bio mum, an example of how selfish some women/mothers can be.

[NewYearsDaysie]

Thank you for the feedback everyone. I know DH needs to be honest but he's sticking his head in the sand about everything. He's a bit opposed to counselling. It's good for me, he had 4 sessions and said he'd dealt with everything and didn't need it...we've got her tonight ans we'll see if she says anything.

[NewYearsDaysie]

I should point out that SS gave her a photo album when she left BM that had pictures in ofsiblings and herself and just the phrase Mummy couldn't look after me anymore. Her councellor when she was initially moved to B/SIL told us not to tell her why until she was ready.