Advice from NRPs point of view - Internal Relocation

[fallenninja]

Hi,

Ive posted in legal to get an idea of whether I will be allowed to move, but I think I will. However I know ex will (understandably) be unhappy. Any ideas on how I can make it easier for him (well and me so I dont have to battle it through court .. already being doing that for 2 years over contact)

Basically .......

My company is doing a restructuring. They want me to either move to a different office or take a lesser job and pay cut.

I cant afford a pay cut, so am looking at relocating. It would be 2.5 hours (150miles) from where I live now. Ive thought long and hard about it, and I know Ex will not agree. Im pretty sure about it.

Other factors (not sure if relevant)

1. I nearly suffered repossession earlier in the year, so if made redundant, or take pay cut I can basically wave goodbye to my house.
   
2. I am suffering heavily from anxiety and receiving treatment.
   
3. My mum and dad (who currently do the majority of my childcare whilst I work) are willing to relocate with me
   
4. Ex is currently not having contact with the kids, but this is about to restart up again via CAFCASS supervising at contact centre
   
5. Oldest DCs father is supportive of the move.
   
6. It would likely not happen until next year (possibly april) so hopefully contact would have moved on a bit by then. I would be proposing working towards alternate weekends. Ex to collect from me and I to collect back from him. Until he was having overnights, I would propose that 1 visit he comes to the new place, and the other I drive them to him and then drive them back with me.
   
7. Schools are just as good as the 1 DCs at currently.
   
8. I would ideally (if mortgage company) let me rent my house out and rent somewhere at the new location.
   

I think its unlikely DCs could live with Ex. 1 is not his biologically, although they do have a relationship which i would like to continue. He lives with his fiancee and her mum and brother in 3 bed house, so nowhere for DCs to be.

I understand it will be hard for him, but I dont see that I have a choice, just wondering how to portray it as a positive, given that he sees the worst possible slant on everything I do.

[Petal02]

I doubt your ex could legally prevent you from moving? It's not like you're leaving the country, and if you offer to help out with lifts/journeys etc for access visits, then surely he can't stop you?

[fallenninja]

Well, im pretty sure he cant stop me. Although i think that will make it even harder for him to deal with. Things are horrendous between us atm, and to be fair this will be the icing on the cake for him.

I dont know why im posting really. I dont have much choice about it, but im trying to find the nicest way of informing him really.

Things are just so crap between us (I would largely blame him) however I am really concious of how the crapness between us is affecting the DCs, and I would genuinely like to move to civil. I think most of the crappy stunts hes pulled are through frustration. Now in my less charitable moments, that appears to be frustration that he cant control me anymore, and in my more charitable ones, I think its because he feels out of control. He hates not being in control of anything ... he hates me pitying him even more.

I just wondered if it had happened to anyone, and how it had affected contact/ relations & communication between the parents, and if there was any "good" way to tell him.

[emjanedel]

What fantastic person you sound. I would simply present this plan in court its consise and extremely reasonable. You are on a winner here with the court and cafcasss

[planetpotty]

I agree with emjanedel.

I would say assurances over the fact that you will cast iron promise to help out with the travelling and not move house and then go back on it would go a long way with the Ex. Might be an idea to make your suggestions for how it will all work but let him know you are open to his suggestions if he is not happy with what you have proposed - may make him feel like he has some control and your not calling all the shots.

Wish my DH ex had her head screwed on in the same way as you seem to! :)

Good luck -

[Ceic]

This happened to my DH. When my DH's ex moved away, she presented things as a done deal, including all the things we were going to be doing. It infuriated DH (and me). Mind you, her plans include us moving house too. (Er, no!) He couldn't change her mind about the move but he did get her to agree to better travel plans and we kept the same contact pattern.

Since then, we have moved further away still and our contact pattern has changed to enable the DSC to have the same amount of contact time but with less travel. We have a general rule of thumb and DH arranges the actual details for each visit as it is coming up.

Unless you are moving to a different jurisdiction (ie from Scotland to England), I don't think your ex can do much to prevent you from moving, especially as you are offering to share the additional travelling and to maintain the contact arrangements. I think your suggestions for contact time and for how it will be like as things improve are good too.

Be realistic about how much travelling you can do, what the costs are and when it would be busy. That way, you can then make promises and arrangements that you can keep. You'll soon find the cafes that make good handover places.

I agree that offering your ex options/flexibility and being open to his suggestions for how to make the move work is a good way to go. You'll probably need two meetings or talks about it - once to tell him and once to discuss it in more detail with him.

Good luck - it sounds like you've been thinking it through practically for all parties.