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WWY(DH)D? Step parent smacking?

(4 Posts)
thanksforlooking Sun 02-Oct-11 08:13:29

I have name changed just in case as dont want to exasperate the situation anymore for DSD, but have posted here before smile .

DH completely at a loss as to what to do for the best for his DD.

Background:

DSD is 9 years old.

Very difficult relationship with exw. DH is called bully and controller on a regular basis. Anything brought up in the past by DH is ignored, sniggered at, passed off as a lie. When exw sees DH at drop off she often likes to make digs at DH and is openly confrontational.

So get to the crunch DSD was very very upset on Thursday night (not for the first time) saying things at her mums are not great but in particular that her Mums, DP had hit her (however from what DP can make out was more of lets say a firm tap/slap on the knee rather than a slap on the bum).

DH understandably not happy and worried and wants no repeat or escallation of this WWYD?

Smum99 Sun 02-Oct-11 16:36:52

Very difficult situation and we had something similar happen for us and I didn't know how to deal with it so called parentline for advice. They were very helpful so that might be a useful resource. I think it does depend on how serious the incident was - in our case parentline felt that dss should be empowered & supported to raise the incident with his mum. He needed to feel that adults in his life would support and believe him, rather than dismiss his feelings as being 'silly, over reacting' etc. Did your dsd raise it with her mum? If so what was her response? I think how the ex responded determines your next action.

I would however make a record of this - diarise each incident and keep involved with the school and make sure they know that they can speak to you about any concerns.

In our case if any further incidents had happened DH would have written to the ex to raise concerns and if it had been repeated he would have called appropriate authorities.

thanksforlooking Sun 02-Oct-11 21:33:18

Thank you for replying I know smacking is very murky ground generally but with the whole step parent thing in the mix it is like you say very very difficult. DH understandably is not happy.

There was an argument, Mums DP went into DSDs room and she was doing something he didnt like and slapped her to stop her. It was not a situation like about to touch a fire or a hot gas ring.

DH has tried and tried to get DSD to talk to her mum as a form of dealing with the situation, but she wont budge she says she feels too scared that she will get in trouble for telling her Dad and gets very upset at the prospect of bringing it up with her Mum. She says she will just be better behaved so as it does not happen again sad DH really has no idea how to go about tacklling this without making things worse for DSD but feels he has to do something.

Even after all the crap we have taken a part of me still feels bad that her Mum has no idea how upset her DD actually is and that DSD feels she cant talk to her Mum. It makes me realise how much I have to hammer into my DC they can always talk to me no matter what.

Thanks so much for the parent line idea very good advice and something we had not thought of. DH says thanks too smile

WinterLover Tue 04-Oct-11 14:54:43

You could encourage DSD to talk to a teacher she feels confortable with.

My DSD was 4/5 at the time when her mum and step-dad would use hitting as a punishment without a warning before hand. She like your DSD wasnt doing anything naughty, just playing. We encouraged her to talk to her teacher which she did and the teachers felt they should speak to SS. Result being that her mum and step-dad had to attend a parenting cause learning how to deal with troublesome children hmm it worked for a period of time but now only mum tells DSD off, she doesnt want to risk her DH doing it now!! (I still think SS saw and delt with something else at the same time, for her DH to not disapline her now)

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